WHAT WAS I THINKING??

Ten Paciencia

2012-03-15T09:59:00.002-07:00

I am generally rather patient, however I still notice times where patience is short or I get worked up about something and I feel the impatience coming thru. Another ego ploy and also not the ideal way to be if you are looking for that universal flow that I have been talking about.

Let's dissect impatience. What is it? Why is it? To me, it seems like a state of mind and feeling that we aren't going to get what we want or expect. Or someone isn't behaving in the way we think they should. Next time you are impatient ask yourself "why?" How does this feeling serve me? In fact it doesn't serve you at all. It keeps you out of flow and you probably would rather not be that way. I've seen people impatient and I am sure that I have been so myself even when there wasn't any hurry to get somewhere or do something.

This is all a process of deconstructing ego. Recognizing it where it pops up, seeing it for what it is, and letting it go. The state of impatience is setting you up for everything you don't want because your state of being is such that you are anxious. Anxiousness is a no-flow zone. Ego is telling you "uh oh lets freak out cuz you might not get what you want!"

Catch it when it happens and you can get rid of the BS!!

Sin expectativas

2012-03-13T09:18:00.002-07:00

One of the hardest things to put into practice is adapting to the way the universe works. I have been stubborn and foggy about it but it is definitely starting to come into focus. I see it in my life and other people's lives so clearly, but haven't put it completely into practice yet. It's an easy thing to do but we get caught up in mental loops, old habits, patterns, whatever.

Think about this: Think about the people in your life who you really are drawn to. The ones who it is fun to do things for and spend time with. For me, it usually is the people that are humble, grateful, and get a kick out of life. The ones that aren't insistent or clingy and really get surprised and thankful for what you do. Especially the ones without any expectations.

It's been a tricky road to navigate for me because sometimes your desire for something is really strong and you get kind of wrapped up about it or obsessed in the expectation and almost a demand for it to manifest in your life. On the other hand sometimes people are scared of something and do things to push them away or kinda block it out of awareness. And that, I have come to understand directly, are the ways that you really spin your wheels and never get those things that you want.

I've heard often that every seemingly separate part of life contains the whole and it makes sense in this case. I look at the kind of people that I am drawn to and understand that that is exactly a mirror of how I must treat life. Open-hearted, joyous, thankful, and empty of all expectation. It is easy to say, but kinda tough to start out doing it, but gets easier with practice. If you have a strong desire for something, let it be known, takes steps towards it and then release it. Be patient, breathe, give it time. There is a paradox here that is interesting to note. It's like you want something but then have to figure out how to be ok without it and still go about being appreciative for everything else that is in front of you. The other part, at least for me, is that it is really tough for you to see it unless you start doing it. It's a 2 steps forward 1 step back type of thing, but then suddenly it clicks and becomes the way you live your life.

If you aren't having fun, why not?

2012-03-11T11:37:00.001-07:00

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.” - Brendan Gill

It's all you

2012-03-09T21:07:00.001-08:00

“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you. You must travel it by yourself. It is not far. It is within reach. Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know."

~Walt Whitman

Just Be

2012-03-08T23:29:00.000-08:00

March 8th has come and gone and I have to say that I was probably a bit too ambitious in the idea that I would be more clear on what I am going to do with myself.

Let me try to explain what has been happening. I made the conscious effort to stop feeding my brain more and more information about making the progress that I am seeking. I realized that I was addicted to stuffing my brain full of info and then thinking and thinking. I am so happy to have seen a reduction in this distraction and it has made me understand that I kind of never needed all of the information in the first place. I mean, I am glad to have had it because it cut through some of the walls that fear erected and allowed me to see what I wasn't seeing. But, the fact is, nobody needs any additional information. In fact, you don't even need any of the information that I am writing about on this blog. What is most important is to allow yourself to just be.

But what does that even mean, "just be?" It is hard to explain because it is without explanation. You just simply allow yourself to have the feelings that come through, do the things that feel right, and don't block your flow. I spent my whole life behind a wall that was erected by fear and this made me think that I should adhere to a particular way of being. A certain moral code. A particular persona to uphold. A way that would make other people more attracted to me. But now that I have cleared much of that mental garbage, I feel freer to just be. This isn't a process of becoming anything. It is a stripping away at the layers of what you thought was your "self." Rather than beating myself into submission to follow the very strict rules of fear, I am loosening up and recognizing more easily how things flow and more importantly where they don't.

In the past, I didn't really recognize where things weren't flowing because I just accepted the fact that I must do things that were uncomfortable for me. So the lack of flow was happening so often that I just accepted it as a normal way of life. But now that I have taken so much garbage to the curb, I see more easily where the flow is getting stuck. And I see that that is the area which deserves my attention. Figure out why it isn't flowing and fix it. And guess what is the cause of that small area of being stuck? You guessed it! Fear. It hides in places and it is our job to root it out. Certain things that have felt stuck are seen as pockets of fear that I am resisting. And that is all that mental and emotional suffering is: places where we are resisting because we are afraid. But that is what this game is all about and that is what I am still in the process of doing. Once I clear more debris, I think I will start to realize what will come next. But, even that is something that I have to let be. It will come when it will and in the meantime I will keep slaying the dragons that pop up and continue to enjoy the wonderful blessings that I have.

There is a life beyond thinking. Life lives through you. You do not live your life. Thinking becomes an addiction because we think we have to be and do certain things. However, once that silliness is seen for the waste of time that it is, thinking is no longer required. Thinking is a prison. Of course it comes in handy sometimes, but how do we shut our brains off when we are stuck in a loop? It starts with the process of becoming honest about fear. Once the fear begins to lift we see that there is little that needs to be thought about and this Hafiz quote makes complete sense: "I am a hole in a flute that the Christ's breath moves through; listen to this music."

Control Issues

2012-03-06T06:28:00.001-08:00

Have you ever noticed that the things that bug you on the level of frustration or anger are usually about things that you can't control? That's what seems to be what galls us most and it seems to typically be about other people's behavior. But you have to go below the surface: Why do certain things bother you?

For me I have had to take a close look at this in my attempt to eradicate this feeling from myself. It seems like a simple matter of being honest about it. Do I like having these sorts of feelings? Hell NO! So, I look and see where it comes from and the seeing has a magical lifting effect. Just being honest with myself has the ability to loosen up the pull towards wanting control.

And it is control that we have to be willing to give up. Control over our own identity. So what if someone says something bad about you? So what if she didn't act according to expectations? So what if someone doesn't give you recognition? All these things revolve around the idea of keeping an identity intact. But the supporting and cobbling together of an illusory identity has a draining effect on your energy. Energy that can be opened up and used for purposes that are much more satisfying. Like figuring out what kind of life you truly want or making things flow in a more relaxed, less serious, and fun way.

A Course in Miracles mentioned something that has always stuck with me, "Would you rather be right or happy?" This is touching upon what I am trying to explain. Letting go, releasing control, going with the flow. Being unconcerned about how you are perceived in the world is a liberating thing.

Extreme Spirituality

2012-03-05T05:28:00.001-08:00

What I am writing about on this blog is extreme spirituality. And the only reason that I call it spirituality is because I don't have another word to call it. But it isn't spirituality in terms of believing in anything or finding a religion. You realize eventually that life IS spirituality. We are not something that is apart from things we associate with spirituality, like magic and grace.

What I am detailing is an engagement with life and finding out what is true for you. I call it extreme because you actually have to be willing to die for the cause. It sounds crazy and unbelievable unless you truly have become fed up with your life as you currently live it. If you are satisfied with your life and looking for a positive uplifting rather than a radical change, I definitely recommend NOT reading this blog. Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra have written some great books about adding a spiritual dimension to your life that many people might enjoy.

What I am talking about here is a deconstruction of the ego. I define ego as the force powered by the energy of fear with the goal of continuing an illusion of separation. The illusion of separation is just that, an illusion. But the ego is a very tricky and sneaky force that is charged entirely by fear. Fear that the individual identity does not exist. I say that you have to be willing to die for this cause because that is really the only way that you can work yourself out of the driving force of egoic fear. Look closely and see how fear moves everything in the common way of life on earth.

Now, I am about as far away from suicide as a person can get. I have no desire at this point in time to end my life. However, if I had to go back to a way of life that was entirely controlled by fear, work in an unsatisfying job, live as if I perceived everything as separate from myself, I wouldn't bat an eye at the thought of ending my own life. This is the extreme part. It sounds negative and pessimistic, but it is really the opposite. When I glimpsed the reality of fear in my life, I knew I no longer wanted any part of it. I understood it was exactly the reason why I made so many unsatisfying choices in my life. But now that I have seen it, I know that I can't go back.

I have no guarantee that I would not have to come to a point where it would seem that I might have to make, once again, choices that are fear-based. However, I am fairly certain that my tolerance for that would be highly limited and the thought of death would seem much more attractive. But that is an amazing thing if you can see this. The reason why is because the fear that once fueled my actions is now being replaced by an amazing sense of awe and gratitude for life. Since I know that death is a much better option for me than to live my previous life, fear is being pushed out. Fear and ego that were so powerful in my life are now becoming only a flickering flame. Once death is seen as a viable, preferable option vs. a life run by fear, what is there to be afraid of?

So, that's why I say that this stuff may not be for you. If it isn't your heart's desire to end what you have going and truly see what life without fear can be like, then stop reading right now. If you are interested in killing your identity and living a life on the crest of a universal wave, then maybe this is the place you want to be.

This video is a good representation of how the ego works. Fear animates her and she exists as an exhibit for the gawkers, until she has had enough. Listen to the lyrics, she is over it and wants to be free at all costs. This is extreme spirituality.

Worthiness

2012-03-03T15:40:00.000-08:00

Another way that we go about the insanity of separation is through the idea of worthiness. Am I worthy? I think many people, including me, have either considered this question consciously or unconsciously in their thoughts and actions. If you look deeply into the matter it really does become absurd. How could anyone not be worthy of anything? If you are still alive in this world that is your automatic pass at worthiness. As a matter of fact, the subject becomes a moot point once it is seen for what it is.

Many people may think that they have had influences in their lives that have caused them to feel a sense of unworthiness. Like you have to prove yourself somehow in the world in order to be accepted. Utter bullshit. Just look at it. Even if someone has treated you in a way that has made you feel unworthy, why do you continue to believe it?

I have noticed the ways in which I have proven to myself that I was operating from a place of feeling unworthy. Like being overly concerned with my appearance. Feeling that only if I look a certain way would I be proving my worth somehow in the world. This doesn't stand much scrutiny. Fear keeps this idea in place. What if I just allowed myself to be and look the way that I am rather than try to impress someone? Well the reason comes down to the underlying goal that drives us all: fear and separation. That is where we should turn our attention. Not towards what perfect clothes I can wear or how my body could look better if I do 100 more sit-ups.

This has been one of the biggest struggles for me. My ego fought back hard on this. I guess we all have things that our ego with fight us on, and this ego-trap was particularly sticky and only recently started to loosen its grip. I had to be willing to look at it. Grooming an image of ourselves for the world is an utter waste of our energy. Rather than thinking our appearance needs fixed look instead at how the fear of being worthy sticks its hand inside us and moves us around like puppets.

Are you worthy of being loved? Are you worthy of having your dreams come true? Of course you are.

Integrate

2012-03-02T14:54:00.000-08:00

Our notions of separation are false. All you have to do is look deeply into any situation where you perceive separation and ask how it is possible. The authors Alan Watts and Adyashanti have excellent books that discuss this topic.

I have made posts about the notion of Human Adulthood and I am sensing even more deeply that everyone is already in the state of Human Adulthood. I am defining this state as one where the perception of separation no longer exists. This isn't a state where you have to learn and practice and become. You simply look and see what is true. Any belief that you hold has the potential to create the unnecessary perception of separateness. It is this sense of separateness that engenders all kinds of needless suffering in an individual life. Want to see this? Look at a problem that you think you have. How are you separating a "you" from an external world in that situation?

Recently I have been recognizing that this state of Human Adulthood is something that we actively opt out of, but it is available to everyone. In fact, you work a lot harder, expend much more energy to keep out of this state. The way this happens is by perceiving wrongness in any situation. The universe isn't a chaotic and scary place unless you artificially assume yourself to be a separate entity. What are you that could exist separately?

Beliefs are the artificial bubbles that we create to sustain a notion of separation. For instance, the notion of worrying. We may say that to worry about a situation is human. But is it? Look closely at the situation that you are worried about. Recognize that part of you that is trying to control the situation. Is control even possible? Worry wouldn't exist if there wasn't some part of you that sensed a power to control. If we look deeply at the notion of any power to control we find that there is none. And worry is dropped like the hot coal that it is.

What are the beliefs that don't work for you? Could you simply look at the foundation of that belief? Could you detect that constant pull towards a sense of separation and let that go? If you are suffering there is simply no need to identify that situation as wrong. Of course you are not happy to be in the state of suffering, but if you allow it to be rather than trying to run from it you will find yourself recognizing that the reason you suffered was because you tried to escape it so vehemently. Allow it to be. Integrate. Recognize a feeling of separation as an opportunity to look closer.

Deeper into addiction

2012-02-26T12:52:00.000-08:00

I am recognizing deeper into what I am addicted to. I am addicted to information. Reading, thinking, reading, thinking. When does it all end? I guess my prison IS right here in the midst of continually seeking. The idea that I am trying to give up control of my life seems absurd when all I am doing is seeking more information and then thinking, thinking, thinking. What am I doing but STILL trying to perpetuate this illusion of control. What else do I need to know? If I need to know something it will come to me. But like any addiction, it could be tricky to drop. I need another detox. I guess this detox is to just to allow. Stop reading and thinking. Try only writing and being and doing. I've got all the information I could possibly need right now. I should be asking the question of myself when I catch myself in seeking mode. What am I seeking? What do I need to know? There has never been an answer that didn't come to me of its own accord when I needed to know it.

The fear of being truthful

2012-02-25T23:21:00.001-08:00

"the core of this fear is that most people know intuitively that if they were actually totally truthful and totally sincere and honest, they would no longer be able to control anybody. We cannot control somebody with whom we have been truthful. We can only control people if we tell half-truths, if we shave down what is true. When we tell the total truth our inside is suddenly outside. There's nothing hidden anymore." - Adyashanti

Worthy of contemplation

2012-02-23T06:42:00.001-08:00

"Every man is tasked to make his life, even in the details, worthy of contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour." - Henry David Thoreau

The time has come

2012-02-22T20:17:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am putting it out there.

The time has come for me to really do something to move forward. It is time to set an intention regarding what I am going to do with myself. I have had a wonderful time and have had a pretty good break. I am so blessed to have had the support, encouragement, and patience from the people around me.

I am ready to see what the next phase of this journey is going to be. My intention is to figure this out in the next 2 weeks. Today is the 22 of Feb, so by the 8th of March I would like to have a decision about what I will be focused on. I've been a little scattered and I have had a good rest, but I am ready to keep going. I have a lot of energy inside to give. I am ready to put aside my fear and dedicate my life to the selfless and focused task, whatever that may be. I hope it is adventurous, maybe involving travel, possibly involving communication or teaching. But who knows? I am open for whatever is to come. The idea is to expand myself to the possibilities rather than bringing them down to me and what I think is best. Will it be this blog going to the next level or perhaps something I haven't even considered? I know enough now that the choice isn't really mine. I am leaving it up to the universe to take me where it wants me to go.

I am going to take Joseph Campbell's advice as part of his Hero's Journey and dedicate about an hour a day for the next 2 weeks to open myself completely up to this process. The idea is make my intention known and be guided to take this journey. The way it works I think is to be open, breathe, not make any demands, be humble, and the answers will come.

Thank you to all who have supported me in this effort. I may or may not be posting between now and 3/8, but by 3/8 I hope to have an interesting post to share...who knows maybe even sooner!

You have to spend energy to earn it

2012-02-21T07:33:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I have to admit I have fallen off the wagon a bit. I have allowed my attention to become absorbed a bit too much again with the internet, a tiny bit of TV, and this really cool new phone that I have been messing around with.

However, it is a good thing. It is always a good thing. When you throw out the idea that anything is ever wrong, a new world of possibilities opens up. So the reason it is a good thing is because it allowed this idea to come of needing to spend energy to earn it. I have alluded to this a little bit in previous posts, but it is coming full circle for me now.

So, since I have been doing silly things like allowing my laptop back in my room and fooling with this smartphone I have totally noticed a sharp decline in my energy level. This is compared to the surge of sustained energy I had for awhile after really giving up all things electronic. But I thought about it briefly and then let the answer come. The other thing to point out is that if you want answers to specific questions just release them and then wait for the answer...it will always come. Not much thought necessary. Which is a good thing for me because I'm kinda dumb.

Anyway, the answer came and was completely obvious and unsurprising, but helpful nonetheless. You have to spend energy to earn it. If you are a passive receiver through spending too much time on the internet, watching t.v., or becoming wrapped up in an electronic device, your energy is not being generated. Perhaps this isn't a surprise to anyone, but it helps to have this in my awareness. That's why just getting up and doing something...anything is the way to get energy and inspiration. Just do whatever you can do. Clean the house, write, go somewhere. That's why our culture is addicted to things like caffeine and energy drinks. We sit around not doing much, wonder why we don't have any energy, then gulp down some kinda go-go juice to get us moving. Well, you don't need that. You just need to remember that you have to spend energy to earn it. So start spending!!

There is a caveat to this: your state of mind while spending. Don't ignore this because it will also suck away your energy the same way t.v. and internet does and furthermore lead to frustration and stasis. If you are doing things that you aren't happy to do or can't figure out a way to do happily, then something is telling you to stop and do something else.

Actions Speak Louder than Words

2012-02-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I read and I write and I talk. While all this is well and good and necessary, it doesn't amount to squat unless it means I actually DO something.

"A little less conversation, a little more action please" - Elvis

So, I realize that my reading and writing process is winding down and if I want it to count for something I need to figure out how this will translate into me doing something. So, I know the specific things that I will be reading and taking notes on in the coming week, however my process needs to be different. Rather than taking lifeless notes, I am going to write the notes as an action plan. In fact, if it can't be translated into action, I may as well not even take the note.

I am a little annoyed at myself for not doing this all along, but you live and learn. In the process of trying to change your life, you actually must do SOMEthing. Anything. Failed attempts are infinitely greater than a non-existent attempt. So, from now on, if it something inspiring doesn't include a way for me to carry it out, it should just be thrown out with the rest of the useless garbage. I need to get Nike on my ass and JUST DO IT!

What is true?

2012-02-17T15:55:00.001-08:00

What is absolutely true? If you think about this honestly you may discover that nothing is true. And if it is true, maybe only true for you and quite impossible to prove. Can you think of anything that you are absolutely 100% sure of?

And when I say true, I am talking personally, and directly verifiable. What is the point of anything unless it is something that we can experience first-hand?

Necessary Discontent

2012-02-14T16:19:00.000-08:00

If my recent posting have sounded rather vitriolic it was on purpose. But don't mistake it as me being pessimistic. I know it all sounds very pessimistic, but this is a necessary discontent. What I am exposing is what someone has to go through to wake up. What has happened is that we all have tricked ourselves (through the pervasiveness of fear) that things are all ok. When we start to feel a certain discontent, we start to push it down or make excuses and fall back asleep for a little while.

It's like we are fish swimming comfortably in the water where it is nice and warm and then because of external circumstances or something happens inside to push us near the surface of the water so that we can breathe fresh air, break free and become something different. But then fear comes along and puts the kibosh on finally breaking the surface of the water and we swim back down again without realizing what else is possible.

We have to actually cultivate our discontent so that we stop fooling ourselves. Finally get fed up with this low-level, mediocre status quo that human beings are content to live with from day to day. Wake up and finally see that we can't waste our time while we are alive doing things that are unsatisfactory. Stop pretending that there is this other horizon that we can get to someday. Because while we wait for that someday to come we fall back into the same patterns. Accept mediocrity and mindless distractions on our way back down to the bottom of the dark ocean.

So my vitriol has a purpose. A highly optimistic purpose of propelling myself out of the depths of the murky water and breaking the surface. I am angry at myself for being so foolish for so long for placing blindfolds over my eyes and living a fear-based existence. So this is it, come hell or high water I am envisioning something better, something honest, something to get excited about.

Thinking you exist is the core error

2012-02-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

Why would thinking that I exist be the core error? Ok, picture this, "you" are driving along the road and some "other" person gasses it out of a parking lot into the street and cuts you off and almost causes an accident.

Now, because you think that this other person is separate from you rather than simply an event happening in your perception, you have now separated yourself from that other person by thinking all sorts of nasty things. "What a fucking idiot" "How could he just pull out right in front of me?" and on and on in your attempt to create a "you" and an "other." Look at this situation rationally. Is this not something that simply happened in your awareness? Think of how many things that you made up along your way of justifying all this anger at someone whom you have never met. Nothing is ever more than an event occurring in your awareness. It is only the silly things that we make up and tell ourselves that causes all of these "unwanted" emotions.

Don't overlook the fact that I have placed the word unwanted in quotations. I do this because I am asking if those emotions are truly unwanted? To take a simple event in your awareness and spin it into some kind of you vs. the world scenario. You did that. All the other person did was pull out in front of you. So are the emotions of anger, frustration, etc unwanted if you have completely orchestrated the entire event of unpleasant feelings on yourself?

Now take this scenario and apply it to EVERY circumstance of your life. There are no exceptions here. You and You alone are responsible for how you feel. And when you drop the preposterous notion of separation do you see how foolish you have been.

Our One True Talent

2012-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

I have been going on a bit about how I am discovering more and more how unintelligent I truly am and how little to no talent exists within me. And when I say "me" I mean as this illusory separate being of myself, distinct from the world. How is distinction even possible?? How is separation possible?

And here is where our true talent lies as individuals. This all-encompassing power to completely and utterly confound and confuse ourselves with the sole, and ridiculous goal of pretending that we are all separate entities. How is that even possible? How have I fooled myself for all these years!!??! That is true talent. How in the world does anyone think that he or she exists?

I realize now that this is something that has been bubbling within me for many years and I have just been continually calling on this masterwork of deceit to fool me. What used to bubble up inside me was this idea that life was barely worth living. Like there was just a barren wasteland of existence and somehow I was just barely treading water. Living one-inch ahead of myself. That one inch was the only thing that kept me going, that living life was just barely a better choice than not living. And I would have moments of rage saying WTF am I doing? WTF am I living for??? And perhaps at the height of this grating against meaninglessness and purpose, I took a sleeping pill and charmed myself back into ignorance. And this, my friends, was my only talent.

The way I did this was through a hodge-podge spirituality. All peace and love and everything is beautiful. This talent is like going to the most putrid of all garbage dumps and arranging the toxic waste in a particular way and then convincing myself this is all lovely and treasured. What a bunch of shit! Some talent! A talent that turns shit into pretty-shit. One big fucking oxy-moron.

The fact is that I never got real. Never woke up and took a look around and realized that what I was pretending was good and beautiful was dull, monotonous, petty, superficial, and nonsensical garbage. And those adjectives are a fitting description of modern day human society. Modern human society is a piece of fucking shit and we all stand around and hold hands and pretend that this heap of trash somehow, in the right lighting and appropriate sanitizing spray actually is tolerable.

Are you KIDDING ME!! Our life here in the USA revolves around these holy things: eating, fucking, being mindlessly entertained, quarreling, and for many a variety of substances we can breath, snort, inject, or snort. And THIS ladies and gentlemen is what we call life. Yeah, a beautiful trash-heap of bullshit. And THAT is our talent. Making all of this tolerable, livable, and for some, "worth living"

The Heirophant

2012-02-10T09:37:00.000-08:00

I have been looking through and studying my old tarot cards lately. A big help has been from my friend Silver Crow's book called "The Metaphysical Tarot Workbook."

I recently came across a card called The Heirophant and started delving into the meaning of what this card represents. To quote Silver Crow, in his workbook, The Heirophant "represents all the stubborn traits and mindless adherence to outworn ideas that human consciousness seems to need to bog itself down with...our obsession with putting limits and boundaries on The Spirit of God that resides within us."

This is interesting and important to me on this journey into Human Adulthood. Realizing my stubbornness, realizing my tendency towards self-congratulation, my "intelligence." Thinking about my own intelligence kinda makes me laugh. I guess I have always considered myself "smart" but now I am realizing how dumb I actually am. What is being smart anyway? The only thing that I can claim maybe is a good memory and the ability to string words together that "sound" intelligent. Is that what we consider smart? What seems more and more clear is that the only smart thing is realizing how ignorant I am. How I think that I can put labels on things or know what a person should do to improve her life. I used to enjoy dispensing advice, but now I don't feel qualified. Or if I do, it's coming from somewhere else and I just need to get out of the way.

I can't lay claim to my clever ideas, inspirations, talents because they aren't mine and never were. Artists talk about a "muse" but what that really is happening is they have sufficiently opened themselves up to something much bigger. To claim that you are actually the source of talent and intelligence is what The Heirophant so cleverly does. Putting limits, acting puny in something called "individualism." Seems so gross now. So old-fashioned and boring.

The Heirophant also symbolizes our collective resistance to change. Why do we resist the one thing that can actually give our life some pizazz, something fresh? Oh yeah, thats right: fear. Boring old, worn to the bone, fear. Puke, puke, puke.

How can we be content?

2012-02-07T23:09:00.000-08:00

How can we be content with the mystery of life? Why do we accept so much information from all of these outside sources (science, religion, media, whatever) and just shrug our shoulders and say, "ok."

Are people actually just ok with not knowing about life? Not knowing what the hell is going on? I am asking a lot of questions here without answers, but the mind boggling part is this: how are we just ok to live our lives either accepting meaninglessness or buying into some childish dogma that can't stand more than 2 minutes of scrutiny?

We actually haven't even solved the chicken or the egg question for ourselves, but we live as though the answer is obvious. But is it? We are nothing more than mindless robots programmed into believing all kinds of things. For instance, nutrition. I have been a hard-core vegetarian turned voracious meat eater with absolutely no change in the feeling of my well being. Who knows if anything that people say is good for us really is? Or what is bad isn't good? If we do experience some sort of relationship, which came first, the symptom or the belief that there could be a symptom?

Why do we act like lambs headed for the slaughter? Living...or being lived for some other larger machine without really taking anytime whatsoever to wonder. Even for a minute...what is real? Thoreau said, "man's capacities have never been measured; nor are we to judge of what he can do by any precedents, so little has been tried." So little has been tried. So LITTLE has been tried! We know almost nothing through self-verification. How can we be content with that?

More about breathing

2012-02-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

Why is breathing relevant to this blog? Well, if you have read some of the recent posts, you will see that the assertion is that you are completely responsible for the experience of your outside world and that it begins on the inside. The outside circumstances are only relevant according to your reactions to them. Until your thinking is smacked up, flipped, and reversed, you will continue the same old patterns. If your breathing is poor, your internal world isn't going to be at its optimum state. It's that simple, but you have to make the effort to begin by breathing right. I found this video that talks about proper breathing and this dude has some excellent advice. Check it out!

It's like this:

2012-02-05T19:18:00.000-08:00

Alone in a forest, being chased by a big bad wolf, the faster you run, the faster the wolf runs, until suddenly, out of breath, exhausted, overwhelmed, you slump down behind a tree- only the tree turns out to be a wall with a light switch. You flip the switch, the lights go on to reveal a mirror, your reflection- you in a wolf costume.

Resistance is Futile

2012-02-05T16:13:00.000-08:00

What are spiritual teachers on about when they talk about how we are limited beings, about seeking freedom, and waking up? We are all being boxed in by imagining ourselves victims of the world and how we somehow have to figure out where we fit in, how we can get our needs met, how we can experience joy. Most of this whole thing is determined by how we perceive other people. We are looking at a world where other people are going to give us a job, pay us a wage, bring us joy, and keep us not-alone . This is all because the biggest fear of the ego is of meaninglessness and being alone and ultimately of not existing at all. So the ego has created this vast network to make us completely convinced that A. We are not alone B. That we are at the mercy of external forces and C. We are limited by external forces and have little control over our lives.

Fear is the glue that holds this big network together. We have to be willing to completely reverse our attitudes about the world and our place within it. We all get to a point of being fed up with how things are working in our lives and we seek things to try to cope. But these coping strategies are really just ways that we waste our time. Addictions and things that distract us from looking directly at the truth are common (drugs, internet, TV, porn, etc.) Also practicing a particular spirituality is also likely to be a distraction. Let's all meditate, find peace, look up to a guru, blah blah blah. These are all ways that we can keep the ego safe and warm and in its comfortable home. Looking outside instead of inside. Looking at the world as a place where other people and circumstances control us is exactly how ego thrives. If you want to make a change, this is where you begin, by looking at how your ego is working to create exactly the conditions that you want rid of.

If I have characterized fear as something that we should fight against, resist, etc., then I apologize. Resistance is futile. Resistance is exactly what the ego would have us do. J. Krishnamurti hits the nail on the head talking about the best way to approach the issue of fear:

"It is not that you must be free from fear. The moment you try to free yourself from fear, you create resistance. Resistance in any form doesn't end fear. What is needed rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance is understanding fear; that means to watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it"

If you want to change you have to make it the number one focus of your life. What could be more important? Recognize how you avoid fear. How do you distract yourself? How do you resist? All of this is knowable if we stop and look. Look at how you have enabled the ego. How you have enabled the outside world to determine the course of your life?

It's all YOU

2012-02-05T15:17:00.001-08:00

"The white light of consciousness hits the prism of self. If the prism of self is gray and murky with ignorance, choked with fear, contaminated with ego, then so becomes the universe that radiates out from it. It's that simple. As the prism becomes free of such flaws then the whole universe changes with it. It resolves into clarity, becomes brighter, more playful and magical. Because we are the lens through which it is projected, we are participants in its shape and motion; co-creators of our own universe." -Jed McKenna

Fixing a Hole

2012-02-03T04:39:00.000-08:00

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where it will go"
-The Beatles

For the majority of my life I lived with an emotional sieve. Events and people could bleed my emotional energy straight through and it was if I had no say in the matter.

As a society, it seems we have simply gone along with the idea that there are emotions over which we have no control. Many feelings are a "natural" human response to life's ups and downs. Well who are we? Three year-old toddlers living in adult bodies??

A prime advantage of being human beings is that we can wake up to our situations and think about how we spend our emotional energy. It takes thought and focus to grow up emotionally and we can actually decide how and when we want to experience our emotions.

Contrary to popular belief, worry, anger, jealousy, guilt, frustration, anxiety, and any other unpleasant feelings can be placed under our control. This is not through the act of emotional suppression. Believe me, I've tried it and it doesn't work. Our emotions need to be spent when they arise, but the focus should be channeled more effectively. You must make the decision that you are not interested and no longer will put up with the feelings that make you feel bad. Direct your anger and frustration towards the feeling itself rather than what you perceive as the external cause of the feelings. The external event is completely irrelevant, unless perhaps you enjoy having your energy sucked out or get a kick out of handing your power over to other people and situations.

This takes practice and determination to plug up the emotional energy holes. For me it is still a work in progress, but I see the results clearly. Situations that used to make me angry or jealous wash over me and sometimes cause me to laugh instead. Get angry at your anger. Get frustrated at the frustration. This emotional energy gets channeled towards the feelings that you don't want and sooner than later you will see how ridiculous and childish you have been. You can't force people to act like you want them to or get yourself worked up enough to make people become better drivers or have better manners. You CAN decide how you respond to these situations and stop the perpetual motion machine of madness.

"Life is very short, and there is no time for fussing and fighting my friend" - The Beatles

All is Truth

2012-02-02T13:17:00.000-08:00

O ME, man of slack faith for so long!
Standing aloof- denying portions so long;
Only aware to-day of compact, all-diffused truth;
Discovering to-day there is no lie, or form of lie, and can be none, but grows as
inevitably
upon
itself as the truth does upon itself,
Or as any law of the earth, or any natural production of the earth does.

(This is curious, and may not be realized immediately-But it must be
realized;
I feel in myself that I represent falsehoods equally with the rest,
And the universe does.)

Where has failed a perfect return, indifferent to lies or the truth?
Is it upon the ground, or in water or fire? or in the spirit of man? or in the
meat and
blood?

Meditating on liars, and retreating sternly into myself, I see that there
are really no
liars or
lies after all,
And that nothing fails its perfect return- And that what are called lies are
perfect
returns,
And that each thing exactly represents itself, and what has preceded it,
And that truth includes all, and is compact, just as much as space is
compact,
And that there is no flaw or vacuum in the amount of truth- but that all is
truth
without
exception
And henceforth I will go celebrate anything I see or am,
And sing and laugh, and deny nothing.

-Walt Whitman

Caveat

2012-02-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

There is a caveat to the previous posting that I am compelled to share. The idea of frustration and appreciation isn't quite as cut and dry as I portrayed it to be. It would seem as though I am saying don't ever get frustrated. The fact is that there isn't much benefit to suppressing emotions. In fact, the opposite could be true.

There is healthy frustration. It is even the kind of frustration that could lead to disgust. But it is central to the idea that I expressed when I am talking about how there is no 'you' in you. We should be frustrated and disgusted by the fact that we keep insisting that there is such a thing as an "I." Because it is that very misperception that leads us to all of the feelings that we generally don't want. Getting frustrated at the fact you get frustrated is generating energy that will help you bust through that kind of paradigm.

But the only healthy frustration is directed inward at the feelings that you don't want and the beliefs that have left you in an unsatisfying life. This inward frustration is NOT like self-blame. The self-defeating thoughts like, "Oh I shouldn't have done that" or "oh no maybe I said the wrong thing" aren't going to get you anywhere. I am talking about getting utterly fed up with the fact that things in the outside world have some sort of power to influence your emotional state of mind. It boggles my mind that I spent the majority of my life simply accepting the fact that an idiot on the road could shake my state of mind. That I would continue to allow a pattern of jealousy to take control of my feelings. That I would worry about the most inane things or that I would even worry at all. These are the types of things you should be sick of. Let them disgust you, rather than getting hung up on the external event that gives you the bad feeling. Look at the feeling itself and decide how you are fed up with it. Reupholster the interior of yourself.

Trying in vain to change the exterior environment by giving attitude or acting prideful will keep you on a hamster wheel rolling towards the nowhere destination of "I."

No such thing as "I"

2012-02-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

What are you? This is kinda the ultimate question. The question that we really don't want to ask because the truth is a bit uncomfortable. But the fact is, "you" as an entity in isolation don't exist. We all speak in terms of "I." I went to the store today. I am angry at her. I don't like eating squid. The only use the "I" has for our purposes is for communication. Otherwise it's a myth we perpetuate. A limiting myth. There is no you in you.

We exist in a soup of external and internal influences and yes, perhaps there is a body that moves, a mind that thinks, but there is no you. There is no me. We misinterpret all of the things that we are doing as something that I do or he does. But the fact is, it is all just happening. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you have nothing to be proud of.

The only thing that maybe we are able to do is decide to feel frustration or appreciation for our circumstances. Frustration is a state of low energy and therefore low energy (unfun) things happen. Appreciation is the function of high energy. If we actually do have a role to play it is from either of those 2 standpoints. If you feel frustrated, try appreciating. It's that easy. There is no other power or control of which you are capable.

When we truly have looked within to see that there is not any sort of "I" lurking inside, the notion of feeling anger, blame, envy, or other yucky stuff towards someone else seems utterly absurd. There is no separation. You are everything. To send any other kind of energy away from yourself other than love, acceptance, joy, appreciation or other fun stuff is only, I repeat, ONLY hurtful to you. Because you ARE everything that you see, feel, taste, smell, hear. So let's stop the insanity.

"You got the power to let power go?" - Kanye West

The Fear

2012-01-30T17:45:00.000-08:00

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
Cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear
Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I’m gettin thinner
I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

The inordinate amout of bullshit

2012-01-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a bit about the ways in which people go about their lives in denial of reality. It boggles my mind really, how much bullshit is and was taking up mental space in my head.

I look back to my years in college. Only a small fraction of it was interesting and worthwhile, but still I did it. Kept doing it. Einstein's idea of insanity, right? And I think back to the papers that I had to write and how the act of bullshitting was rewarded. I mean how much of life is based on the talent of bullshitting? He who bullshits best wins? If I can submit a paper to a college professor and earn an 'A' based on a few sprinkled facts and a sack-load of bullshit, what does that mean about our society?

When people are filling up space and not living passionately, that is, not doing a job that they honestly care about, we end up with a world where bullshit is routinely dressed up, sprayed with febreeze, and shoved around to a bunch of people who don't really care. That's not life, it isn't living. How many people would happily fall from the WTC if they woke up and realized how much bullshit is filling up their world? Even love is buried in a huge heap of ego and bullshit. When someone can't even make up their mind to live their life the way they want to because it might "hurt" someone else is ridiculous. Who is this person that you would "hurt" and how in the world are they loving you to hold you back from such a thing?

Get real, stop the bullshit, live the life that you dream about or go jump off a building for God's sake.

September 11th, 2001

2012-01-28T20:19:00.000-08:00

"I worked ten hours a day and commuted two. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, paid bills, and was lucky to get four hours of sleep at night. I told myself it was all for the children, but I always knew that was a lie. We could have done much better for the kids. We were just stamping out more versions of ourselves because that's all we knew how to do. We became just like our parents because we didn't know who else to be. That's what I'm thinking as I fall, that it's hard to be sad because I don't know who's dying. What does it matter that I'm gone if I was never really here? I'm seconds away from the end of a life that was never really mine. I was all these people but I was never me, and now it's a beautiful September morning and my life is over and I don't know who to be."

Your world is only a representation of your mind

2012-01-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

Kooky idea?

Ok, then I ask you: Is your world amazing, playful, joy-filled, and beautiful?

If so, consider your internal world. The only way that your world is like those above adjectives is because your internal thoughts could be described exactly the same way.

If the opposite is true, Here is something that could help you: Breathing.

Conscious, deep breaths are very calming to your thoughts. If you are fearful, anxious, worried, try it. Pay attention as often as you can to deep, belly-expanding breaths. If your internal world is calm, there is simply no way that the external won't be as well.

Have you ever thought?

2012-01-28T15:20:00.000-08:00

"Men fear thought more than they fear anything else on earth- more than ruin, more than even death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by unfathomable depths of silence; yet bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. But if thought is to become the possession of the many, not the privilege of the few, we must have done with fear. It is fear that holds men back- fear lest their cherished beliefs should prove delusions, fear lest the institutions by which they live should prove harmful, fear lest they themselves should prove less worthy of respect than they have supposed themselves to be." - Bertrand Russell

After reading this the first time, I really didn't see how this could be true. Now I can't see how it couldn't not be true.

I spent time in 2 small downtown metro areas this week and saw the people coming and going. The same thing that they likely do every day. Over and over again. And that is how I know the above statement is the truth. And I even found myself thinking of the people who have influenced me in my life and felt anger and frustration about the fact that they never really spent any valuable time thinking about reality and how their lives are just being tossed in the trash. We find all kinds of excuses to rationalize why we do what we do rather than thinking about exactly what and why we do them. But, as I always do, I realized that my anger and frustration was simply at myself for doing exactly the same thing for years and years. Not thinking. Not realizing that I was slowly flushing my life in the toilet.

This is what thought does, it leads you to uncomfortable realizations. But these realizations are exactly the fuel that is needed for change.

What If?

2012-01-25T07:47:00.000-08:00

What if, today, this very moment, you made the following decision: "I will no longer do anything that I do not want to do."

What if?

So, now what happens is a voice comes in your head to explain to you the numerous ways why you couldn't possibly make such a decision. Now, if there was ever a time that you didn't know what the "ego" was, now you do. It is that exact voice. The one that thinks it has it all figured out. The voice who is making up all of those reasons why life can't be like you wish it to be.

What is that voice? How is it so certain? How does it create that fear fence that holds us apart from our dreams?

Human Adults and Human Children

2012-01-24T11:48:00.000-08:00

My greatest aspiration in life is to become what Jed McKenna calls a “Human Adult.” He asserts that the world is comprised mostly of “Human Children” mainly because we don’t understand that there is anything such as a Human Adult to which we can aspire. In the coming days I will be talking a lot about this topic because it is THE subject of intense focus of my life and weaves perfectly into my goal of this blog, which is to help people at the individual level to effect change in their lives. The change I speak of is based on the awareness and transcendence of fear.

In his book, Spiritual Warfare, McKenna explains that the human race lives life kind of like a grasshopper that has been caught by a spider. The grasshopper is still alive, but wrapped in layers of the web. Alive, but not alive. Thoreau suggests, at the end of Walden, “only that day dawns to which we are awake.” In fact, I would go as far as to say that Thoreau is giving perhaps one of the first, most detailed accounts of what life as a Human Adult is like. Thoreau’s “mass of men leading lives of quiet desperation” are the Human Children who are sleeping through an unsatisfying existence.

As an introduction, I will note the traits of Human Adults and Human Children.

Human Children

Fear-based, worrying, selfish, believe in reality of past and future, asleep, addicted, seeking to be controlled, controlling, blaming, questioning, unknowingly ignorant, petty, dishonest, believe in imperfection, materialistic

Human Adults

Gratitude-based, surrendering, in the moment, awake, unencumbered, selfless, certain, appreciating, knowingly ignorant, magnanimous, honest, accepting of perfection, content, manifesting authentic desires, simple, finding of true calling

DIY HDT

2012-01-23T10:32:00.000-08:00

In my last Thoreau post I was complaining about the fact that we are continuing to live our lives in exactly the same way for generations and generations. There is nothing new under the sun that truly represents engagement with new forms of art or new ways of life. Thoreau's idea was thus, "One generation abandons the enterprises of another like stranded vessels."

If we weren't so content with mediocrity and keeping the status quo, perhaps Thoreau's vision would be realized. But like I have stated repeatedly in this blog: we as a human race are strapped down by the forces of fear. One of the main purposes of this blog is to get the message out so that we take an honest look at the role fear plays in our lives at the individual level. It would be nice to affect change in the world, but this is mainly about what a single person can do to make a real change for him or herself. And I think Thoreau has some good suggestions.

"...find encouragement and inspiration in precisely the present condition of things, and cherish it with the fondness and enthusiasm of lovers"

Forget the past, stop worrying about the future. Life is right here; it's happening now. There will never be a time in your life that is not right now. So embrace what ever is happening. Forgive the people who you say have done you wrong because that keeps you stuck in the past and hurts only you. Who knows why people do what they do? By not forgiving you are asserting your own false ego by saying that you are better than they are. And that is never the truth, just a shadowy, imaginary thing that keeps you stuck. If you claim that you know for sure that everyone is not always doing the best that they can, you are living in a false reality where somehow you have been given the knowledge of God to judge. And worrying about the future is equally as futile. Accept fully everything that happens as if you planned it exactly to be that way. Because you have.

"Live in all respects so compactly and preparedly that, if an enemy take the town, he can, like the old philosopher, walk out the gate empty-handed without anxiety"

Henry is encouraging us to give up attachment to things. The material objects of the world are transitory and we have spent a large part of our culture becoming a slave to inanimate objects. If all of the contents of your home were robbed, would it really be such a big deal? What is it that you truly need?

"This spending of the best part of one's life earning money in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least valuable part of it, reminds me of the Englishmen who went to India to make a fortune first, in order that he might return to England and live the life of a poet. He should have gone up garret at once."

It completely amazes me that as a society we are content with handing over our lives to corporations or ways of making money that are unsatisfying, stressful, and unfulfilling. It amazes me even more that I didn't question this idea more strongly and spent years and money towards a career that was absolutely NOT what I wished to spend the best part of my life doing. What is going on? Why do we do this to ourselves? Well, the obvious answer is fear, but more importantly it's the fact that we are sleeping our way through life. Working for the weekend. Working to make money to do fun things that we scarcely have the time to enjoy. Is money that precious or are we guilty, like I am, of not investing the energy and thought in the direction of those things that light the fires of our passion? Thoreau says, "Let not to get a living be thy trade, but thy sport."

"All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself"

Take the time to appreciate nature. It seems that it is an innate characteristic of being alive that we are abundantly blessed with the ability to take joy in our natural surroundings. Go camping. Get a birdfeeder. Go for a walk and find your favorite tree. Henry is probably rolling in his grave at the sight of how disconnected from nature we are. There is a satisfying and awe-inspiring effect that nature has on our lives. We simply just have to notice : )

The Irritation Game

2012-01-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

A little game I like to play with myself is to look inside and find out what I am irritated by. It's fun because it always helps me move forward and always keeps me honest with myself.

If you aren't honest with yourself, then you are destined to keep running in that hamster wheel of life.

Here's what I do: I either catch myself at the moments when I find myself irritated at other people or sometimes I simply look inside and figure out what my triggers are. Then I ask myself why. Why am I irritated by this person or triggered by a particular thing? And the same answer comes up time and time again. There is something that I don't like about myself or something that I am not being honest about.

For instance, people who act like they know stuff REALLY has the power to irritate me. Why? Well, I have played the know-it-all act for most of my life. Acting as if I know the answers. The reality is, as I have said here before on the blog, is that I don't know shit. (Keep that in mind anytime I act like I do or write as if I do)

So, that's why people that act like they know stuff annoys me. Because it is a part of myself I dislike. In fact, I challenge anybody to take an honest look at the things that trigger them and you will find that it is intimately linked to something that you don't like about you.

We are much better off behaving and thinking like the ignorant beings that we all are. Socrates said, "I do not think that I know what I don't know." And he further explained that the only real difference between him and other people was the fact that he had an understanding of his own ignorance.

The only things we know for sure is that we are experiencing the world with our own senses. Oprah actually has a list of Things She Knows For Sure I actually kind of like her list, but these things are true for her and you have to verify them for yourself. And the question I would ask is, how do you really know for sure each and every time? Make your own list, but beware that they are mainly just your own thoughts and opinions and that we actually really don't know shit ; )

Oh, Henry!

2012-01-19T14:34:00.000-08:00

“How can he remember well his ignorance- which his growth requires- who has so often to use his knowledge”

I think Thoreau is expressing the fact that society promotes continual use of what we know and how we are perpetually adding on to existing knowledge, nowadays through the media of television and internet, that we forget what we don’t know. Humility is a virtuous trait when it comes to our own knowledge. We have to be willing to realize that we don’t know that much. In fact we know hardly ANYTHING from direct experience. We continually take the word of so-called “experts” and keep adding to a belief system based on endless information. Even science is subject to so many biases and distortions that we truly cannot accept ANYTHING without first-hand experience. He was big on the notion that you need to try things out for yourself. What information do you accept with blind faith? More importantly, what type of behaviors have you adopted based on what somebody else tells you?

“The Finest Qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another so tenderly.”

I would say this quote speaks for itself.

“It is never too late to give up our prejudices”

Amen, Henry!

“If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my mentors said nothing about…so little has been tried”

Oh, Henry! I love this quote because one of his assertions is that we rarely accomplish anything new. The mass of men, as Thoreau calls us, are living mostly the exact same lives that our parents lived and theirs before them. Yeah, we may have more convenient technology, but what is the point of existing to just keep the cycle going endlessly? The same thing. Grow up. Go to school. Get a job. Have a family. Die. Repeat. Where is the new frontier? What is the last thing that was radically new? Like Henry says, so little has been tried because we keep living the same fucking lives. Fear keeps us this puny little nothing race that has nothing to offer especially to this beautiful planet that we are trashing. We are human beings with the intelligence and materials to continue to expand and create. All we create is something to stick on a wall or titillate our senses. I am sorry, artists, but I’ve seen enough paintings and the movies that come out are mostly the same goddamn stories rehashed. Is this all we are limited to? Let’s turn off the television and think of something radical that doesn’t require a paintbrush or a computer. Aren’t we better than this??

2 Links 2 Share

2012-01-19T10:24:00.000-08:00

Thanks to KC for this one: http://advancedriskology.com/sunk-costs/

This seems to be somebody who likes straight talk, and I admire that : )

Thanks to Mamasu for this comedy and honesty gem!

What is Energy?

2012-01-18T11:57:00.000-08:00

If you have spent any time around New Age freaks and goofs you have likely heard the word “energy” or “vibes” tossed around with little explanation. These terms have also been infused into common vernacular with comments like “eww she has a really bad energy” or “ I really like the vibe in this room.”

What the hell are people talking about? Well, I have come to the realization that maybe those New Agers aren’t so freaky or goofy and perhaps there is something to this idea of energy. This realization seems to be coming to me over the soul searching that I have been doing in regards to money. Money is simply a representation of energy (and not a very good one actually).

The issue also came up during my retreat through an internal voice that said, “I no longer want money as a parent.” Well the last time I checked, money wasn’t changing my diapers or pushing my stroller around the zoo. So what does that mean? I think it means that what we have done as a society is set up this monetary system as a parental figure. Fear makes us desperate for something to control us so we don’t feel scared about being in control. That is the irrationality of fear: trade one scary thing for another, but dress it up as something that only seems less scary.

Let’s face the facts people. We are scared of being in control of our own lives. And the people who appear to like being in control are the most scared. So, we have set up the system of money so that it has the seeming power to control us. Look at the world you live in. How much power do you give away daily? By having a boss who is in charge. A government to watch over you. An literal parent still controlling your life even though he is sitting in a nursing home. And then at the end of the day we let the television suck out what’s left of it.

So, my own fears about money have led me to the point where I am literally sick of it having control of my life and praying for a way to release its power and reclaim my own. And the idea of energy is now starting to make more sense to me. The energy I put out is always given back to me. And most of the time the energy returned is in surplus of what I have expended.

Can you honestly answer the question, “what is money?” I mean really get down to the root of what it is? Paper? What is behind it? Gold in some stockroom that none of us have laid eyes upon? Numbers being added and subtracted in a computer at some bank by God knows who? Speculation passed around by companies and governments? I mean, somebody please tell me what the fuck it is!?!!?

So how do I remove the power of money? I think the answer is energy. We put out energy into the world by noticing beautiful things. By loving the people that we care about and even ones that we don’t. By noticing my own joy and encouraging the joy in others. And overall, through appreciating and the gratitude that we take the time to send out back into the world. As long as I am doing that, money loses its power. Because it has no actual power. Meister Eckhart has a famous quote, “If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is thank you, that would suffice.”

If I am allowing fear to run my life, if I am concentrating on more negative things than positive, if I am not appreciating life then I am sucking energy out and it is not being returned to me. If I am doing my job of taking the time to dedicate myself to my passion, enjoying what is around me, and using the moment to express gratitude, money no longer needs to neither remain a fear nor rule my world. And you skeptics out there who think I am full of shit have actually done all of these things that I am talking about, right?

So, I made the comment about money not being a good substitute for energy because it has no real value. Energy has value in terms of its expression in our lives. I don’t care if it is money that I am getting back or a fresh fruit basket that comes to my door by a smiling and sexy deliverer. The joy is what gets returned. There are plenty of trust-fund babies who have tons of money coming to them without any seeming energy being expended. But what is the money truly affording them? If they are experiencing joy from the money it can only be because they are putting joy back out into their world. So, don’t judge people by the amount of money they have, rather, judge them by the amount of joy they experience and follow THAT example.

Walden's Inspiration

2012-01-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

Hey everybody! As I mentioned before, I am going to share some inspirational quotes from Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" which I read during my rehab retreat.

I want to stick with the subject of internet and television addiction for just a bit because I was strongly inspired during my retreat to address this issue for myself and share it with you guys on the blog. Also, Thoreau's writing is very applicable in today's world despite the fact that it was written over 150 years ago. I would go as far as saying that his writing is even MORE applicable today because of the influence of television and internet in modern culture.

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind."

This quote made me consider the fact that our own imagination and creativity is not engaged in the act of watching television and surfing the web. I have heard people express dismay over the fact that we haven't seen the likes of Einstein since he has passed away in the 1950's. Sure, we have some inspiring and smart people, but nobody that has expanded our thinking of the universe as far as he did. And I always remember Einstein's quote, "imagination is more important than knowledge." So where is the new Einstein? Is he sitting at home playing video games instead of wondering about the cosmos?

"Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end"

So somebody please tell me what the last great invention has been!?! Many would say the internet, but let's be honest, what has it really done for us? For our lives? Ok, so yes it has been used to share some important information and dismantle some corrupt governments in the Middle East. And I admit that it has some good qualities. I love laughing at the newest YouTube silliness and I am obviously making use of it now. But it has hardly been an agent of social change in this country. About the best it does here is promote the cult of celebrity or help you reconnect with an old boyfriend. I will admit to being wrong here if I am being narrow minded, but I need some help being convinced.

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone"

I love this quote. If only because it appeals to my non-conformist (wink, KC) bent that I seem to have. But, in addition to that, Thoreau is honestly trying to get the message out that our lives are not being improved by the luxuries of life. If we are not engaging our creativity or interacting with nature, how is it possible to have a fulfilling life? I am not saying there aren't other ways, but I haven't heard about them. The television and the internet may expose us to some interesting and valuable ideas, but if all we are doing with those ideas is putting them in the back of our mind so we can watch the next episode of "Jersey Shore," what the hell is the point?

"If men would steadily observe realities only, and not allow themselves to be deluded, life to compare it with such things as we know, would be like a fairy tale and the Arabian Nights Entertainments"

What I think Thoreau is trying to express here is that we are walling ourselves off from a greater, richer, more glorious reality when we allow ourselves to be deluded. Sure it is great to get swept away in a good movie or just relax with a mindless show once in a while, but we have to realize that without the steady engagement of imagination and creativity, we are blocking ourselves off from real life. And, according to Thoreau, "reality is fabulous." But, how would we know this? We have spent out entire lives being plugged in to the boob tube or reading about what kind of dress Kim Kardashian wore when she was served with divorce papers. But try it out for yourself. What is the longest stretch of time that you went without seeing a TV or looking at a computer screen?

I am not sure what this reality is that Thoreau is talking about, but I have glimpsed it. Since I have seriously restricted myself from the internet since my retreat, I have felt more motivated, have been waking up earlier, and have a more palpable sense of joie de vivre Try it for yourself, you won't believe me until you do.

"That which puts out our eyes is darkness to us. Only that day dawns to which we are awake"

Ok, so this might be my favorite. What Thoreau is effectively saying is that unless we are using our own eyes, hearts, and minds, we are essentially in the dark. And this is what TV and internet does. It shuts off our own brain and we are linked in to somebody else's creativity and imagination. He goes even further to say that the mass of men are "asleep" in the sense that we are not seeing the true reality of the world because we are too busy looking at what other people are creating. It's time to wake the fuck up. I am not saying that television and internet should be banned. How could I talk to you here? What I am saying is notice how dependent you are on technology. Notice how we walk into a living room and without even thinking about it we have turned on the television and 3 hours later realize that we haven't moved from the couch the whole time. Notice how the simple intention of going to check your email leads you to an endless search to see if you can win a Publisher's Clearing House prize or find out about Justin Bieber having sex in a public bathroom.

Return from Rehab

2012-01-14T16:18:00.000-08:00

Well, I made it back from my solitary retreat and it was completely worthwhile.

The very first night confirmed to me that I was definitely addicted to the internet. Not because I was experiencing "withdrawal" symptoms, but a strong realization came to me that I have allowed the internet and to consume my awareness.

This is the same thing that television did to me when I was younger. When I was about 22 or so I completely gave up television, but shortly thereafter, I let the internet take its place. Kinda like swapping heroin for crystal meth!

This is a true addiction and I would say that television and internet are probably the most common addictions that people in this country and most of the developed countries experience. What is happening is that the TV and internet live our lives for us. We hook in to the stream of these images and mindless stories and thus give away our own life force. We shut out the world around us and our own nature, creativity, and passions are sucked out of us as if we have a vacuum cleaner attached to our head and our heart.

Does this sound extreme or exaggerated? Try giving up TV and the internet for a whole week and see how you feel. As a matter of fact, have you ever went more than a couple of days without having your attention somehow absorbed in a form of technology? We are collectively robbing ourselves from the beauty of life, the beauty of nature, and our own creative potential by spending our time consumed by technology.

While I was on the retreat, I finally read "Walden" by Henry David Thoreau from cover to cover and it blew me away. It was the exact message that I needed to hear. I took many notes from the book and will be sharing them in the days to come. But even in Henry's day, people were unaware of how they slept through their lives by not being aware. Not being awake. And that is what the internet and television is doing to us: effectively putting us to sleep. If you don't believe me, how long can you give it up? How do you feel when you do?

Rehab Retreat

2012-01-08T10:39:00.000-08:00

I realized that I am an addict.

I am addicted to having my awareness filled up constantly. Mainly through electronic devices like my laptop and my smartphone. And I think it is stifling my creativity.

So, I am going to do something that I have never tried. Go off completely alone for about 6 days. All I will have with me is food, clothing, toiletries, notebook, pen, and one book. This will be the first time ever that I will be completely left to my own devices.

My prediction is that I will benefit from the experience. Stay tuned to find out if my prediction is true! See you in 6 days.

Sending a clear message

2012-01-03T09:43:00.000-08:00

After re-reading some posts and talking to some people, I think it is time to really make a clear and concise message so that this post can be referred to as a way to eliminate confusion. This isn't a blog to complain about things like fear and death. It is to display them in the most beneficial light because those 2 things are what we have to get serious about to make some changes. And the most wonderful thing about this message is that a better life IS possible. A more fulfilling life that actually has some meaning to YOU rather than the manufactured and spoon-fed meaning that we receive from society. The only thing is that you have to actually do something. I can't write something or recommend a religion that will pull you up to where you want to be. You have to have a burning desire to stop living the life that you have and be willing to do whatever it takes to change. If you are happy and satisfied with your life, then keep living it and for crying out loud, don't read this silly blog!!

Ok, so in no particular order here are the things that it takes to get you started:

- Question the notion of free will. At least realize there is a margin of error here. I think this is important so that we stop blaming each other and ourselves for what isn't going right in our lives. You are destined to stand still if you are blaming anyone for anything. This is about taking 100% responsibility for yourself and directing your free will (if there is such a thing) towards things that are helpful.

- Recognize how fear rules your world. The reason for this is that fear has to be exposed to you. You have to see the variety of ways that fear is controlling you. Once you see it, you start to break its power. You develop a healthy contempt for it and start to take the necessary steps to free yourself from limiting beliefs. This step probably requires written question and answers. Writing is a POWERFUL tool. I can't exaggerate what help can come to you by putting thoughts on paper or a computer screen. It is amazing and you can accomplish way more than just bouncing thoughts around in your head. Start by asking yourself questions to yourself and keep going. For example: "why do I get up in the morning?" "why do I care what she thinks?" "who do I still blame him for what happened 3 years ago?" "what is the purpose of life?" Come up with your own questions designed to get to the truth about your own motivations.

- Practice gratitude and awe. Start to recognize all of the amazing things in the world. Write about the ways in which you have been blessed. Keep a journal or take photos of the things that you appreciate. Ignore the television news. In fact, ignore the television that cuts you off from your own creativity and go outside and just look around. This is a beautiful place. Full of creatures, friends, trees, poems, tastes, art, tenderness, and magic. And a million other things that are constantly coming into awareness. Maximize the gratitude in your life. See the world as a friendly place and that you belong here. You have nothing to prove to the world; in fact the world is constantly proving itself to you by sharing its beauty. Stop ignoring it. Welcome it.

- And if all of the above don't work all you need to do is start getting real about death. Face the facts: you have absolutely no clue when death will come knocking on your door. If you are creating stories in your head about how death isn't approaching for years to come, then you are creating the breeding ground for fear. Why does this create fear? Because we are covering up the fact of our death and by doing so, the fear of death starts to manifest in our lives in a multitude of ways. We are all scared of dying. And is isn't the act of death. It's more about dying and not having lived a life that means a damn thing. The meaninglessness of a life lived under the iron fist of fear. If we live our lives ruled by fear, what the hell is the point? To make more kids who are ruled by the same thing? It seems like a big cruel joke. And it is, until you get real. Let death enter your awareness. Let it define you. If this was your last day on earth, how would you spend it? See how making friends with death makes every other problem you think you have seem ridiculous. See how death comes in and immediately shuts up every petty complaint that someone is about to make. See how death makes an old tree in your yard look like the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.

Another Damn Blog?

2011-12-29T12:55:00.000-08:00

Haha, yep!

But totally different. This blog here is for rambling, the other blog is for...

Well just go and check the thing out!

To Delight Me

My Job

2011-12-29T10:42:00.000-08:00

Talking with my good friend last night about free will, I kind of realized that I have been neglecting my job.

My "job" is to maximize my gratitude and continually recognize the beauty of the world.

How is this related to free will? Well, as you may or may not have read in my post, 'A question of will,' I was exploring the age-old concept of free will: whether we actually have any or not. This subject is also closely linked to the subject of 'ego.' Our ego will go to great lengths to convince us that we have some kind of free will. It will tell us all kinds of things to convince us how other people also have free will. And the door that this swings open is a dangerous one: The door of blame.

Somehow, we have convinced ourselves beyond a shadow of a doubt that other people have free will and so do we. So, therefore, people can and should be blamed and we can and should feel guilt. But take a few minutes to consider all of the implications of this: Isn't this the root of the world's problems? The country's problems? Our inter-personal problems?

Just food for thought here. I don't have any answers. I am making all this shit up (or regurgitating it) as I go along. Don't believe me. Just think. YOU have all the answers that work for you. But you have to open your mind a bit and be willing to consider these heavy duty things. It's the only way change happens. Right? Who the hell knows...

Bottom line is this- I don't know if we do or don't have any free will. It seems to me that we don't. We are a bundle of cells, floating in a soup of our own environment. Reacting to a given set of circumstances in the best way that we can. If we relax into the idea of having no free will, doesn't it seem that we would be doing ourselves and the world some good?

However, if we do have free will, wouldn't it best to use it for the things that would be useful? So, I declare that the best job for me is to pretend that I can exert some free will. But the important part about this is to direct my pretend free will in the direction that I think is the most beneficial to me and the world. My responsibility is to take the initiative to bring in beauty (by being grateful) and recognize the beauty (by being in in awe) of the world.

I think I have a pretty cool job! I just have to make sure that I show up for it : /

Cool Quote

2011-12-27T17:28:00.000-08:00

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

~ Charles Frédéric Dubois

JAWS, the sequel

2011-12-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water...

Something comes along and makes you realize that you aren't done. There is still more work to do. I found this out through an inner conflict that I was having with somebody.

I realized that I have been lying to myself and to other people about a relationship in my life. I have been saying to myself and other people that this relationship is really good. Yeah, no problems there. Haha, yeah right. I realized I was lying when I had resistance about contacting this person. There was a definite emotional reaction that I felt.

I know better now than to dismiss an emotional reaction in myself. I know that if I have any tendency inside to blame someone else for my feelings, that I am blocking myself from the truth. And that means, there's work to do. For me, that work means writing out thoroughly how I feel about the situation, the person, and myself.

I don't think the details are really important enough to impart, but let me be clear that it isn't anything too dramatic. I wasn't abused or anything like that. But, through the writing process, I came to realize where my emotional reaction came from.

I realized that all of the things that I find distasteful about myself, where actually visible in this person who I felt that tendency to blame. I wanted to blame this person for setting an example that I know now I never wanted to follow. But it is never the other person. Looking back, I can now see how this relationship truly benefitted me BECAUSE it was less than perfect. I realize how this shaped me into being a person that I can now respect and who is finally moving towards a life that I truly desire. And without this person that I am trying to blame, I may not have made it to this place.

If you believe that someone has held you back from living the life that you want, just take the time to write a letter to that person (even if you never send it). Write out exactly how this person made you feel and try your best to look at it from their perspective too. Blame them until you get to the point that you can see that you can't blame them for anything. Or, until you see that it isn't them that was ever holding you back. And you may see, like I did, how this undesirable relationship contributed to making you who you are in good ways. It's a cathartic process that really helps you get unstuck and when you are done, you will feel a helluva lot better.

Inward not Outward

2011-12-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

Are you interested in knowing how far along you are in making a real change in your life?

I think that the best way to know this, is by looking at your life and recognizing how much of it you are taking responsibility for.

"Well of course I am taking responsibility for my life," you may say. "I work, I pay my bills, take care of my family..." etc...

But this is NOT the responsibility I am talking about. Are you exactly where you want to be in your life? Are you still plagued by fear and all of its synonyms that I talked about in other posts? Do you get mad, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, upset, worried, sad, at least once a week? Once a month?

If you experience any of these emotions and blame somebody or something in your life, you are not taking responsibility for your life. I know that sounds harsh, maybe even lacking compassion, but it's honest. I am honestly telling you that you are 100% responsible for the way you feel all the time no exceptions. But, I can't explain why to you. Only you can. If you look at all of the things that prevent you from living the life that you want, from being free from the fear that limits you, all you have to do is look. Look and see how you are responsible. Don't contribute to the cycle of blame that exists in the world. Be the change you want to see. I know it is a cliche, but it is a true cliche. Don't worry about what anybody else is doing, you are only distracting yourself. Or looking for more reasons to stand still and not move in the direction that could bring about a more fulfilling life.

So what you have a shitty parent, so what your job sucks, so what the economy is in the shitter, so what there is war going on in the world. None of that is going to stop you from having the life that you want. You are the only one that can stop you. If you don't believe me, try looking at your life closely. Look at the "whys"for everything that you do. Take a bird's eye view of your life and wonder how things are the way they are. What have you got to lose?

I AM

2011-12-26T11:51:00.000-08:00

It's funny when you get started thinking about something, things that are associated with it start showing up in the world. Kinda like when you get a new car, you suddenly start noticing that same car everywhere.

Well, just as I was talking about the false notion of 'separation' in yesterday's post, I came across this movie that is saying that our weird idea that we are separate from each other and our world is actually what is wrong with it.

“It is one light which beams out of a thousand stars. It is one soul which animates all men.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The guy who made the film also had a great quote at the end, "We started [the film] by asking what's wrong with the world and we ended up discovering what's right with it"

The filmmaker is Tom Shadyac. He made millions of dollars making films like "Ace Ventura" and "Bruce Almighty." He gave up all of his riches and now lives in a trailer park. Albeit a nice trailer park, but nonetheless! It's a really cool movie. I was able to watch it on-demand for $8. It's coming out on DVD next month and maybe in some theaters.

Check it out: I AM

Let's go a lil further

2011-12-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

For those of you who may have a scientific bent, check out this link to an interesting YouTube clip. This goes further to explain some of the ideas in my last post, 'Turbulence.'

Neurons

There is a connection here to what I was explaining as the origin of fear: the untrue notion that we are separate from our surroundings and that we imagine to be in control of things which we have no control. It is that apparent lack of control over our environment that gives rise to fear. Fear in all of it's various forms: anger, irritation, frustration, guilt, loneliness, boredom, etc...

What this video explains is that there is an absence of separation at the basic neuronal level that connects us to the environment in which we find ourselves. And it is our lack of self-awareness, of how we are connected to everything that actually prevents us from seeing reality in a truer sense. Fear puts up blinders in our world. We are blinded to our connection to our surroundings and therefore we operate under many false beliefs regarding the nature of everything. We are under the false assumption that we are separate from the world around us. And this leads to an even more limiting belief that we somehow have to prove ourselves worthy of the life that we live. When, in fact, we are an integral part of everything.

Once we start the process of shedding the fear that we have, reality becomes much more friendly, brighter, and we discover how and why there is so much to appreciate and wonder at in life. It leads to the new operating system that is managed by the emotion of gratitude rather than the emotion of fear.

Turbulence

2011-12-22T22:06:00.000-08:00

I recently flew back from Las Vegas to Pittsburgh. It was a pretty long flight...actually took 2 flights to get here.

The thing about flying in an airplane that always freaked me a bit is turbulence. Of course turbulence in an airplane is common, but nonetheless it always gets my heart pumping faster. What causes the tachycardia? You guessed it- Fear.

An interesting thing happened on this flight because something came bubbling into my awareness. Something that I already knew, but this was the first time I played around with it.

There was a good bit of turbulence all along the first flight and I was definitely feeling that familiar sensation of stomach in knots and in my chest..along with the hastening pulse. But suddenly I became conscious of how fear is really nothing more than my attempt to exert control. Control over something that I have no control over. What I am saying is that I became fearful because the illusion of controlling something (the airplane) was breaking down.

This is always what the sensation of fear is caused by: you thinking that you have control over life situations and then the realization that you have no control. Does this make any sense? Okay let's play with this:

Fear is synonymous with lots of different things, but let's pick anger. Think of the last time you were angry with someone. Somehow another person did something that didn't sit well with you (and when I say 'you' I am talking about your 'ego'). Now that emotional sensation is based on the fact that you fooled yourself for awhile that you had control over this person's behavior because for a time they were doing things that either pleased you or to which you were indifferent. Now they have the audacity to do something that shows you that, in fact, you have no control. So you start to feel anger (again, synonymous with fear) and you have realized that your illusion of control has been broken.

Same thing with the airplane turbulence. I was feeling illusory control of the plane up to the point it started bumping around and now my illusion of control has been destroyed and my emotional reaction is evoked.

So what I am trying to say, in a long-winded sort of way is that fear is the silly notion that we have control over our lives. And the negative emotions that occasionally arise are simply when that illusion of control is called into question and the annoying sensation occurs.

So what do we do? Well, it's easier said than done, but very possible: we start to relinquish the notion that we control our lives. We allow acceptance to take over and go with the flow. This is what some religious people mean when they say things like, "Let Go, Let God." There are lots of different phrases like this that mean the same thing. Give in...surrender...accept what is.

It sounds all very defeatist, but this is actually how you begin to take charge of your life and stop giving fear so much power. Play with it and see for yourself. Think of any type of negative emotion that you have experienced. Guilt, for instance. Guilt is also another word for fear. What were you feeling guilty about? Guilt is that feeling that somewhere along the line you lost control over your behavior and this has now led to an emotional reaction. If you did something, accept what happened. If you need to make up for it or apologize, go for it, but for God sakes stop dwelling on it. You are just reinforcing fear. Instead, look at your prized petunias and notice how beautiful they are and how grateful that your eyes get to feast upon them.

Another good one to play with is worry. My God, what is a more wasteful emotion than worry? It seems like you can't help worrying, but you can. Recognize that a situation is beyond your control. Accept your powerlessness. Let the chips fall were they may and wait and see if the outcome actually is what you wanted all along. Find fear's hiding place. And actually you will see that it was never hiding...it's there in plain view. It takes the shape of our negative emotions and when we trace those negative emotions to their source it is always the idea that we have lost control. But the kicker is this: we never had control in the first place!!

Fear Babble

2011-12-22T15:25:00.000-08:00

So why do I keep talking so much about fear? If you have read this blog, you will definitely notice that the subject of fear is THE subject that I am looking at closely.

The point is to expose fear as the number one controlling influence in our lives. If I sound like some paranoid schizophrenic, please tell me. But the fact is that if you look closely, you will see that we are literally living in a world ruled by the stuff and the reason to look closely at it is to break it's hold it has over us.

If you want to see a real change happen in your life, it takes looking at all the ways that fear controls you. Once you do this, you start to develop a healthy contempt for it and this is where it begins to break down. If you go back to an older post from Dec. 5th, 2011 called "Fear vs. Gratitude," you will see where I was talking about having fear-based desires vs. what you really want. This is where you can truly start to see what can happen in your life when fear begins to lose its grip and discover what actually does matter to you.

I also referenced a movie earlier on called, "Finding Joe." Joseph Campbell was talking about how people get tired of being a victim in their own life and decide to strive for something greater. Movie

This is what he called, "The Hero's Journey." This is where life can truly begin. Once out of the confinement of fear, you discover what your life was really meant for. But I have to stress the fact that this isn't about bravery. Sure, it takes a little courage to look at your life honestly and stop fooling yourself. But, the fuel truly comes from the discovery of how fear controls everything in your life. Once you see it, you can catch it and start loosening the chains. Writing about it is the very best way. Simply start asking questions to yourself on paper. Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I care what people think of me? Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I believe in God? Why don't I believe in God?

Whatever works for you. Everyone has their own questions and there isn't any right or wrong way to look at your life. And if my statements seem exaggerated or paranoid, tell me. I love to hear what you guys think about this stuff. Challenge me. Challenge yourself. This is about changing the world one person at a time and discovering how amazing life can be.

The coolest thing I've ever seen

2011-12-20T08:46:00.001-08:00

The Grand Canyon:

Failed Trip to Grand Canyon

2011-12-18T11:44:00.001-08:00

The King of Fears

2011-12-17T22:06:00.001-08:00

No, I'm not talking about Budweiser.
I am talking about M.O.N.E.Y.

The biggie. I have been sitting on this one for a while. I knew that I would be writing about it sooner or later. My trip to Vegas has definitely inspired me to talk about it now.

First of all, I have to say that Vegas is incredible. I'm talking about the Vegas Strip where you will see so many amazing things all in a relatively small area of town. I mean the architecture, the lights, the sights, the fountains, the imitations, the crazies, the attractions…we are talking sensory overload. I walked around a few of the hotel/casinos yesterday and was just blown away.
If you haven't seen it, you should. I don't think there is anything like it in the world.

And the crazy thing is, I have barely scratched the surface. I haven't even seen that much yet. And the landscape surrounding Vegas is beautiful. The mountains and the desert-sometimes it looks almost purple.

However, the area around the strip is commercial, suburban hell. Just tons of fast food places, malls, strip malls, other casinos, and traffic. And it seems like it stretches forever.
And the people here seem miserable. Aggressive drivers, sad-looking immigrants, bitchy customers. Of course, this area has been hit hard by the economic crisis, so I guess they have a reason to be a bit foul.

It strikes me that money is the single most influential factor of life in the modern world. It's fear's right-hand man. If I am wrong, tell me what is bigger? Love and compassion aren't more important in this world. At least not at this moment in time. No, fear is our ruler, dictator, king, and queen.

Money trumps love and compassion in this world in a heartbeat. If it weren't so, we wouldn't have wars and famines. Parents wouldn't leave their children for something as ridiculous as a job. We wouldn't have sold out our country so that all of the work that we used to do here is now done in Asia.

I am not telling you anything that you don't already know. Money's power to corrupt is endless. Just look at the boss/employee relationship. Now, I have been blessed with nothing but good bosses all my life, but I have seen the sickening relationship that fear and money bring into this scenario. Have you ever been an employee and were forced to be nice to an awful person because you were scared to lose your job. Have you ever been a boss and had people act phony towards you because they want to ensure that they keep a job? What about prostitutes?

I could go on and on. But one last example is from my own situation. I left my partner, but I would dare to guess that it wouldn't have had to be that way had money not been an issue. We could have simply decided to travel around together if money was not such an influential factor. In fact, the only negative letter I received about my decision to do what I did was all about money. And money has been the single biggest question on people's minds when they consider what I am out here doing. "What are you going to do for money?" "What happens when your money runs out?"

Now, I would be lying if I were to tell you that money wasn't on my mind.
Yes, my money will run out, but everyday it becomes less and less a matter of concern. And today I experienced a situation that made me realize how sickening money is and how I know that I am doing the right thing. Because I will never again be a slave to money. And isn't that what we all are? Would you be living the same life that you live now if money was not a factor? It's the same question if I replaced the word 'money' for the word 'fear.' Aren't they synonyms?

Anyway, I was on my way driving from Vegas to the Grand Canyon. It's a pretty long drive about 250-275 miles each way. I stopped in a little town called Kingman, AZ for gas. While I was there a guy came up to me and said that it looked like something was wrong with my tire. And, as luck would have it, he was a tire guy and his shop was right next door. Now, I am no expert on cars or tires, but I was immediately suspicious. Seemed a little too convenient. But, I told him it was a rental car and sure, he could put it up on the rack and check it out. He had the car lifted up and sure enough, I could definitely see a tearing on the inside of the front tire. He also noticed something wrong with one of the back tires as well, but this was less obvious to me than it was to him.

To make a long story less long, he called the rental place and said that I had problems with 2 tires and that he would be glad to replace them. The rental car place said that I could pay for the 2 new tires and they would reimburse me. Well, I wasn't interested. I told the guy to take the car off the rack and I will drive the car back and get a replacement. Meanwhile, another unsuspecting gas customer was being waved over from the pump to the tire store. Yeah, it was a racket. And the guy working with me was gross. Just a slimy, sickeningly sweet persona that I just wanted to get away from as soon as I could.

So, I took the car back and got a nicer one. No big deal. But the whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. The nasty taste of watching fear devour people's lives. The tire guy was probably just a nice, normal guy trying to make a living. And fear and money tainted him and has him a slave to a tire racket who gets dopes like me to buy tires on their way out to see one of nature's most beautiful creations. And going back to the car rental place and watching the employees throw their lives down the drain to work in a soul-sucking place like Vegas. The place was crawling with tourists looking to get their cars and they were understaffed. They spend most of their day doing a mindless job for unappreciative people. It's hard to describe how sick this makes me. How sick this whole town makes me to see people, all amazing in their own special way, work in a soul-starved place because money runs our lives.

So yeah, fuck money. Fuck it's all-encompassing, soul-drying, stomach-twisting putridness. If I can't make money doing something that I am absolutely passionate about, then I guess I don't make money. Tell me a better way? What is the answer? The answer is, for me, that if the universe is a benevolent place, like I know it to be, I will be perfectly fine.

So for those of you who are wondering what am I going to do for money? The question better asked is what won't I do for money? I won't starve my soul and be a slave to it anymore. I will love this beautiful world and give my gratitude and appreciation for everything that it is.

Vegas Shmegas

2011-12-16T15:59:00.001-08:00

A question of will

2011-12-16T11:54:00.001-08:00

A question that has fascinated me for a long time is the question of whether or not people actually possess the power of free will. If you really look deeply into this area it has the ability to blow the lid off of society in general.

Our whole society is based on the idea that we actually can choose right from wrong and choose what direction that we will take our lives. Let's take a murderer for example or even a child molester. Is it just luck that I am not one?

A sobering and humbling thought to me was how could I ever know that I wouldn't have ended up committing horrible acts like many people have. If I was born at a particular time, in a particular environment, to a particular family, with a specific make up of brain matter, and specific exposure to specific experiences, who is to say that I wouldn't have grown up to do some really awful things? Or some really great things for that matter?

In the book, "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell makes a strong case for the fact that people like Bill Gates and Mozart where lucky enough to be born in a situation that gave them all sorts of favorable conditions. His concepts challenged the idea of the self-made man for an alternative convincing idea about how highly successful people are actually products of extraordinary environments that give them a huge advantage.

We can take this matter conversely to the typical person spending their life in jail. Look back at their life and see what sort of situation they were subjected to. I would guarantee that you would notice a very particular trend. Awful childhood, perhaps addiction and/or mental illness, and the list goes on...

I have posed this concept to many people over the years and I am struck with a similar response. People usually give examples of those who have beat the odds and come out successfully despite forces against them.

Sometimes it was a very strong response as if people don't like to consider the fact that the reason that they are in the position they are in could be very little to do with their own efforts. And the urge to blame is so strong in us. We are so quick to judge people and have no doubt that we would make all of the right choices no matter what the conditions were.
But ask yourself, is this REALLY true? How in the world could you know?

Unless you experience the exact same conditions looking through the exact same pair of eyes, using the exact same brain chemistry, you could NEVER know.

So what is my point to this diatribe? My position is that we are just lumps of clay that the universe shapes and twists and bends into whatever forms our lives presently take. This may sound like a cynical approach, but whatever control we may be able to exert in our own lives comes from waking up out of the dream of fear that most of us are snoring our way through. If you are reading this, could it be that somehow you are being asked to look more deeply at your life? What is the purpose of your life? To be born, grow up, get a job, raise a family, die…and to have the whole cycle endlessly repeated? If that is a satisfying scenario for you, then far be it from me to suggest an alternative view. If you are living a satisfying life, then keep living it for God's sake.

But if there is a gnawing inside you, like there was inside me for something different, something more fulfilling than the monotony of regular life, start by looking close. Refuse the temptation to blame others and look at the pattern of your life. Where is fear blocking you? Keep looking in that direction and you may discover how you have been sleeping through an endless pattern of the same things over and over. How you are repeating the environment that was created for you as a child? All it takes is that you look closely. Writing about it is the best way. Once you see it you can then start to dream up something new for yourself.

The Drought

2011-12-13T20:16:00.000-08:00

It would be difficult to exaggerate the miracle it is to stop giving a shit about what other people think about you.

Now, I am not saying that this is about saying a big "screw you!" to people. In fact, it's more about saying "screw you!" to yourself.

What I realized about myself was that a vast majority of my life was being spent being concerned about how people saw me through their eyes. Until you really look at it, it is mostly an unconscious thing. This is what a lot of thinkers and writers are speaking of when they talk about the EGO.

The ego is the false self. This is the face that you put on for people that is really not you. I remember seeing it and not knowing what it was even when I was a kid. This false self is not as strong with the people that you are intimate with. Have you ever noticed that people who are really close to each other often treat other people better? This is true many times with romantic partners.

My father (sorry, dad, if you ever read this) would put on this particular face with his friends and strangers. I noticed that he actually would treat other people better than he would treat his wife. Now don't get me wrong. He treated his wife very well. What I am talking about is that friendly openness and charm that comes out when you are around people that aren't as close to you as somebody you live with. I remember that she would point this out to him, how he was nicer to his friends than to her. I'm not sure if he agreed, but I certainly could see it. And as I got older I did EXACTLY the same thing. It's kinda along the lines of "you always hurt the ones you love." But most of the time it isn't hurting necessarily, it's just that your ego is less active with people who really know you well.

Let me give some other examples of this false self that I succumbed to and still have to vigilantly monitor. For instance, I would occasionally drink red wine. Now I am telling the truth when I say that I think that red wine is mostly disgusting. I can drink a glass here and there, but I don't really like it. I am sure that many people have acquired a taste for it, but as much as I have had red wine, it has never appealed to me. However, after watching a movie called "Sideways" I got it my head that drinking red wine was cool. Not just any red wine, Pinot Noir specifically. God forbid I would have Merlot. Now, my taste buds are not so sensitive to know the difference, but my ego knew. Pinot Noir is cool. I want other people to be aware of my preference for the superior quality of Pinot Noir. For crying out loud, give me a beer or a glass of cheap white wine. Better yet, give me a glass of milk.

One of my greatest joys in life is music. And my ego would even creep in here to monitor what type of music I would listen to. My ego would pay attention to what was cool and what I wanted other people to know that I listened to. And concerts, probably my favorite thing to do, would be corrupted by this noxious ego. There were times that I didn't fully enjoy the concert experience because I was more worried about whether or not other concert goers would notice that I could lip-sync the lyrics to the songs really well. Are you kidding me??!! Talk about nonsense.

These are just a couple of examples of how the ego can really control who you are. For me it was a constant thing. Always hyper-aware of how other people would see me. But the crazier thing was, it was my interpretation of how they saw me, not necessarily what they did see. It was particularly strong when it came to my physical appearance. I always was critical about how I appeared and would constantly monitor this. It led me to feelings of inadequacy when I perceived people as better looking than me.

The ego is a consumer of your soul's energy. If you can get to the point where you stop caring about what other people think, it frees up so much of this energy and you start to notice more and more the beauty of life around you. Gratitude comes more and fear comes less. Many people may not relate specifically with the way my ego affected me. But look at your own unique hangups. Where are you spending the majority of your mental energy? What are the things that you take so personally that really aren't that important?

This highlights the need I already mentioned for people to find that thing that they become selfless within. For some it is dedicating their life to their family. For others it might be their work or their art. But the idea is to stop the wasting of energy that the ego consumes and that is a breeding ground for fear.

I was driving back from Cannon Beach today and a song popped up while I was shuffling through. It is, fittingly, by a band from Portland called Horse Feathers. The song is called, "The Drought." It made me think of the ego's influence in my life. How it created a drought of the soul all of my life. It is a shockingly beautiful song. Check it out. And pay attention to the lyrics.

Song

Lyrics

Cannon Beach

2011-12-13T19:20:00.000-08:00

Wow, I think I saw the coolest beach ever today. My friend in Pittsburgh told me how much she wanted to visit this beach and how the movie, "The Goonies" was filmed there. Got some great photos.

Beliefs

2011-12-12T22:52:00.000-08:00

My grandmother has stressed the concept to me about loving and caring and being around others. Perhaps she is afraid that I am feeling lonely or that I would be better off spending time by being in close proximity to family and friends. Let me just say to her or anyone else that may be concerned about that: I am totally fine. There is a certain comfortableness to being alone for me. When I first started out, loneliness definitely creeped in. I had some scary moments down in Big Sur, but somehow, my desire to continue on pushed me beyond my ideas of what being alone meant and let me continue in a less fearful and more joyful way.

This brings up the opportunity to address the concept of beliefs. Beliefs are like air bubbles that we float around in. We get our beliefs from society and from our own experiences. The thing about beliefs is that they often go unexamined. Sometimes we are pushed into a new paradigm of beliefs based on an unusual or traumatic experiences. Sometimes, like in my case, we push ourselves beyond the barriers that beliefs create around us. If you say something that you think is true, make sure that you have hard evidence. Evidence can usually only be found by actually trying something out for yourself.

For example, A short time ago I never would have believed that I would have been able to embark on this journey. Giving up my job and leaving behind the life I knew is something that I think many people consider, but seems crazy scary too. In my case, I went through the process of challenging many of my fears. I simply examined and wrote out the things that scared me or the things that I didn't desire in my life. I looked hard at beliefs that I held and decided whether or not they were helping or hindering me. Once I got through some really scary stuff, all of the sudden the ideas that once seemed impossible seemed possible. Now, keep in mind, there wasn't an absence of fear when I began this whole thing. What is more accurate is that the fear became more manageable.

So, when my grandmother talks about the idea of needing to be around friends and family in order to have a fulfilling life, I would say that she is expressing a belief. Perhaps a very good belief that works for her. Now, I am not saying that I completely dismiss this belief, but I do think it can be challenged if one wishes it to be. I had to challenge it in order to do this. I had to get comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not promoting this idea of being alone. But I do promote the idea that strongly held beliefs that limit you can be challenged. Sometimes it takes confronting that specific belief head-on or sometimes a belief is weakened by challenging other fears that plague us. At least this is true in my experience.

My grandmother also has mentioned that she doesn't understand what I am looking for. Let me help clear the matter up. I am not traveling around looking for anything. If I need to find something, I have faith that it will find me. It is more easy to address this matter by explaining what I am NOT looking for in my life. I am NOT willing to work at a job that is unsatisfying. I am NOT willing to live my life waiting around to travel and see the things I want to see as if I had all the time in the world. I am NOT willing to do things that I don't want to do. I am NOT willing to let fear dictate the life that I am living.

Six months ago, those demands that I am making would probably have seemed absurd to me. Of course you have to do things that you don't want to do. Of course you have to stick it out in a job that is unsatisfying. Of course you may have to be patient to see the places you have dreamed about. Well guess what? These are all the beliefs that were boxing my life in. If I am crazy, so be it. At least I am having a good time being crazy. I am determined to keep pushing the boundaries of what is possible in this life. Because life is unbelievably precious and beautiful and amazing. Who knows how much longer we have to enjoy it?

Yes, I still care for and love my friends and family. Yes, I still want what is best for them. But I also have this crazy idea that they would truly accept what it is that makes me happy and support me in that. I can go on without it, but it does make a huge difference.

The Beauty of Nature

2011-12-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered why the beauty of nature resonates so much with humans? I find it so interesting that most of us share a common reaction to natural beauty and the fact that we have such a strong interest to see it. I don't know what it means, if anything. But to me it seems like the proof that we need that tells us that we live in a benevolent universe. All of the things that we need to live a joy filled life are all around us. If we take the time to really notice the natural beauty that surrounds us, it can be a portal in which gratitude for living can start to take over as a dominant force in our lives. Here are some photos I took today along a beautiful stretch along the Colombia River here in Oregon.

Conversation in Portland

2011-12-12T00:19:00.000-08:00

I met a guy here in Portland. A young guy in his mid 20's and we started having a conversation. We started off just casually talking about the sights worth seeing in the area. After a short time, he decided to confide to me some problems that he was dealing with in his life. He began by telling me that he had a hard time in high school and didn't have many friends. He said that things hadn't gotten much better as he was older. A particular topic that he seemed fixated on was the fact that he had no luck finding a date. He started a lengthy discussion on the matter of physical attractiveness in our society. He felt that because he was overweight, people didn't take him seriously. He attributed his inability to find a date on the fact that people did not find him physically attractive. The other factor, he felt, was that people also looked passed him because he is Asian. He claimed that in American society, Asian men are not as desirable as white, black, and latino men.

His weight seemed to be a major issue for him and he talked about how it was so difficult to successfully adhere to a diet to get closer to his ideal weight. How his bad eating habits seemed unbreakable because they existed since he was a young child. Try as he might, he was unable to get to a weight that he found desirable.

He was currently quite anguished about the fact that he could not find a meaningful romantic relationship. He went on for a while about how society shapes our perception of physical attractiveness and how easily he is dismissed because of his weight and his race.

I asked him, quite frankly, that if he felt his weight was a major barrier to his ability to be perceived as physically attractive, why he did not take the necessary means to lose the weight. He went back to the issue of his habitual patterns of eating poorly and how he just couldn't stick to a diet. I challenged him by asking him if it was possible if he actually preferred the poor diet to finding a partner. He seemed to consider the question momentarily, but then dismissed it and carried on to the topic of race.

He had a number of beliefs about the subtle racism in human sexuality and how white people in particular have certain biases towards other races. How Asian women are exoticized but Asian men are rarely even seen as fashion models. He had concocted a whole story, that seemed quite thought out, about the reasons that he was a social outcast due to society's distorted perception of physical attractiveness. And due to the unfair nature of societal perceptions, he was without any prospects for a meaningful relationship.

My next question was also quite blunt. I asked him if he was abused as child. He seemed pretty shocked by the question. He was quiet for a bit, but eventually he spoke up to say that he was physically and emotionally abused by his mother. The reason I asked him this was because I suspected that somewhere in his life experience, something may have happened to him that made him question his worthiness as a person. Something that tore his self-confidence apart and had him question his value in the world to other people.

I tried to be as open minded as possible and evenhanded while talking to him. I didn't want to sound as if I was trying to figure him out or be judgmental. But I told him that it was my belief that if we have the authentic desire for something in our lives, we go after it without making excuses about why we cannot achieve it. I asked him to consider the possibility that perhaps, deep down, maybe beyond his awareness, he really did not have the desire for a relationship. Or, that his fear that he was not worthy of another person's affections actually outweighed his desire for a relationship.

People that are abused, or made to feel somehow less than worthy as children, have the tendency to form a particular belief about themselves that is carried with them into adulthood. I suspected that this fear of exposing himself by getting close to another person, and possibly being rejected (as his mother rejected him through the abuse) was so strong within him that he prevented himself from meeting the kind of person with whom he could form a romantic bond. But, in order to conceal his fear, he projected his fear outside of himself by looking for reasons that society was to blame.

This is the insidious nature of fear. It lies hidden in many forms of projection by people unaware that their fear is controlling them. However, this is easily recognized. If you are looking outside of yourself to find reasons why something is not going right in your life by blaming or concocting stories to confirm a belief, consider that the real answer could lie within you.

When I asked this guy to consider the idea of his own feeling of worthiness, he paused for another moment and said, "I am afraid that I have become transparent and am really uncomfortable right now talking about this. Let's change the subject."

Now, I really could never be certain if my assumptions about anybody else are true. But, his response definitely made me suspicious. He had the classic signs of fear denial. Fear denial often takes the form of blame. Blaming an outside force for whatever situation that you find undesirable in your life. I found that when I looked at my life from an internal perspective rather than an external perspective, I could see that I was concealing some kind of fear. A fear that could easily be dispelled if I acknowledged it and recognized it's influence.

Email from my grandmother

2011-12-10T21:18:00.000-08:00

She said:

"our whole life can't be wrapped up in your passion. thats like being
on an eternal ego trip. and who wants to be around a person who is
egotistical. that kind of person to me is like a homeless person.
INVISIBLE. we walk by them as if we can't see them.you can't forget
who you are to yourself and you can't forget who you are to your
friends and family. a loner is never happy. we all need love and touch
and we need to give the same"

This letter from my grandmother really penetrates into the very origin of fear.
It also makes me realize that I have to do a bit more explaining so that this is clearer to everyone.

The point that I was attempting to make was illustrated using the idea of a mother losing her "self" in motherhood and therefore transcending fear. Just like my grandmother stated her experience was when she had her first child.

The origin of fear actually lies in the identification of you as a separate self from the outside world. To make it more clear, it is the lack of trust in a larger force, higher power, or whatever you want to call it. It really doesn't matter what name you give it. But the fact is, it is the lack of trust in the flow of life; it is when we try to separate ourselves by thinking that we are apart from what we sense is the outside world we perceive. This separation engenders the fear in which we find ourselves immersed.

For me, this process has been leading me to a place where I could swim out of this whole sewer system of fear (a process that is not yet complete, mind you). This requires losing yourself in the particular thing that brings you joy. When you are no longer concerned about yourself, fear starts receding in your life. This is where I am going. So, to me, it is the very opposite of egotistical. I spent my entire life wrapped up in myself. Always concerned about my self-image. Thinking that I had to prove myself somehow worthy to the outside world. I am not really sure what she means by the homeless person, but I am not necessarily shunning the idea of friends and family and touch. But I am forgetting who I am to myself, because that is what is slowly fading away.

If you desire release from fear in your life, you have to start accepting that you are part of a larger life force. It is very simple to recognize when you are not "going with the flow." When you are worried about something, this is a clear sign that you are not trusting this larger force. When you are stressed about something, you are resisting the natural force that is guiding you. Life isn't meant to be resisted. Stop yourself and realize this every time you are experiencing these negative feelings and know that the cause of it can always be found in the fact that you are not allowing life to be as it is. Relaxing into things, enjoying, accepting…these are the feelings that will tell you that you are heading in the right direction. You have to make the conscious effort to notice this in your life because it is so habitual for most people to think these are normal feelings. They are NOT normal feelings. Just because they happen and everybody experiences them does not make them something that we cannot go beyond. QUESTION THIS BELIEF! We have to become aware of it so we can start the process of breaking the pattern of fear that is literally poisoning the world on a larger and larger scale. It starts with us. This is what Gandhi truly meant when he said that, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

I know some of you may be skeptical of the idea of the "larger life force." But the only reason is that we don't take the time to notice it. We fill our lives with so many distractions (tv, stress, shopping, drugs, etc.) that it evades our perception. One of my challenges in this journey is to somehow bust through this wall of skepticism. So many spiritual writers and thinkers always take the easy way out by saying that you must experience it for yourself. But how in the world will many people even make the effort to attempt it without some compelling evidence? I feel like I was lucky because of my natural curiosity and experiences that led me to this. But what kind of information can I convey to make people begin to try? Anyway, I welcome your suggestions and criticisms!

From Selfish to Selfless

2011-12-08T19:07:00.000-08:00

I mentioned in the posting titled 'Jed McKenna' that there were some of his concepts that I didn't quite get until I actually stepped foot out into the wide open world and into this new life.

The process before coming out here was selfish in the extreme. It actually opened me up to a whole new world of selfishness that I suppressed for a long time. I was a vegetarian for 12 years because I was so worried about hurting animals and felt enormous guilt for so long. In fact, guilt was my particular brand of fear that I subscribed to in many ways. Well, the vegetarian thing completely dropped away and other interesting things opened up for me.

But they were all very selfish and self-indulgent. And, as you know, this whole process culminated in the supremely selfish act of just dropping everything and leaving a mess behind. This is the part that never made sense to me when it came to Jed. He emphasized this idea that you have to dedicate yourself to something bigger than you in order for the universe to open up to you. Everything else was working, but I couldn't figure out how to fit the 'selfless' thing into the whole picture.

I had been thinking about this a bit and an email from my grandmother in response to the bus incident made me realize that it was time to talk about this important part. She read the bus story and explained to me that she lived her whole childhood "encased in fear." She goes on further to explain that when she became a mother that she "put fear on the back burner and never looked back."

When I read this, I was like wow. This is so true! Many woman describe motherhood in this way. You forget about yourself and are now dedicated to something bigger than you. This clears away the fog of fear like the sun piercing thru the clouds. It allows true love to enter and you step into a whole new life.

And this is the experience I had after being found in the shopping center that day in San Francisco. I came to realize that my life was really no longer my own anymore. Just like a mother does when she now has a child to care for. That is what this blog is now for me. It's like a child. I no longer feel self-indulgent and have dedicated myself to something much bigger than stupid old, boring, tired, me. My life now belongs to the world. Whatever messages that come thru clearly that may be of help to you guys is what matters to me. It's like daily I experience less and less self-interest since I started. I am obsessed with the 3 W's now. Watching, waiting, and writing. And to my friend's that know me…keep your fingers crossed that it is more than just a "Rocky-Phase" because never before has something felt more real and more important.

So here is the message: you have to figure out what that thing is that is bigger than you that you can lose yourself in. That is where you can find your happiness…"following your bliss" like Joseph Campbell says isn't about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. You will discover that true bliss comes from giving up yourself in something that drives you to forget who the hell you are. Who the hell you are is what is stopping you dead in your tracks.

Please comment, ask questions. This is what I am living for you guys. I want to be as helpful as possible and I can do that if you challenge me. Don't be nice and fluffy. Tell me that my ideas suck and why you disagree.

OREGON AT LAST!

2011-12-08T17:19:00.000-08:00

I made it from California to Oregon. This is a state that has fascinated me for a long time. Mainly because of it's natural beauty and because of the city of Portland which I have been dreaming about visiting for a long time.

I met my good friend out here who was here visiting his brother. We had a blast today walking on the Salmon River Trail. Here are some pics. Isn't that tree humongous??

Greythoven's 5th

2011-12-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

So, my grandmother has been reading my blog and she asked me, "why are you so obsessed with death?"

If I have given that impression, I apologize. I would say that I am more obsessed with fear. Fear because I have recognized its overwhelming influence in our lives. And so far, I have been inspired to talk about it and expose it for the limiting effects it has in an individual's life and larger society.

So anyway, I left California and came here to Oregon. I decided to take the Greyhound bus since it was cheaper than an airline ticket. What I have realized is that when you do this kinda thing that I am doing you become more aware of what's going on around you. I'm realizing that my life isn't my life anymore. I know that I have a specific thing to do and I am living for it rather than whatever the hell I was doing before.

So, my job now is to pay attention and look deeper into situations and see how they play a roll in what I am going to write about. Well, I got a ringside seat to a whole fear-symphony on the Greyhound trip. It highlighted so many important factors about the nature of fear, that I knew I had to write about it here.

First of all, if you have never taken a Greyhound bus, you have to understand that it attracts the dregs of society (wait, am I one of those now?). This bus was pretty packed. I was one of the first on the bus so I saw a lot of people going by. I noticed this one kinda twitchy guy get on. He was not paying attention to much and swung and hit a Hispanic lady with his bags. He was in his own world and looked a little freaked out.

Fast forward to about 4 hours into the ride. I actually fell asleep and awoke to a bunch of screaming and the bus violently pulling over. Apparently, this twitchy guy (who was white) got into a fight with another passenger. Mr. Twitchy felt the need to announce that it was a "black guy" who was hitting him. I don't know why but white people are so very scared of black people. A lot of yelling and commotion ensued and the bus driver came out and took full authority and started yelling back to tell them to stop. It calmed down and Mr. Twitchy had to move. Guess who had an empty seat next to him? Yep! I was like, ok universe, you have my attention.

So, the bus continues a short way and for some reason the bus driver decided to pull over at a truck stop area. He made an announcement that we were stopping briefly and nobody was to get off the bus while he handled his business. The black, formerly fighting passenger, decided that he needed to get off to have a cigarette. His nerves were probably heightened and somehow smokers find smoking to have a calming affect. Well, the bus driver was having none of it. He and the black guy got into a very heated argument about letting him off the bus and it went on for several minutes.

Fear is sometimes disguised as bravery. And I think that this is what was happening with the bus driver. He had his authoritarian role to play and he was not backing down. His fear involved losing control. In my mind I was like just let the guy off and smoke his cigarette and calm down. Instead, the bus driver went to the extreme measure of physically blocking the guy so he couldn't get off. They were both yelling loudly, passengers were getting more and more excited and babies were crying.

Finally the guy pushed through the bus driver and got off the bus. Police were called. In the meantime, Mr. Twitchy was talking to me about how the black guy was mad at him because he kept wiggling in his seat and wouldn't calm down. This unnerved the black guy and apparently caused the original fight. Fear was very strong in Mr. Twitchy. He wore it on his sleeve and caused all sorts of problems and was what began this whole scene. Keep in mind we are at the beginning of the Cascade mountains, and here I am a witness to the cascading effects that fear causes. Coincidence? You tell me.

So now while the police are being called, someone yells, "Call an ambulance!" Another passenger was in the midst of a seizure. So now everybody is getting off the bus while some were staying close to the seizure victim. I was determined to stay in my seat and take notes…this was too rich! Was fear the cause of this guy going into a seizure at the height of panic on the bus? It's my assumption that fear-induced stress is a HUGE factor in all kinds of physical ailments. While I am taking my notes, another passenger runs off the bus and I can hear him puking right outside. Why was he puking? Ok, you get the idea now.

So the police came and Mr. Twitchy gets off to go talk to the police. Paramedics arrive to take away the seizing dude. And here I am at a truck stop in Redding, CA listening to this fear symphony. Music to my ears.

To my surprise Mr. Twitchy ends up not getting back on (his nerves probably just couldn't take it). And more to my surprise, the bus driver and the black guy worked it out and the black guy DOES get back on the bus. And we are off again into the cold night.

So, another hour goes by and we arrive at our next stop. This was a bus station in some small very northern Californian town and the driver announces that we can have a bathroom break. This was the driver's last stop and he was handing it off to the next driver. The driver gets off the bus and has a conversation that I can hear with the new driver and the black guy. The old driver explains the situation to the new driver. The new driver tells that black guy that she will have absolutely no shenanigans and the black guy is expressing to her his victimhood in the whole matter. While the black guy and the new driver are having their conversation, the old driver comes back on to get his things. And here is where the symphony reaches its crescendo. He says (verbatim here cuz I'm still taking notes), "I hate drama, but some people insist on having it!"

And here it is folks, the good ol' D&P. Denial and perpetuation. The bus driver was as much to blame here as anybody was. Are bus drivers trained to physically restrain people from getting off the bus? The people on the bus would have all heaved a sigh of relief to have this loose cannon get off and calm down. It was clear that the bus driver was going beyond his duty out of fear and the fear swelled up even further and at least 2 people were physically affected. And now here was the bus driver completely oblivious to the role he played. This denial is what perpetuates the symptoms of fear in our lives. We need awareness and it has to start on the individual level. Look. Listen. Dig it out. It stops when we shine a light on it.

Jed McKenna

2011-12-07T21:18:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the thought provoking response again, Jonathan. I definitely want to make it clear that most everything that I have said really is not an original idea. The things I am talking about have been issues that were introduced to me, and then self-verified. The other disclaimer here is that all I know for sure is that they have been true for me in my life and I can only assume that they would be relevant to some other people. That's kind of the idea- to get these thoughts out and share with people what has and hasn't worked for me.

As far as talking about Jed McKenna - Well, I have made a conscious decision to not mention him yet and I don't really know if mentioning much about him is helpful now. I would definitely consider his books the most influential of any of the spiritually-minded things I have read. What's interesting tho, is that he is very critical of spirituality in general and had me questioning a lot of unexamined beliefs.

He is anonymous and the material is presented in a fictional and non-fictional format and it's hard to determine whether or not the events are imagined or real. Among all of the spiritual material I have been exposed to, his was most applicable to me and most self-verifiable. And things that he mentions in his books that I didn't understand, this journey has already helped me figure out. I'll probably talk more about those things soon.

He made me realize that you have to go and figure things out for yourself. And that the idea of this type of process is to move beyond the person that has taught you the most. And this point is funny because I got an email recently from a friend who told me that I should remember the old spiritual saying, “If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him!”

Basically you have to do something new, bring something new to the world and/or present it in a way that will be applicable to people who otherwise may not have been able to access this sort of stuff before. That's what my whole reason for this thing is. I gave up my life to do this, I now realize. My original intent was just to get out of a suffocating situation, and now this has opened up to me and given me a purpose. A purpose that continues to unfold…like on the Greyhound bus last night...Stay tuned!

Melancholia

2011-12-06T16:25:00.000-08:00

A great movie. If you want to see what it means to be depressed, Lars Von Trier will show you. Kirsten Dunst gives a great performance. I can't say that I have a lot of experience with depression. I am pretty sure that as a teenager I went through a bout, but I came out the better for it. I studied psychology in college and a lot of emphasis is put on the condition. What makes it relevant to me is that it is such a common thing in society today.

Really?

I am not making a blanket assumption here, but I think that a big percentage of the people who have or are suffering depression are people that know too much. This is the point that I think Lars is making in his movie. The main character tries to fight it but as I can attest, you can't push things down for too long before they bubble over and cause some major problems. Medication is the common answer. Take some happy pills and you can manage it. But I don't think that a depressed person on medication is "happy." I think it just keeps them treading water for a while or maybe a lifetime.

If you are depressed there isn't anything wrong with you. Yeah maybe there is a chemical imbalance, but what came first? Your sadness or this so-called imbalance? The fact is, if you are depressed, you are actually more honest about life than 99% of the people who claim not to be depressed. What the hell am I talking about and why am I being all dreary again? Well the point to my dreariness always has a silver lining. If you are depressed, get more depressed. Get even realer. Write down all the things that are making you depressed and look at them frankly. Then ask yourself why. The big thing in our society is the "SHOULDS."

How much of your depression is related to the things that you think you "should" be having, doing, or thinking? "SHOULDS" are just another name for fear. Fear of what exactly? I don't know, but you do. You just have to keep asking. How much of your life are you living for you and how much are you living based on the outside world's perception of you?

I don't mean to be lumping all people suffering from this illness into the same category, but I am fairly certain that many people can help themselves by looking fear in the face and exposing how prevalent it is your life. Then take a hard look at the things you are grateful for. From the vantage point of a depressed person, it is hard to do. But there is always something. Having a nice bed to sleep on, getting a phone call from a friend who cares, watching kitten videos on YouTube. Start stock piling your gratitudes and slowly but surely you will start to see the other truth about life. You will start to see how amazing it is and noticing the details that makes everything a miracle. Life is crazy beautiful my friends and it is brief. Love each other and take responsibility for your happiness. Forget about what other people think just for a minute and you see through your own eyes how much there is to appreciate.

From frazzled to dazzled

2011-12-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the response Jonathan. I was kinda frazzled last night and your message frazzled me even more. But I gave it time and realized that being frazzled in this way is what I need. I approached this from every angle in my mind before doing this and to have it examined by other people is good. If there are any doubts that I can't satisfy for myself then I made the wrong decision. And your message gave me some doubts and that was a sign that you really thought this out and called me out on the carpet like I should be, so thank you. Being a little frazzled last night and then reading this message that frazzled me more gave me a clear signal that waiting patiently, sleeping on it is always the best strategy. I woke up today clear headed with clear responses to Jonathan's questions. At first I thought that explaining all this would be too much. Just give it up, I can't worry about whether or not people see this from my point of view. But that's not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to describe my process and let the world decide whether or not it is relevant in their lives. Jonathan's comments are starred and my responses follow:

**I think that the "very specific event" that made you change your mind about disappearing completely does matter--It's a key plot to your story here. **

Beginning this process required that I trust a life force bigger than me. Trusting is a key component to this. This means that I have to wait and watch and make decisions based on what feels right rather than making a choice reactively out of fear. My initial decision was that at some point I would disappear from society. Leave everyone. Why? I no longer wanted to spend any energy on maintaining a self image. Contemplating fear and death for me was an isolating process. Towards the end of my days in Pittsburgh, I isolated myself because I no longer had the energy to give to worrying about how to interact with people. How to be the cute and darling little Rocky that I spent my whole life pretending to be. It was fake and that Rocky had to die. It's the whole adage about dying to the flesh to be born of spirit or lose yourself to find yourself. Little did I know how real that is. Watch the new Lady Gaga video for "Marry the Night" she is expressing this idea in an amazing way.

Part of the trusting in this process is accepting the fact that you don't really know anything. The program of fear is so ingrained that it practically animates your body and vocal chords and mind. So I know better than to ignore specific events as clear messages that perhaps I need to consider a different approach. Right now at this moment I have no approach unless one comes to me spontaneously and without the fog of fear clouding my judgment.

Another factor for me was that I developed no tolerance for any kind of arguing with my partner. It came to a point where I found myself arguing and I immediately had to leave. I thought "this is it, this must be my moment." And I left. Arguing never helps any situation. Walk away...sleep on it...breathe..and then resume resolving a situation. So I left and walked for a short distance and got myself intentionally lost in a shopping center. I sat on a bench and my mind was reeling. It got super real for me in that moment. Yes, I had been contemplating doing something for a while. I just didn't know the how, when, or where. I thought it could be California and prepared myself for the possibility. So when this happened, I waited on the bench to see what came next. What came next was that my partner found me. Now it seems reasonable that he would but he wasn't even looking for me. He was assuming that I was going to come back to the hotel, but I knew that I was never going back. But then there he was and I remembered that I don't know anything - I watch and wait. It seemed so unlikely that he would find me (and it was because he was going to the store to find an item that I was supposed to bring on the trip!) I know for certain that if he hadn't found me, this blog wouldn't exist and Rocky as people knew him would not exist. And this incident busted this whole journey wide open for me. I had no purpose before, but as soon as I accepted his finding me (and the story of how we originally met is even more interesting). I knew that I was shutting out a major part of this process...including the people that I did genuinely care about..this journey became about them and the larger world. So as I assumed, Rocky did die, but something way bigger was born. And the idea of selflessness pierced my heart. And recognizing the importance of the people who I have cared about along the way is the gasoline that keeps an otherwise empty tank full.

***The original question was "Why was it important to leave without saying goodbye? Isn't that a cowardly thing to do? (Fear as you say) Or did you REALLY have NO idea that you were leaving when you got out there?" You answer the part about having an "inkling" about leaving, but don't really say why you did it the way you did. Why in the world did you feel the need to disappear completely? I don't understand this in comparison to your relationship with death at all. People who are dying still say goodbye.****

To really understand you this, you have to do the journey yourself. What I did was poison the life I knew with the elixir of honesty. I looked hard and frankly at my life. I found fear as this disgusting slime that was making my whole life in Pittsburgh toxic. I knew I had to get out before something bad happened. I need to make it clear that this is NOT about being brave. Some people have said that oh what a brave thing you are doing. But no...I have no illusions here. What I did was leave a room that was clouded with carbon monoxide. Is it brave to do that? You have 2 choices...go or perish. Jonathan says that not saying goodbye was a cowardly thing to do. Maybe so. But I was an empty shell...I ripped my whole life apart from the inside. Why say goodbye? If you are trying to disappear you don't broadcast it...you just go. Slip away into the void. When I was found in that shopping center during our Thanksgiving Holiday...guess who was the most thankful dude in the world?

****Also, the top line of your blog description ends with "I wanted to see if it works." If the "it" is dropping your life, how do you know if "it" works? What's the gauge or the desired outcome it is judged to be functional by? Or then what is the IT of the 'if it works?****

I don't know, Jonathan. Come with me and find out!!!

Death

2011-12-05T17:14:00.001-08:00

This is a post that has been brewing up for a while and Jonny's question seems to make an appropriate time to bring it up.

Why was I so compelled? How could I do something so heartless? Act like a happy asshole?

Well the short answer is death. During the last probably 6 months the idea of death consumed me. The realization that I was living in a dream world. Living as if I had some idea that I would just keep living for many years to come. The fact is that nobody knows when the scythe will come down. It happens in every imaginable way. Rather than facing this very real fact of life I spent my life distracting myself from this reality. Watching mindless TV, reading spiritual books that dance around this fact, working in a job that I wasn't satisfying.

I don't know if everyone could be as lucky as me to have this relationship with death. That's right, the luckiest guy in the world. Maybe it was more real for me because of my experiences. Not many people know, but I was pretty sick for a very long time. Since I was a teenager, I experienced a very odd sort of condition. I won't get into the sordid details of it, but I had some really scary symptoms. Doctors gave me medication and tests and never found out nor solved my problem. The symptoms were so scary that I really thought I had something majorly wrong with me. Death was always knocking, but I was always WAY too scared to really give it the attention that it deserved.

So maybe that is why this pull was stronger in me, but I suspect anybody..sick or well, happy or sad could develop an honest relationship with death and be as lucky as me. Lucky because when you take an honest look at your mortality LIFE becomes stronger. Colors are brighter, joy is more available because you know that you are no longer taking life for granted.

Jonny asks why did I do it the way I did. Why didn't I say goodbye and more interestingly why am I saying now that the support of my friends means so much to me? Great question Jonny! Keep them coming and I encourage everybody to ask me the tough questions…I need them.

Ok, so yes I did have an inkling that this would all happen. I wasn't sure until I got here, but my original idea was that I would have to disappear completely. Just like I actually did die. Leave without a trace. However, a very specific event happened in San Francisco that made me realize that this wasn't necessary. If you think this whole thing sounds selfish now, consider my original idea of just vanishing. What an asshole. I can relate the event if you are interested at some point, but for right now it doesn't matter. What does matter is that this event busted the whole thing wide open for me and is actually what led to me doing this blog. And also led me to a deeper appreciation of my friends and loved ones and I am so thankful for that. Talk about GRATITUDE.

If I left anything unanswered, please ask.

Dirty Laundry

2011-12-05T16:48:00.001-08:00

Ok. So I guess it's time to air my dirty laundry. Part of this process is to ask other people to be completely honest about their life. That is the way that you can really get the bottom of things and make some real changes in your life.

So here goes: I was in a relationship for 9 years. Truthfully the best 9 years of my life. With a partner that treated me better than anyone has ever treated me (well maybe a tie with my amazing grandmother). In fact, in our circle of friends, we were the only couple that had some kind of stability and compatibility that lasted.

For a big chunk of our relationship I was undergoing this whole "spiritual" journey. I put that in quotations because the term spirituality has a lot of baggage and assumptions about it. More than spirituality I was on a mad hunt to discover the best way to live my life.

So to spare you the boring details about that (some details will definitely be revealed in later posts) I will move up to the culminating event that began this whole thing.

I knew that I could no longer go on living the same life that I was living. The weird part here is that it was a damn good life. I mean the irony here is that I wasn't leaving some miserable situation. I think that this highlights the power of the process I underwent. It actually compelled me to leave a good life behind.

So, like I said I was with my partner for 9 years. We had a rental house together and 4 really awesome cats. This thing was brewing up inside me and I really didn't express or communicate this to him. We had a vacation planned to go to California during the Thanksgiving holiday. I thought that this might be it and I kinda made half assed arrangements (a big one was quitting my job) that I would stay in CA rather than go back with him to Pittsburgh. He knew nothing. I really wasn't sure that I would actually stay, but there were some interesting signs that said I was on the right path.

So, we had a wonderful trip and visited some of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. I broke the news halfway thru the trip that I probably was going to stay. Of course he wasn't thrilled but he handled it like a real trooper. If I questioned before that he cared about me, it was no longer a question.

It was tough on me, but especially him. That's really hard to see when somebody that has treated you so well is hurting. I would never ever wanted to hurt him. So I stayed. Left him with the house (with rent due) and the cats. Just like that. I can't emphasize enough the fact that this pull in me was super strong. Nobody would actually understand it unless you felt the same way I felt.

The only thing I can do at this point is do my best to make it up to him somehow. If this thing works out, I will. I am counting on it. I said at the beginning of this blog that I wasn't a nice guy. Nice people don't do what I did. They would have made better plans, worked it out so that the impact on other people was minimized. I didn't do that. I think that my reasons will become clearer as the blog goes on. That's the point. This is a process and if you come along for the ride you will learn as I learn. That's all I can ask.

Photos for Becky

2011-12-05T09:54:00.000-08:00

My friend, Becky, who advised me to stay at the lighthouse hostel asked for some photos. It is a really pretty place and she should definitely come check it out someday. Also, she and her husband are doing some really cool things with hover doo dads and you should check it out. Would make some cool Xmas gifts! Hoverthings

Fear vs. Gratitude

2011-12-05T08:22:00.000-08:00

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice. - Meister Eckhart

We live in a big bathtub of fear. Fear is what animates our lives and it is so ingrained that we don't even realize it. But all it takes is that we look closely at our own life to see how true this is. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. If you are honest, you will ultimately get to the root of the matter and it's always the same thing...fear.

Why do you have an alarm clock to wake you up in the morning? (perhaps because you are afraid to oversleep and be late to work) Why do you go to work? (perhaps because you are afraid if you don't your life will collapse..no money..no food, etc.). Why do you brush your teeth 2-3 times per day? And the list goes on. The only way that you could refute this is if you are doing something that you absolutely enjoy and couldn't think of something better to do.

This all sounds kind of pessimistic, but fear is some pretty interesting stuff if you take a good look at it. It runs the world. But it also can't sustain us anymore. We all are slowly waking up to the fact that the way the world is run at present cannot continue forever. Maybe it can't even continue for another decade..or less. There is some pretty scary stuff out there all about how the world is headed on a crash course for something. I can't pretend to know what, but it looks like it will be a lot worse than what we have now.

So here is my 2-bit notion to save the world. We need a new way to run our lives. A completely new substrate from which we can continue to grow and lead more satisfying lives. I think that the new replacement for fear is to live our lives based on gratitude. Now, this isn't my novel idea. A lot of thinkers promote the idea and I know from personal experience that being conscious of your own gratitude can really make magical things happen. But so far, not many of the people that I have heard talk about gratitude (with 1 or 2 exceptions) really are promoting it the way it could or should be. Gratitude as fear replacement.

A lot of people have heard or dabbled in the idea of law of attraction. Well what I am talking about here is kinda different. If you have read about or tried to use the so called law of attraction you might find that you end up kind of cold. Like maybe some things happen and it's kinda cool but nothing that brings about the kind of change that you really wished it could. The book "The Secret" was a huge phenomena. But guess what? Most of those people who read and applied the concepts aren't living in mansions, appearing in blockbuster movies, or walking around as bikini models.

The thing about this is that people aren't aware of how much fear runs their lives and makes choices for them. I can use "the secret" to help find me the relationship of my dreams. But wait...did you really ask yourself why you want a dream relationship? Did you really look at your reasons? If you find that kernel of fear at the bottom (fear of being alone) then you have already derailed the process for yourself. Did you try to use "the secret" to bring you a million dollars? Look close and see if fear is fueling that desire somehow. I think this point is somewhat emphasized in "The Secret" but I think that it was NOT emphasized enough.

We need a new way to run our lives. That is why I did what I did. I wanted to take a stand against fear. I asked myself what would you do if you weren't afraid? And here I am. Now that doesn't mean that I am not scared!! Cuz believe me, the nights in the Redwoods was some scary shit (which I will talk about soon enough). So here it is world. This is my idea. Gratitude will take you places that fear can't. And if my experiment fails, then I was dead wrong. And I will be the first to admit it.

Psychology, Education, Vision

2011-12-04T20:36:00.000-08:00

So crazy thing number 17 since I got here (hopefully I will get to detail the other coincidences soon) is that I ended up here in this Hostel on the CA Coast with a huge lighthouse. I arrived here accidentally after heading toward the Bay Area to find a hostel. I was continuing north on CA 1 (California One) and I saw a sign that said 'Hostel.' So I turned the car around and decided to check it out. Looked like a nice place so I checked in. Since I had been out of touch for the last 2 days I immediately turned on my computer to check my email. One of my dearest friends in Florida had written me a wonderful message of encouragement with a great quote (Rilke). I had been thinking that I was going to finally write her and here is this message with a P.S. saying by the way go stay in this hostel on the coast with the lighthouse! So needless to say, I responded feverishly to tell her I am writing her from that very hostel.

I met 2 very interesting people here at the lighthouse place. I am rooming with a guy that left his life in Canada to bicycle all the way to Tierra del Fuego in South America...and he's writing a blog about his journey! So I am excited to have met my first blog buddy. Check him out Bike Dude

I met another lady here who is very bright and well versed in spiritual topics. She encouraged me to consider my life of studying psychology, education, and visual impairment and see how that has led me to where I am now. I think it was pretty good advice. The psychology thing definitely comes into play because I have deconstructed my whole psyche trying to figure things out. The education part is relevant because I still have the passion for teaching somehow. It obviously wasn't in the world of public school special education, but related to this journey and what lessons can be shared. And the visual impairment part ( I was a teacher of the visually impaired up until quite recently) comes in because I really feel there is a visual impairment going on in people's lives today. Everyone really feels strongly compelled to keep looking outward for solutions or ideas to finding a better life. I maintain that it is the looking within that will make all of the difference. And that is what I am trying to bring out of this experience. I am learning as I go too. It is crazy the inspiration that I have found and the ideas that have flooded to me since I started less than a week ago. Stay tuned, there is A LOT more to come. I wanted to write more tonight but I got caught up with this cool peeps down here at the lighthouse and now I am sleepy...

...Til tomorrow

Update on Activities

2011-12-04T17:19:00.000-08:00

Okay, so just a short note about what I have been up to the last 2 days. I went to a campground in Big Sur, CA. It was pretty amazing. The campground was pretty much covered in Redwoods. The weather was nice. Just a little chilly at night. And I felt it the most when I was trying to get dressed and the shower in wide open shelter wouldn't turn off. So I am standing there, barely clothed, and trying to dry off, keep my stuff from getting drenched, and get some clothes on because I am freezing! It was funny and crazy all at the same time.

So I stayed in the campground for 2 nights. I went for a hike at a place called Andrew Molera State Park and got some cool photos and saw California Condors, Monarch Butterflies, Surfers, and a crazy Praying Mantis hanging out on the cliffs. Hoped to see some whales and some sea otters, but no such luck yet.

This morning I took a drive south on CA 1 and went to the Elephant Seal Rookery which was really cool! Then I went passed the Hearst Castle. I only saw it from a distance, but it looked pretty cool. I also visited The Henry Miller Memorial Library. It was a neat place. I guess Henry lived in Big Sur for a bit. Really neat place with a huge Maine Coon cat and free coffee and hot tea.

OK. So that is my basic list of stuff that I did. Next post I will be waxing philosophical. I really hope that I am sharing things that will resonate with you guys. If you have any questions of anything else you want me to share let me know!!

Photos: Big Sur and Pinnipeds!

2011-12-04T17:01:00.000-08:00

Mission: Solitary Confinement in Big Sur

2011-12-02T10:02:00.000-08:00

First of thanks to Gearoto and James for the words of support. It really makes a difference to know that people support this thing despite the common perception of it being crazy, irresponsible, etc.

Which leads me to my post now which is to say that I am headed down to Big Sur today to a campground. I need to battle a couple of demons.

The first demon is my loneliness demon which I didn't expect, but nonetheless he has revealed himself to me and I must go have a heart to heart with him.

The other demon is my skeptical demon. He's been hiding in the background for a little while, but I am gonna have to go in and see what he is all about. He's gotten some strength based on a few whisperings of people that either think I am crazy, off the deep end or whatever.

I don't have any illusions that this skeptical demon doesn't exist. But I wouldn't have taken this journey had I not had some experience with some unbelievable things. I am not fooling myself here, guys. I know how preposterous it all seems. I know about the comfort of having a job, friends, family, support system all in place so that you sleep easy at night and not have to worry about the basic necessities of survival. I get it. But that isn't what this is all about. This is about the commitment of one person going out into the world and throwing the support system out the window, just to see if it can be done. I don't know whether it works or not but I am going to find out.

This world is being crushed with the idea that we have to fight and struggle to get by. To fight the forces that are outside of you. Look at the whole Occupy Wallstreet phenomena. People fighting a giant demon on the outside. Blaming a corrupt system. Blaming somebody else for what is wrong with their lives. Well I am SO tired of that. I am not going to fight someone or something outside of me. If that is what life is about, then I forfeit. The responsibility of our lives is our own. I am done looking elsewhere. This is an inside job. I have a glimpse of what is really going on and it starts by looking hard at our own lives.

This journey is about stopping the endless cycle of blame and looking for outside approval. What can one person do to take responsibility for their own life and have it become truly satisfying? That is what I am doing. And the idea of sharing with the world so that other people can go out and do the same thing is what is truly inspiring to me.

So I may be a little quiet on this blog for a day or 2, but I shall return! I may not have access to answer emails or text, but be sure that I am ok and that you will hear from me soon! Love you guys!!! Thanks so much again to all of those people who are wishing me well. It keeps me going.

Henry David Thoreau

2011-12-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I keep dropping all the Thoreau quotes. I thought I would explain that just a bit.

Back in the 1800's Thoreau did his own experiment by going into the woods to really discover what taking responsibility for his own life would bring. For better or worse he was basically fed up with the way society was structured and wanted to do something new. To see if he could find a satisfying life that was based on his own terms.

Was he successful? According to him he was. He said, "If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with success unexpected in common hours."

So this is the gauntlet that I am picking up. Can this be done in modern world? I am not interested in going into the woods like he did, but to see if there is a modern day version of his ideas. So, if I talk a lot about him and keep quoting him, you will know why!

Sans Hotel

2011-12-01T17:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, so friends and family who may see this...don't freak out! I didn't get a hotel room last night. I kinda always wanted to try that...you know just go somewhere and sleep wherever. Well, my wherever was my rental car. A 2011 Ford Focus. Which is actually really nice by the way. Never been one for Fords, but I'm impressed. Even if the automatic transmission seems a little quirky : o

Anyway! I didn't sleep much at night but got some good sleep out on the wharf at the boardwalk in Santa Cruz. It was actually not that bad. And when I got the chance to walk out on the beach it was pretty frickin incredible. The sunrise was beautiful and the gulls all around made quite the postcard scene.

I walked out onto the pier and there were sea lions down below! Now this is exciting for and east coaster who has only ever seen a seal lion in a zoo. I watched them for a while until a dock worker came over and shook a metal tape measure down at them to clear the platform. Those guys freaked out and rushed to jump in the water.

Later on I found a skate park. Keep in mind that this was a Thursday morning about 10-11am. And it was packed with skateboarders! A definite contrast to the park I was at yesterday that was empty. It struck me that skateboarders are really passionate. They had a whole wall with Polaroids of skaters who wrote a message about why they loved to skate. Words like "freedom" "alive" "expression" were all over the place. So despite the fact that any bulldog could skateboard better than me, I felt a certain kinship with those guys (and a few girls). This to me is what it is all about. Being passionate and letting it lead you. A lot of those skateboarders get it. In fact, Tony Hawk was one of the people interviewed in a new movie called, "Finding Joe."

Finding Joe

If you are really interested in getting a glimpse of what the hell I am doing. Watch this movie.

Friends

2011-12-01T17:06:00.000-08:00

I just need to post this for friends who have reached out to give me their support. It means a whole helluva lot. I realize that this kinda path is uncommon and people find it hard to understand. But I am actually doing it for a purpose. I am really hoping to dig deep and find out some things about life that I can share.

I get that this definitely paints me as an asshole for just dropping everything with little to zero notice. But I am learning to be comfortable with this whole asshole thing, you know. It's ok. It's honest if nothing else. It's a messy business and if I kept worrying what people would think (which I basically did my whole life) I would never have built this castle in the air to quote Thoreau.

So thank you friends of the present and the future. You are helping me with my foundation.

"If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them." Henry David Thoreau

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Santa Cruz Photos

2011-12-01T16:43:00.000-08:00

Heaven

2011-11-30T19:29:00.000-08:00

So this deserved a post on its own.

I definitely felt that familiar ache today. That being alone kinda ache. Which is weird for me because I thought I had that whole loneliness thing down, but I guess it needs a lil work.

But! There was a moment today while I was driving in the Los Gatos/ San Jose area with the mountains in the distance, the sky was just the most perfect blue. And surprise, CA has some beautiful fall foliage (I never realized). And the leaves were covering the road and the cars and wind were blowing them about just slightly off the ground. A song from Beach House was playing and the word 'HEAVEN' popped into my head and flashed like a neon sign.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK_IyLEo6o4&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Lazy and Stubborn

2011-11-30T19:16:00.000-08:00

I was thinking today that 2 of my dominant traits are lazy and stubborn. And I'm thinking that they kinda benefitted me in being able to take this thing on. Ok here's why: I just simply don't like to do what I don't like to do. Well that's stating the obvious for anyone. But this is the thing that gnawed on me for years. I knew when something felt right and I would have all the energy in the world to tackle it. But the laziness came in when I just wasn't passionate about something. And the stubbornness came in when I would resist. I just have to do only the thing that I'm passionate about. And doing this and writing about it fits the bill to a tee.

Ok so let's go over my notes from today:
Mission San Jose...this was a beautiful little area. The perfect suburb. Beautiful foothill setting. Gorgeous homes, just perfectly appointed. I was like, "who wouldn't love to live here"
But the thought came in about the cost of this lifestyle. What do this people have to contend with to keep it up? It's nice to think that they all have their ideal job, ideal family, ideal life. But I don't think so. It comes with struggling and creating an ideal that society has established and families promote. Go to school, get good grades, find a good job. I mean who really loves their job? I've honestly never met anybody that I can say this truly about. Nobody! Well, you say, they do it for their family. That sounds all cute and sweet but please tell me where to find this ideal. I want to interview them. I've lived and looked around for 34 years and am yet to find this. But maybe thats what life isn't about you say. We are supposed to struggle and fit in to society and look good for the camera, etc. But that is what I am digging beneath. Is there something else? Well I'll find out and let you know!

Beautiful day, empty park...I found this beautiful park in Los Gatos. Completely empty! I mean there were a few walkers, stroller pushers etc. but no cars in the huge lots! Where were these people? At work and school of course. A gorgeous day and an empty park left unused. I thought, what exactly are we doing? I would like to ask President Obama exactly what in the world is the whole purpose of life in America? What are people doing with their lives? And what for? Working for a better future, working for a family, living the dream...spare me! A dream run by money and looking good in the eyes of other people. That's what we are all doing- working to get money and to have people like and respect us.

Ok I'm long winded..let's get to the good stuff! I came across three different roads named mission today. 3! In fact I am at the Starbucks on Mission St. right now! I guess I'm on a mission.

Imaginary world and death...I came upon a pickup truck with not one but 2 memorial bumper stickers today. One was a 14 year old boy and the other a 6 month old girl. Kinda morbid to mention this, I realize. But it is at the heart of my journey. I realized that a lot of us, including me are playing pretend with death. The fact is that I have absolutely no clue when death will come-a-callin. That's why I had to make fast friends with death and say, ok I know the clock is ticking and I don't want to miss out on something great. And death, my new friend said, "GO."

Wednesday Morning in Stockton

2011-11-30T07:55:00.000-08:00

Stockton apparently has the reputation of being one of the most miserable cities in the country. The housing market collapsed hardcore here and foreclosures were happening at an astonishing rate. I see a town here that is kinda depressed. A downtown area that has been infested with drugs. This crazy hotel that I blindly picked is actually located in the downtown area. I can tell that it is a place for transients who don't have regular jobs and float from place to place. Drug abuse among these people is probably a big issue.

I can clearly see that I am in no way better than these people. Anybody can fall down this kind of trap. Maybe a kinda sucky childhood. Getting involved in the wrong crowd. Trying to go to school when you can't stand anything abut it. Getting a crappy job that pays the bills but the yearning inside to live life is strong. You waste a big chunk of that check just trying to have a good time. Debt piles up. Relationships are strained. And the story continues...

This is what I am trying to figure out. Henry David Thoreau said that he wanted to basically back life into a corner. To "get to the whole genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world, or if it were sublime to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account"

In this modern world is life truly mean? Is it some place where we just get born, get spoofed ideas and customs, construct a life based on our perception of what other people think is good or right, and struggle through life with a few good experiences that keep us going? Is going to school, working a job that is unsatisfying, paying bills, having ups and downs in relationships what this is all about?

I simply can't accept it. Maybe I'm crazy and cocky sonofabitch who needs more. There I said it. I need more than this ridiculous rat race. A life of struggle punctuated by a few moments of bliss isn't good enough for me. I want magic, I want to see this beautiful creation and drink it in completely. I want to wake up everyday because I want to and not because I am expected to. So here goes, can it work? If it doesn't I'm in a whole heap of trouble. But I don't care. Big things are worth big sacrifices. And I can bring my message back to the world and say, "look this can be done. You can end a mediocre life and have an amazing life"

That's my dream. Love it or leave it. I am going to the edge baby. At first all of this seemed a selfish endeavor. But I get chills thinking about what I may be able to do for others. And that is putting some major wind in my sails.

2011-11-29T15:41:00.000-08:00

What was I thinking??

2011-11-29T15:17:00.000-08:00

Before you read this blog, I must warn you. I'm not a nice guy. I mean what kinda guy completely drops his whole entire life? Leaves a good job, a wonderful partner, great friends, and basically a pretty damn good life to start all over again over 2500 miles away from home in a state he has never even been to? Well, that would be me. Bastard! I mean what gives me the right to just drop everything and everyone to go on some hair-brained adventure? The easy answer is that I really didn't choose this. It kinda chose me. But I guess we will get to all of that in due time, if you decide to vicariously take this adventure with me.

Why blogging? Well honestly I have no frickin idea. I mean I don't even have a facebook anymore let alone a blog. When I originally started thinking these crazy thoughts I thought I would have to just drop out of society completely. Lose everyone. But some interesting chain of events transpired that have led me to understand that this story should be told. I mean who knows where it will end up. There should be a record of something so uncommon. At least it can be one person's story of whether this whole crazy experiment even works. What was I thinking??

Well I have barely scratched the surface of this whole ridiculous journey, but I promise much much more! First of all let me just tell you that I am in Stockton, CA. WTF? I mean Stockton of all places?

Yep. Just kinda ended up here as a starting point. I really should reconsider Hotwire for hotels. I mean I got a great price but idk. This place (The Stockton Traveler's Inn) isn't what you would exactly call a upscale place. But at least it smells good inside! And appears to be clean. I don't have a blacklight so God knows what I am not seeing! Just gonna stay here one night. Then I am off. Check out a couple of my pics I have taken,