So this deserved a post on its own.
I definitely felt that familiar ache today. That being alone kinda ache. Which is weird for me because I thought I had that whole loneliness thing down, but I guess it needs a lil work.
But! There was a moment today while I was driving in the Los Gatos/ San Jose area with the mountains in the distance, the sky was just the most perfect blue. And surprise, CA has some beautiful fall foliage (I never realized). And the leaves were covering the road and the cars and wind were blowing them about just slightly off the ground. A song from Beach House was playing and the word 'HEAVEN' popped into my head and flashed like a neon sign.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yK_IyLEo6o4&feature=youtube_gdata_player
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Lazy and Stubborn
I was thinking today that 2 of my dominant traits are lazy and stubborn. And I'm thinking that they kinda benefitted me in being able to take this thing on. Ok here's why: I just simply don't like to do what I don't like to do. Well that's stating the obvious for anyone. But this is the thing that gnawed on me for years. I knew when something felt right and I would have all the energy in the world to tackle it. But the laziness came in when I just wasn't passionate about something. And the stubbornness came in when I would resist. I just have to do only the thing that I'm passionate about. And doing this and writing about it fits the bill to a tee.
Ok so let's go over my notes from today:
Mission San Jose...this was a beautiful little area. The perfect suburb. Beautiful foothill setting. Gorgeous homes, just perfectly appointed. I was like, "who wouldn't love to live here"
But the thought came in about the cost of this lifestyle. What do this people have to contend with to keep it up? It's nice to think that they all have their ideal job, ideal family, ideal life. But I don't think so. It comes with struggling and creating an ideal that society has established and families promote. Go to school, get good grades, find a good job. I mean who really loves their job? I've honestly never met anybody that I can say this truly about. Nobody! Well, you say, they do it for their family. That sounds all cute and sweet but please tell me where to find this ideal. I want to interview them. I've lived and looked around for 34 years and am yet to find this. But maybe thats what life isn't about you say. We are supposed to struggle and fit in to society and look good for the camera, etc. But that is what I am digging beneath. Is there something else? Well I'll find out and let you know!
Beautiful day, empty park...I found this beautiful park in Los Gatos. Completely empty! I mean there were a few walkers, stroller pushers etc. but no cars in the huge lots! Where were these people? At work and school of course. A gorgeous day and an empty park left unused. I thought, what exactly are we doing? I would like to ask President Obama exactly what in the world is the whole purpose of life in America? What are people doing with their lives? And what for? Working for a better future, working for a family, living the dream...spare me! A dream run by money and looking good in the eyes of other people. That's what we are all doing- working to get money and to have people like and respect us.
Ok I'm long winded..let's get to the good stuff! I came across three different roads named mission today. 3! In fact I am at the Starbucks on Mission St. right now! I guess I'm on a mission.
Imaginary world and death...I came upon a pickup truck with not one but 2 memorial bumper stickers today. One was a 14 year old boy and the other a 6 month old girl. Kinda morbid to mention this, I realize. But it is at the heart of my journey. I realized that a lot of us, including me are playing pretend with death. The fact is that I have absolutely no clue when death will come-a-callin. That's why I had to make fast friends with death and say, ok I know the clock is ticking and I don't want to miss out on something great. And death, my new friend said, "GO."
Ok so let's go over my notes from today:
Mission San Jose...this was a beautiful little area. The perfect suburb. Beautiful foothill setting. Gorgeous homes, just perfectly appointed. I was like, "who wouldn't love to live here"
But the thought came in about the cost of this lifestyle. What do this people have to contend with to keep it up? It's nice to think that they all have their ideal job, ideal family, ideal life. But I don't think so. It comes with struggling and creating an ideal that society has established and families promote. Go to school, get good grades, find a good job. I mean who really loves their job? I've honestly never met anybody that I can say this truly about. Nobody! Well, you say, they do it for their family. That sounds all cute and sweet but please tell me where to find this ideal. I want to interview them. I've lived and looked around for 34 years and am yet to find this. But maybe thats what life isn't about you say. We are supposed to struggle and fit in to society and look good for the camera, etc. But that is what I am digging beneath. Is there something else? Well I'll find out and let you know!
Beautiful day, empty park...I found this beautiful park in Los Gatos. Completely empty! I mean there were a few walkers, stroller pushers etc. but no cars in the huge lots! Where were these people? At work and school of course. A gorgeous day and an empty park left unused. I thought, what exactly are we doing? I would like to ask President Obama exactly what in the world is the whole purpose of life in America? What are people doing with their lives? And what for? Working for a better future, working for a family, living the dream...spare me! A dream run by money and looking good in the eyes of other people. That's what we are all doing- working to get money and to have people like and respect us.
Ok I'm long winded..let's get to the good stuff! I came across three different roads named mission today. 3! In fact I am at the Starbucks on Mission St. right now! I guess I'm on a mission.
Imaginary world and death...I came upon a pickup truck with not one but 2 memorial bumper stickers today. One was a 14 year old boy and the other a 6 month old girl. Kinda morbid to mention this, I realize. But it is at the heart of my journey. I realized that a lot of us, including me are playing pretend with death. The fact is that I have absolutely no clue when death will come-a-callin. That's why I had to make fast friends with death and say, ok I know the clock is ticking and I don't want to miss out on something great. And death, my new friend said, "GO."
Wednesday Morning in Stockton
Stockton apparently has the reputation of being one of the most miserable cities in the country. The housing market collapsed hardcore here and foreclosures were happening at an astonishing rate. I see a town here that is kinda depressed. A downtown area that has been infested with drugs. This crazy hotel that I blindly picked is actually located in the downtown area. I can tell that it is a place for transients who don't have regular jobs and float from place to place. Drug abuse among these people is probably a big issue.
I can clearly see that I am in no way better than these people. Anybody can fall down this kind of trap. Maybe a kinda sucky childhood. Getting involved in the wrong crowd. Trying to go to school when you can't stand anything abut it. Getting a crappy job that pays the bills but the yearning inside to live life is strong. You waste a big chunk of that check just trying to have a good time. Debt piles up. Relationships are strained. And the story continues...
This is what I am trying to figure out. Henry David Thoreau said that he wanted to basically back life into a corner. To "get to the whole genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world, or if it were sublime to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account"
In this modern world is life truly mean? Is it some place where we just get born, get spoofed ideas and customs, construct a life based on our perception of what other people think is good or right, and struggle through life with a few good experiences that keep us going? Is going to school, working a job that is unsatisfying, paying bills, having ups and downs in relationships what this is all about?
I simply can't accept it. Maybe I'm crazy and cocky sonofabitch who needs more. There I said it. I need more than this ridiculous rat race. A life of struggle punctuated by a few moments of bliss isn't good enough for me. I want magic, I want to see this beautiful creation and drink it in completely. I want to wake up everyday because I want to and not because I am expected to. So here goes, can it work? If it doesn't I'm in a whole heap of trouble. But I don't care. Big things are worth big sacrifices. And I can bring my message back to the world and say, "look this can be done. You can end a mediocre life and have an amazing life"
That's my dream. Love it or leave it. I am going to the edge baby. At first all of this seemed a selfish endeavor. But I get chills thinking about what I may be able to do for others. And that is putting some major wind in my sails.
I can clearly see that I am in no way better than these people. Anybody can fall down this kind of trap. Maybe a kinda sucky childhood. Getting involved in the wrong crowd. Trying to go to school when you can't stand anything abut it. Getting a crappy job that pays the bills but the yearning inside to live life is strong. You waste a big chunk of that check just trying to have a good time. Debt piles up. Relationships are strained. And the story continues...
This is what I am trying to figure out. Henry David Thoreau said that he wanted to basically back life into a corner. To "get to the whole genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world, or if it were sublime to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account"
In this modern world is life truly mean? Is it some place where we just get born, get spoofed ideas and customs, construct a life based on our perception of what other people think is good or right, and struggle through life with a few good experiences that keep us going? Is going to school, working a job that is unsatisfying, paying bills, having ups and downs in relationships what this is all about?
I simply can't accept it. Maybe I'm crazy and cocky sonofabitch who needs more. There I said it. I need more than this ridiculous rat race. A life of struggle punctuated by a few moments of bliss isn't good enough for me. I want magic, I want to see this beautiful creation and drink it in completely. I want to wake up everyday because I want to and not because I am expected to. So here goes, can it work? If it doesn't I'm in a whole heap of trouble. But I don't care. Big things are worth big sacrifices. And I can bring my message back to the world and say, "look this can be done. You can end a mediocre life and have an amazing life"
That's my dream. Love it or leave it. I am going to the edge baby. At first all of this seemed a selfish endeavor. But I get chills thinking about what I may be able to do for others. And that is putting some major wind in my sails.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
What was I thinking??
Before you read this blog, I must warn you. I'm not a nice guy. I mean what kinda guy completely drops his whole entire life? Leaves a good job, a wonderful partner, great friends, and basically a pretty damn good life to start all over again over 2500 miles away from home in a state he has never even been to? Well, that would be me. Bastard! I mean what gives me the right to just drop everything and everyone to go on some hair-brained adventure? The easy answer is that I really didn't choose this. It kinda chose me. But I guess we will get to all of that in due time, if you decide to vicariously take this adventure with me.
Why blogging? Well honestly I have no frickin idea. I mean I don't even have a facebook anymore let alone a blog. When I originally started thinking these crazy thoughts I thought I would have to just drop out of society completely. Lose everyone. But some interesting chain of events transpired that have led me to understand that this story should be told. I mean who knows where it will end up. There should be a record of something so uncommon. At least it can be one person's story of whether this whole crazy experiment even works. What was I thinking??
Well I have barely scratched the surface of this whole ridiculous journey, but I promise much much more! First of all let me just tell you that I am in Stockton, CA. WTF? I mean Stockton of all places?
Yep. Just kinda ended up here as a starting point. I really should reconsider Hotwire for hotels. I mean I got a great price but idk. This place (The Stockton Traveler's Inn) isn't what you would exactly call a upscale place. But at least it smells good inside! And appears to be clean. I don't have a blacklight so God knows what I am not seeing! Just gonna stay here one night. Then I am off. Check out a couple of my pics I have taken,
Why blogging? Well honestly I have no frickin idea. I mean I don't even have a facebook anymore let alone a blog. When I originally started thinking these crazy thoughts I thought I would have to just drop out of society completely. Lose everyone. But some interesting chain of events transpired that have led me to understand that this story should be told. I mean who knows where it will end up. There should be a record of something so uncommon. At least it can be one person's story of whether this whole crazy experiment even works. What was I thinking??
Well I have barely scratched the surface of this whole ridiculous journey, but I promise much much more! First of all let me just tell you that I am in Stockton, CA. WTF? I mean Stockton of all places?
Yep. Just kinda ended up here as a starting point. I really should reconsider Hotwire for hotels. I mean I got a great price but idk. This place (The Stockton Traveler's Inn) isn't what you would exactly call a upscale place. But at least it smells good inside! And appears to be clean. I don't have a blacklight so God knows what I am not seeing! Just gonna stay here one night. Then I am off. Check out a couple of my pics I have taken,
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