Stockton apparently has the reputation of being one of the most miserable cities in the country. The housing market collapsed hardcore here and foreclosures were happening at an astonishing rate. I see a town here that is kinda depressed. A downtown area that has been infested with drugs. This crazy hotel that I blindly picked is actually located in the downtown area. I can tell that it is a place for transients who don't have regular jobs and float from place to place. Drug abuse among these people is probably a big issue.
I can clearly see that I am in no way better than these people. Anybody can fall down this kind of trap. Maybe a kinda sucky childhood. Getting involved in the wrong crowd. Trying to go to school when you can't stand anything abut it. Getting a crappy job that pays the bills but the yearning inside to live life is strong. You waste a big chunk of that check just trying to have a good time. Debt piles up. Relationships are strained. And the story continues...
This is what I am trying to figure out. Henry David Thoreau said that he wanted to basically back life into a corner. To "get to the whole genuine meanness of it, and publish its meanness to the world, or if it were sublime to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account"
In this modern world is life truly mean? Is it some place where we just get born, get spoofed ideas and customs, construct a life based on our perception of what other people think is good or right, and struggle through life with a few good experiences that keep us going? Is going to school, working a job that is unsatisfying, paying bills, having ups and downs in relationships what this is all about?
I simply can't accept it. Maybe I'm crazy and cocky sonofabitch who needs more. There I said it. I need more than this ridiculous rat race. A life of struggle punctuated by a few moments of bliss isn't good enough for me. I want magic, I want to see this beautiful creation and drink it in completely. I want to wake up everyday because I want to and not because I am expected to. So here goes, can it work? If it doesn't I'm in a whole heap of trouble. But I don't care. Big things are worth big sacrifices. And I can bring my message back to the world and say, "look this can be done. You can end a mediocre life and have an amazing life"
That's my dream. Love it or leave it. I am going to the edge baby. At first all of this seemed a selfish endeavor. But I get chills thinking about what I may be able to do for others. And that is putting some major wind in my sails.
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