Another Damn Blog?

Haha, yep!

But totally different. This blog here is for rambling, the other blog is for...

Well just go and check the thing out!

To Delight Me

My Job

Talking with my good friend last night about free will, I kind of realized that I have been neglecting my job.

My "job" is to maximize my gratitude and continually recognize the beauty of the world.

How is this related to free will? Well, as you may or may not have read in my post, 'A question of will,' I was exploring the age-old concept of free will: whether we actually have any or not. This subject is also closely linked to the subject of 'ego.'  Our ego will go to great lengths to convince us that we have some kind of free will. It will tell us all kinds of things to convince us how other people also have free will. And the door that this swings open is a dangerous one: The door of blame.

Somehow, we have convinced ourselves beyond a shadow of a doubt that other people have free will and so do we. So, therefore, people can and should be blamed and we can and should feel guilt. But take a few minutes to consider all of the implications of this: Isn't this the root of the world's problems? The country's problems? Our inter-personal problems?

Just food for thought here. I don't have any answers. I am making all this shit up (or regurgitating it) as I go along. Don't believe me. Just think. YOU have all the answers that work for you. But you have to open your mind a bit and be willing to consider these heavy duty things. It's the only way change happens. Right? Who the hell knows...

Bottom line is this- I don't know if we do or don't have any free will. It seems to me that we don't. We are a bundle of cells, floating in a soup of our own environment. Reacting to a given set of circumstances in the best way that we can. If we relax into the idea of having no free will, doesn't it seem that we would be doing ourselves and the world some good?

However, if we do have free will, wouldn't it best to use it for the things that would be useful? So, I declare that the best job for me is to pretend that I can exert some free will. But the important part about this is to direct my pretend free will in the direction that I think is the most beneficial to me and the world. My responsibility is to take the initiative to bring in beauty (by being grateful) and recognize the beauty (by being in in awe) of the world.

I think I have a pretty cool job! I just have to make sure that I show up for it  : /

Cool Quote

"The important thing is this: to be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."

~ Charles Frédéric Dubois

JAWS, the sequel

Just when you think it's safe to go back in the water...

Something comes along and makes you realize that you aren't done. There is still more work to do. I found this out through an inner conflict that I was having with somebody.

I realized that I have been lying to myself and to other people about a relationship in my life. I have been saying to myself and other people that this relationship is really good. Yeah, no problems there. Haha, yeah right. I realized I was lying when I had resistance about contacting this person. There was a definite emotional reaction that I felt.

I know better now than to dismiss an emotional reaction in myself. I know that if I have any tendency inside to blame someone else for my feelings, that I am blocking myself from the truth. And that means, there's work to do. For me, that work means writing out thoroughly how I feel about the situation, the person, and myself.

I don't think the details are really important enough to impart, but let me be clear that it isn't anything too dramatic. I wasn't abused or anything like that. But, through the writing process, I came to realize where my emotional reaction came from.

I realized that all of the things that I find distasteful about myself, where actually visible in this person who I felt that tendency to blame. I wanted to blame this person for setting an example that I know now I never wanted to follow. But it is never the other person. Looking back, I can now see how this relationship truly benefitted me BECAUSE it was less than perfect. I realize how this shaped me into being a person that I can now respect and who is finally moving towards a life that I truly desire. And without this person that I am trying to blame, I may not have made it to this place.

If you believe that someone has held you back from living the life that you want, just take the time to write a letter to that person (even if you never send it). Write out exactly how this person made you feel and try your best to look at it from their perspective too. Blame them until you get to the point that you can see that you can't blame them for anything. Or, until you see that it isn't them that was ever holding you back. And you may see, like I did, how this undesirable relationship contributed to making you who you are in good ways. It's a cathartic process that really helps you get unstuck and when you are done, you will feel a helluva lot better.

Inward not Outward

Are you interested in knowing how far along you are in making a real change in your life?

I think that the best way to know this, is by looking at your life and recognizing how much of it you are taking responsibility for.

"Well of course I am taking responsibility for my life," you may say. "I work, I pay my bills, take care of my family..." etc...

But this is NOT the responsibility I am talking about. Are you exactly where you want to be in your life? Are you still plagued by fear and all of its synonyms that I talked about in other posts? Do you get mad, irritated, frustrated, annoyed, upset, worried, sad, at least once a week? Once a month?

If you experience any of these emotions and blame somebody or something in your life, you are not taking responsibility for your life. I know that sounds harsh, maybe even lacking compassion, but it's honest. I am honestly telling you that you are 100% responsible for the way you feel all the time no exceptions. But, I can't explain why to you. Only you can. If you look at all of the things that prevent you from living the life that you want, from being free from the fear that limits you, all you have to do is look. Look and see how you are responsible. Don't contribute to the cycle of blame that exists in the world. Be the change you want to see. I know it is a cliche, but it is a true cliche. Don't worry about what anybody else is doing, you are only distracting yourself. Or looking for more reasons to stand still and not move in the direction that could bring about a more fulfilling life.

So what you have a shitty parent, so what your job sucks, so what the economy is in the shitter, so what there is war going on in the world. None of that is going to stop you from having the life that you want. You are the only one that can stop you. If you don't believe me, try looking at your life closely. Look at the "whys"for everything that you do. Take a bird's eye view of your life and wonder how things are the way they are. What have you got to lose?

I AM

It's funny when you get started thinking about something, things that are associated with it start showing up in the world. Kinda like when you get a new car, you suddenly start noticing that same car everywhere.

Well, just as I was talking about the false notion of 'separation' in yesterday's post, I came across this movie that is saying that our weird idea that we are separate from each other and our world is actually what is wrong with it.

 “It is one light which beams out of a thousand stars. It is one soul which animates all men.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

The guy who made the film also had a great quote at the end, "We started [the film] by asking what's wrong with the world and we ended up discovering what's right with it"

The filmmaker is Tom Shadyac. He made millions of dollars making films like "Ace Ventura" and "Bruce Almighty."  He gave up all of his riches and now lives in a trailer park. Albeit a nice trailer park, but nonetheless!  It's a really cool movie. I was able to watch it on-demand for $8. It's coming out on DVD next month and maybe in some theaters.

Check it out:  I AM

Let's go a lil further

For those of you who may have a scientific bent, check out this link to an interesting YouTube clip. This goes further to explain some of the ideas in my last post, 'Turbulence.'

Neurons

There is a connection here to what I was explaining as the origin of fear: the untrue notion that we are separate from our surroundings and that we imagine to be in control of things which we have no control. It is that apparent lack of control over our environment that gives rise to fear. Fear in all of it's various forms: anger, irritation, frustration, guilt, loneliness, boredom, etc...

What this video explains is that there is an absence of separation at the basic neuronal level that connects us to the environment in which we find ourselves. And it is our lack of self-awareness, of how we are connected to everything that actually prevents us from seeing reality in a truer sense. Fear puts up blinders in our world. We are blinded to our connection to our surroundings and therefore we operate under many false beliefs regarding the nature of everything.  We are under the false assumption that we are separate from the world around us. And this leads to an even more limiting belief that we somehow have to prove ourselves worthy of the life that we live. When, in fact, we are an integral part of everything.

Once we start the process of shedding the fear that we have, reality becomes much more friendly, brighter, and we discover how and why there is so much to appreciate and wonder at in life. It leads to the new operating system that is managed by the emotion of gratitude rather than the emotion of fear.

Turbulence

I recently flew back from Las Vegas to Pittsburgh. It was a pretty long flight...actually took 2 flights to get here.

The thing about flying in an airplane that always freaked me a bit is turbulence. Of course turbulence in an airplane is common, but nonetheless it always gets my heart pumping faster. What causes the tachycardia? You guessed it- Fear.

An interesting thing happened on this flight because something came bubbling into my awareness. Something that I already knew, but this was the first time I played around with it.

There was a good bit of turbulence all along the first flight and I was definitely feeling that familiar sensation of stomach in knots and in my chest..along with the hastening pulse. But suddenly I became conscious of how fear is really nothing more than my attempt to exert control. Control over something that I have no control over. What I am saying is that I became fearful because the illusion of controlling something (the airplane) was breaking down.

This is always what the sensation of fear is caused by: you thinking that you have control over life situations and then the realization that you have no control. Does this make any sense? Okay let's play with this:

Fear is synonymous with lots of different things, but let's pick anger. Think of the last time you were angry with someone. Somehow another person did something that didn't sit well with you (and when I say 'you' I am talking about your 'ego'). Now that emotional sensation is based on the fact that you fooled yourself for awhile that you had control over this person's behavior because for a time they were doing things that either pleased you or to which you were indifferent. Now they have the audacity to do something that shows you that, in fact, you have no control. So you start to feel anger (again, synonymous with fear) and you have realized that your illusion of control has been broken.

Same thing with the airplane turbulence. I was feeling illusory control of the plane up to the point it started bumping around and now my illusion of control has been destroyed and my emotional reaction is evoked.

So what I am trying to say, in a long-winded sort of way is that fear is the silly notion that we have control over our lives. And the negative emotions that occasionally arise are simply when that illusion of control is called into question and the annoying sensation occurs.

So what do we do? Well, it's easier said than done, but very possible: we start to relinquish the notion that we control our lives. We allow acceptance to take over and go with the flow.  This is what some religious people mean when they say things like, "Let Go, Let God." There are lots of different phrases like this that mean the same thing. Give in...surrender...accept what is.

It sounds all very defeatist, but this is actually how you begin to take charge of your life and stop giving fear so much power. Play with it and see for yourself. Think of any type of negative emotion that you have experienced.  Guilt, for instance.  Guilt is also another word for fear. What were you feeling guilty about? Guilt is that feeling that somewhere along the line you lost control over your behavior and this has now led to an emotional reaction. If you did something, accept what happened. If you need to make up for it or apologize, go for it, but for God sakes stop dwelling on it. You are just reinforcing fear. Instead, look at your prized petunias and notice how beautiful they are and how grateful that your eyes get to feast upon them.

Another good one to play with is worry. My God, what is a more wasteful emotion than worry? It seems like you can't help worrying, but you can. Recognize that a situation is beyond your control. Accept your powerlessness. Let the chips fall were they may and wait and see if the outcome actually is what you wanted all along. Find fear's hiding place. And actually you will see that it was never hiding...it's there in plain view. It takes the shape of our negative emotions and when we trace those negative emotions to their source it is always the idea that we have lost control. But the kicker is this: we never had control in the first place!!

Fear Babble

So why do I keep talking so much about fear? If you have read this blog, you will definitely notice that the subject of fear is THE subject that I am looking at closely.

The point is to expose fear as the number one controlling influence in our lives. If I sound like some paranoid schizophrenic, please tell me. But the fact is that if you look closely, you will see that we are literally living in a world ruled by the stuff and the reason to look closely at it is to break it's hold it has over us.

If you want to see a real change happen in your life, it takes looking at all the ways that fear controls you. Once you do this, you start to develop a healthy contempt for it and this is where it begins to break down. If you go back to an older post from Dec. 5th, 2011 called "Fear vs. Gratitude," you will see where I was talking about having fear-based desires vs. what you really want. This is where you can truly start to see what can happen in your life when fear begins to lose its grip and discover what actually does matter to you.

I also referenced a movie earlier on called, "Finding Joe." Joseph Campbell was talking about how people get tired of being a victim in their own life and decide to strive for something greater. Movie

This is what he called, "The Hero's Journey." This is where life can truly begin. Once out of the confinement of fear,  you discover what your life was really meant for. But I have to stress the fact that this isn't about bravery. Sure, it takes a little courage to look at your life honestly and stop fooling yourself. But, the fuel truly comes from the discovery of how fear controls everything in your life. Once you see it, you can catch it and start loosening the chains. Writing about it is the very best way. Simply start asking questions to yourself on paper. Why do I do the things that I do? Why do I care what people think of me? Why do I wake up in the morning? Why do I believe in God? Why don't I believe in God?

Whatever works for you. Everyone has their own questions and there isn't any right or wrong way to look at your life. And if my statements seem exaggerated or paranoid, tell me. I love to hear what you guys think about this stuff. Challenge me. Challenge yourself. This is about changing the world one person at a time and discovering how amazing life can be.

The coolest thing I've ever seen

The Grand Canyon:

Failed Trip to Grand Canyon

The King of Fears

No, I'm not talking about Budweiser.
I am talking about M.O.N.E.Y.

The biggie. I have been sitting on this one for a while. I knew that I would be writing about it sooner or later. My trip to Vegas has definitely inspired me to talk about it now.

First of all, I have to say that Vegas is incredible. I'm talking about the Vegas Strip where you will see so many amazing things all in a relatively small area of town. I mean the architecture, the lights, the sights, the fountains, the imitations, the crazies, the attractions…we are talking sensory overload. I walked around a few of the hotel/casinos yesterday and was just blown away.
If you haven't seen it, you should. I don't think there is anything like it in the world.

And the crazy thing is, I have barely scratched the surface. I haven't even seen that much yet. And the landscape surrounding Vegas is beautiful. The mountains and the desert-sometimes it looks almost purple.

However, the area around the strip is commercial, suburban hell. Just tons of fast food places, malls, strip malls, other casinos, and traffic. And it seems like it stretches forever.
And the people here seem miserable. Aggressive drivers, sad-looking immigrants, bitchy customers. Of course, this area has been hit hard by the economic crisis, so I guess they have a reason to be a bit foul.

It strikes me that money is the single most influential factor of life in the modern world. It's fear's right-hand man. If I am wrong, tell me what is bigger? Love and compassion aren't more important in this world. At least not at this moment in time. No, fear is our ruler, dictator, king, and queen.

Money trumps love and compassion in this world in a heartbeat. If it weren't so, we wouldn't have wars and famines. Parents wouldn't leave their children for something as ridiculous as a job. We wouldn't have sold out our country so that all of the work that we used to do here is now done in Asia.

I am not telling you anything that you don't already know. Money's power to corrupt is endless. Just look at the boss/employee relationship. Now, I have been blessed with nothing but good bosses all my life, but I have seen the sickening relationship that fear and money bring into this scenario. Have you ever been an employee and were forced to be nice to an awful person because you were scared to lose your job. Have you ever been a boss and had people act phony towards you because they want to ensure that they keep a job? What about prostitutes?

I could go on and on. But one last example is from my own situation. I left my partner, but I would dare to guess that it wouldn't have had to be that way had money not been an issue. We could have simply decided to travel around together if money was not such an influential factor. In fact, the only negative letter I received about my decision to do what I did was all about money. And money has been the single biggest question on people's minds when they consider what I am out here doing. "What are you going to do for money?" "What happens when your money runs out?"

Now, I would be lying if I were to tell you that money wasn't on my mind.
Yes, my money will run out, but everyday it becomes less and less a matter of concern. And today I experienced a situation that made me realize how sickening money is and how I know that I am doing the right thing. Because I will never again be a slave to money. And isn't that what we all are? Would you be living the same life that you live now if money was not a factor? It's the same question if I replaced the word 'money' for the word 'fear.' Aren't they synonyms?

Anyway, I was on my way driving from Vegas to the Grand Canyon. It's a pretty long drive about 250-275 miles each way. I stopped in a little town called Kingman, AZ for gas. While I was there a guy came up to me and said that it looked like something was wrong with my tire. And, as luck would have it, he was a tire guy and his shop was right next door. Now, I am no expert on cars or tires, but I was immediately suspicious. Seemed a little too convenient. But, I told him it was a rental car and sure, he could put it up on the rack and check it out. He had the car lifted up and sure enough, I could definitely see a tearing on the inside of the front tire. He also noticed something wrong with one of the back tires as well, but this was less obvious to me than it was to him.

To make a long story less long, he called the rental place and said that I had problems with 2 tires and that he would be glad to replace them. The rental car place said that I could pay for the 2 new tires and they would reimburse me. Well, I wasn't interested. I told the guy to take the car off the rack and I will drive the car back and get a replacement. Meanwhile, another unsuspecting gas customer was being waved over from the pump to the tire store. Yeah, it was a racket. And the guy working with me was gross. Just a slimy, sickeningly sweet persona that I just wanted to get away from as soon as I could.

So, I took the car back and got a nicer one. No big deal. But the whole thing just left a bad taste in my mouth. The nasty taste of watching fear devour people's lives. The tire guy was probably just a nice, normal guy trying to make a living. And fear and money tainted him and has him a slave to a tire racket who gets dopes like me to buy tires on their way out to see one of nature's most beautiful creations. And going back to the car rental place and watching the employees throw their lives down the drain to work in a soul-sucking place like Vegas. The place was crawling with tourists looking to get their cars and they were understaffed. They spend most of their day doing a mindless job for unappreciative people. It's hard to describe how sick this makes me. How sick this whole town makes me to see people, all amazing in their own special way, work in a soul-starved place because money runs our lives.

So yeah, fuck money. Fuck it's all-encompassing, soul-drying, stomach-twisting putridness. If I can't make money doing something that I am absolutely passionate about, then I guess I don't make money. Tell me a better way? What is the answer? The answer is, for me, that if the universe is a benevolent place, like I know it to be, I will be perfectly fine.

So for those of you who are wondering what am I going to do for money? The question better asked is what won't I do for money? I won't starve my soul and be a slave to it anymore. I will love this beautiful world and give my gratitude and appreciation for everything that it is.

Vegas Shmegas

A question of will

A question that has fascinated me for a long time is the question of whether or not people actually possess the power of free will. If you really look deeply into this area it has the ability to blow the lid off of society in general.

Our whole society is based on the idea that we actually can choose right from wrong and choose what direction that we will take our lives. Let's take a murderer for example or even a child molester. Is it just luck that I am not one?

A sobering and humbling thought to me was how could I ever know that I wouldn't have ended up committing horrible acts like many people have. If I was born at a particular time, in a particular environment, to a particular family, with a specific make up of brain matter, and specific exposure to specific experiences, who is to say that I wouldn't have grown up to do some really awful things? Or some really great things for that matter?

In the book, "Outliers," Malcolm Gladwell makes a strong case for the fact that people like Bill Gates and Mozart where lucky enough to be born in a situation that gave them all sorts of favorable conditions. His concepts challenged the idea of the self-made man for an alternative convincing idea about how highly successful people are actually products of extraordinary environments that give them a huge advantage.

We can take this matter conversely to the typical person spending their life in jail. Look back at their life and see what sort of situation they were subjected to. I would guarantee that you would notice a very particular trend. Awful childhood, perhaps addiction and/or mental illness, and the list goes on...

I have posed this concept to many people over the years and I am struck with a similar response. People usually give examples of those who have beat the odds and come out successfully despite forces against them.

Sometimes it was a very strong response as if people don't like to consider the fact that the reason that they are in the position they are in could be very little to do with their own efforts. And the urge to blame is so strong in us. We are so quick to judge people and have no doubt that we would make all of the right choices no matter what the conditions were.
But ask yourself, is this REALLY true? How in the world could you know?

Unless you experience the exact same conditions looking through the exact same pair of eyes, using the exact same brain chemistry, you could NEVER know.

So what is my point to this diatribe? My position is that we are just lumps of clay that the universe shapes and twists and bends into whatever forms our lives presently take. This may sound like a cynical approach, but whatever control we may be able to exert in our own lives comes from waking up out of the dream of fear that most of us are snoring our way through. If you are reading this, could it be that somehow you are being asked to look more deeply at your life? What is the purpose of your life? To be born, grow up, get a job, raise a family, die…and to have the whole cycle endlessly repeated? If that is a satisfying scenario for you, then far be it from me to suggest an alternative view. If you are living a satisfying life, then keep living it for God's sake.

But if there is a gnawing inside you, like there was inside me for something different, something more fulfilling than the monotony of regular life, start by looking close. Refuse the temptation to blame others and look at the pattern of your life. Where is fear blocking you? Keep looking in that direction and you may discover how you have been sleeping through an endless pattern of the same things over and over. How you are repeating the environment that was created for you as a child? All it takes is that you look closely. Writing about it is the best way. Once you see it you can then start to dream up something new for yourself.

The Drought

It would be difficult to exaggerate the miracle it is to stop giving a shit about what other people think about you.

Now, I am not saying that this is about saying a big "screw you!" to people. In fact, it's more about saying "screw you!" to yourself.

What I realized about myself was that a vast majority of my life was being spent being concerned about how people saw me through their eyes. Until you really look at it, it is mostly an unconscious thing. This is what a lot of thinkers and writers are speaking of when they talk about the EGO.

The ego is the false self. This is the face that you put on for people that is really not you. I remember seeing it and not knowing what it was even when I was a kid. This false self is not as strong with the people that you are intimate with. Have you ever noticed that people who are really close to each other often treat other people better? This is true many times with romantic partners.

My father (sorry, dad, if you ever read this) would put on this particular face with his friends and strangers. I noticed that he actually would treat other people better than he would treat his wife. Now don't get me wrong. He treated his wife very well. What I am talking about is that friendly openness and charm that comes out when you are around people that aren't as close to you as somebody you live with. I remember that she would point this out to him, how he was nicer to his friends than to her. I'm not sure if he agreed, but I certainly could see it. And as I got older I did EXACTLY the same thing. It's kinda along the lines of "you always hurt the ones you love." But most of the time it isn't hurting necessarily, it's just that your ego is less active with people who really know you well.

Let me give some other examples of this false self that I succumbed to and still have to vigilantly monitor. For instance, I would occasionally drink red wine. Now I am telling the truth when I say that I think that red wine is mostly disgusting. I can drink a glass here and there, but I don't really like it. I am sure that many people have acquired a taste for it, but as much as I have had red wine, it has never appealed to me. However, after watching a movie called "Sideways" I got it my head that drinking red wine was cool. Not just any red wine, Pinot Noir specifically. God forbid I would have Merlot. Now, my taste buds are not so sensitive to know the difference, but my ego knew. Pinot Noir is cool. I want other people to be aware of my preference for the superior quality of Pinot Noir. For crying out loud, give me a beer or a glass of cheap white wine. Better yet, give me a glass of milk.

One of my greatest joys in life is music. And my ego would even creep in here to monitor what type of music I would listen to. My ego would pay attention to what was cool and what I wanted other people to know that I listened to. And concerts, probably my favorite thing to do, would be corrupted by this noxious ego. There were times that I didn't fully enjoy the concert experience because I was more worried about whether or not other concert goers would notice that I could lip-sync the lyrics to the songs really well. Are you kidding me??!! Talk about nonsense.

 These are just a couple of examples of how the ego can really control who you are. For me it was a constant thing. Always hyper-aware of how other people would see me. But the crazier thing was, it was my interpretation of how they saw me, not necessarily what they did see. It was particularly strong when it came to my physical appearance. I always was critical about how I appeared and would constantly monitor this. It led me to feelings of inadequacy when I perceived people as better looking than me.

The ego is a consumer of your soul's energy. If you can get to the point where you stop caring about what other people think, it frees up so much of this energy and you start to notice more and more the beauty of life around you. Gratitude comes more and fear comes less. Many people may not relate specifically with the way my ego affected me. But look at your own unique hangups. Where are you spending the majority of your mental energy? What are the things that you take so personally that really aren't that important?

This highlights the need I already mentioned for people to find that thing that they become selfless within. For some it is dedicating their life to their family. For others it might be their work or their art. But the idea is to stop the wasting of energy that the ego consumes and that is a breeding ground for fear.

I was driving back from Cannon Beach today and a song popped up while I was shuffling through. It is, fittingly, by a band from Portland called Horse Feathers. The song is called, "The Drought." It made me think of the ego's influence in my life. How it created a drought of the soul all of my life. It is a shockingly beautiful song. Check it out. And pay attention to the lyrics.


Song


Lyrics

Cannon Beach

Wow, I think I saw the coolest beach ever today. My friend in Pittsburgh told me how much she wanted to visit this beach and how the movie, "The Goonies" was filmed there.  Got some great photos.

Beliefs

My grandmother has stressed the concept to me about loving and caring and being around others. Perhaps she is afraid that I am feeling lonely or that I would be better off spending time by being in close proximity to family and friends. Let me just say to her or anyone else that may be concerned about that: I am totally fine. There is a certain comfortableness to being alone for me. When I first started out, loneliness definitely creeped in. I had some scary moments down in Big Sur, but somehow, my desire to continue on pushed me beyond my ideas of what being alone meant and let me continue in a less fearful and more joyful way.

This brings up the opportunity to address the concept of beliefs. Beliefs are like air bubbles that we float around in. We get our beliefs from society and from our own experiences. The thing about beliefs is that they often go unexamined. Sometimes we are pushed into a new paradigm of beliefs based on an unusual or traumatic experiences. Sometimes, like in my case, we push ourselves beyond the barriers that beliefs create around us. If you say something that you think is true, make sure that you have hard evidence. Evidence can usually only be found by actually trying something out for yourself.

For example, A short time ago I never would have believed that I would have been able to embark on this journey. Giving up my job and leaving behind the life I knew is something that I think many people consider, but seems crazy scary too. In my case, I went through the process of challenging many of my fears. I simply examined and wrote out the things that scared me or the things that I didn't desire in my life. I looked hard at beliefs that I held and decided whether or not they were helping or hindering me. Once I got through some really scary stuff, all of the sudden the ideas that once seemed impossible seemed possible. Now, keep in mind, there wasn't an absence of fear when I began this whole thing. What is more accurate is that the fear became more manageable.

So, when my grandmother talks about the idea of needing to be around friends and family in order to have a fulfilling life, I would say that she is expressing a belief. Perhaps a very good belief that works for her. Now, I am not saying that I completely dismiss this belief, but I do think it can be challenged if one wishes it to be. I had to challenge it in order to do this. I had to get comfortable with the idea of being alone. I am not promoting this idea of being alone. But I do promote the idea that strongly held beliefs that limit you can be challenged. Sometimes it takes confronting that specific belief head-on or sometimes a belief is weakened by challenging other fears that plague us. At least this is true in my experience.

My grandmother also has mentioned that she doesn't understand what I am looking for. Let me help clear the matter up. I am not traveling around looking for anything. If I need to find something, I have faith that it will find me. It is more easy to address this matter by explaining what I am NOT looking for in my life. I am NOT willing to work at a job that is unsatisfying. I am NOT willing to live my life waiting around to travel and see the things I want to see as if I had all the time in the world. I am NOT willing to do things that I don't want to do. I am NOT willing to let fear dictate the life that I am living.

Six months ago, those demands that I am making would probably have seemed absurd to me. Of course you have to do things that you don't want to do. Of course you have to stick it out in a job that is unsatisfying. Of course you may have to be patient to see the places you have dreamed about. Well guess what? These are all the beliefs that were boxing my life in. If I am crazy, so be it. At least I am having a good time being crazy. I am determined to keep pushing the boundaries of what is possible in this life. Because life is unbelievably precious and beautiful and amazing. Who knows how much longer we have to enjoy it?

Yes, I still care for and love my friends and family. Yes, I still want what is best for them. But I also have this crazy idea that they would truly accept what it is that makes me happy and support me in that. I can go on without it, but it does make a huge difference.

The Beauty of Nature

Have you ever wondered why the beauty of nature resonates so much with humans? I find it so interesting that most of us share a common reaction to natural beauty and the fact that we have such a strong interest to see it. I don't know what it means, if anything. But to me it seems like the proof that we need that tells us that we live in a benevolent universe. All of the things that we need to live a joy filled life are all around us. If we take the time to really notice the natural beauty that surrounds us, it can be a portal in which gratitude for living can start to take over as a dominant force in our lives. Here are some photos I took today along a beautiful stretch along the Colombia River here in Oregon.

Conversation in Portland

I met a guy here in Portland. A young guy in his mid 20's and we started having a conversation. We started off just casually talking about the sights worth seeing in the area. After a short time, he decided to confide to me some problems that he was dealing with in his life. He began by telling me that he had a hard time in high school and didn't have many friends. He said that things hadn't gotten much better as he was older. A particular topic that he seemed fixated on was the fact that he had no luck finding a date. He started a lengthy discussion on the matter of physical attractiveness in our society. He felt that because he was overweight, people didn't take him seriously. He attributed his inability to find a date on the fact that people did not find him physically attractive. The other factor, he felt, was that people also looked passed him because he is Asian. He claimed that in American society, Asian men are not as desirable as white, black, and latino men.

 His weight seemed to be a major issue for him and he talked about how it was so difficult to successfully adhere to a diet to get closer to his ideal weight. How his bad eating habits seemed unbreakable because they existed since he was a young child. Try as he might, he was unable to get to a weight that he found desirable.

He was currently quite anguished about the fact that he could not find a meaningful romantic relationship. He went on for a while about how society shapes our perception of physical attractiveness and how easily he is dismissed because of his weight and his race.

I asked him, quite frankly, that if he felt his weight was a major barrier to his ability to be perceived as physically attractive, why he did not take the necessary means to lose the weight. He went back to the issue of his habitual patterns of eating poorly and how he just couldn't stick to a diet. I challenged him by asking him if it was possible if he actually preferred the poor diet to finding a partner. He seemed to consider the question momentarily, but then dismissed it and carried on to the topic of race.

He had a number of beliefs about the subtle racism in human sexuality and how white people in particular have certain biases towards other races. How Asian women are exoticized but Asian men are rarely even seen as fashion models. He had concocted a whole story, that seemed quite thought out, about the reasons that he was a social outcast due to society's distorted perception of physical attractiveness. And due to the unfair nature of societal perceptions, he was without any prospects for a meaningful relationship.

My next question was also quite blunt. I asked him if he was abused as child. He seemed pretty shocked by the question. He was quiet for a bit, but eventually he spoke up to say that he was physically and emotionally abused by his mother. The reason I asked him this was because I suspected that somewhere in his life experience, something may have happened to him that made him question his worthiness as a person. Something that tore his self-confidence apart and had him question his value in the world to other people.

I tried to be as open minded as possible and evenhanded while talking to him. I didn't want to sound as if I was trying to figure him out or be judgmental. But I told him that it was my belief that if we have the authentic desire for something in our lives, we go after it without making excuses about why we cannot achieve it. I asked him to consider the possibility that perhaps, deep down, maybe beyond his awareness, he really did not have the desire for a relationship. Or, that his fear that he was not worthy of another person's affections actually outweighed his desire for a relationship.

People that are abused, or made to feel somehow less than worthy as children, have the tendency to form a particular belief about themselves that is carried with them into adulthood. I suspected that this fear of exposing himself by getting close to another person, and possibly being rejected (as his mother rejected him through the abuse) was so strong within him that he prevented himself from meeting the kind of person with whom he could form a romantic bond. But, in order to conceal his fear, he projected his fear outside of himself by looking for reasons that society was to blame.

This is the insidious nature of fear. It lies hidden in many forms of projection by people unaware that their fear is controlling them. However, this is easily recognized. If you are looking outside of yourself to find reasons why something is not going right in your life by blaming or concocting stories to confirm a belief, consider that the real answer could lie within you.

When I asked this guy to consider the idea of his own feeling of worthiness, he paused for another moment and said, "I am afraid that I have become transparent and am really uncomfortable right now talking about this. Let's change the subject."

Now, I really could never be certain if my assumptions about anybody else are true. But, his response definitely made me suspicious. He had the classic signs of fear denial. Fear denial often takes the form of blame. Blaming an outside force for whatever situation that you find undesirable in your life. I found that when I looked at my life from an internal perspective rather than an external perspective, I could see that I was concealing some kind of fear. A fear that could easily be dispelled if I acknowledged it and recognized it's influence.

Email from my grandmother

She said:

"our whole life can't be wrapped up in your passion. thats like being
on an eternal ego trip. and who wants to be around a person who is
egotistical. that kind of person to me is like a homeless person.
INVISIBLE. we walk by them as if we can't see them.you can't forget
who you are to yourself and you can't forget who you are to your
friends and family. a loner is never happy. we all need love and touch
and we need to give the same"

This letter from my grandmother really penetrates into the very origin of fear.
It also makes me realize that I have to do a bit more explaining so that this is clearer to everyone.

The point that I was attempting to make was illustrated using the idea of a mother losing her "self" in motherhood and therefore transcending fear. Just like my grandmother stated her experience was when she had her first child.

The origin of fear actually lies in the identification of you as a separate self from the outside world. To make it more clear, it is the lack of trust in a larger force, higher power, or whatever you want to call it. It really doesn't matter what name you give it. But the fact is, it is the lack of trust in the flow of life; it is when we try to separate ourselves by thinking that we are apart from what we sense is the outside world we perceive. This separation engenders the fear in which we find ourselves immersed.

For me, this process has been leading me to a place where I could swim out of this whole sewer system of fear (a process that is not yet complete, mind you). This requires losing yourself in the particular thing that brings you joy. When you are no longer concerned about yourself, fear starts receding in your life. This is where I am going. So, to me, it is the very opposite of egotistical. I spent my entire life wrapped up in myself. Always concerned about my self-image. Thinking that I had to prove myself somehow worthy to the outside world. I am not really sure what she means by the homeless person, but I am not necessarily shunning the idea of friends and family and touch. But I am forgetting who I am to myself, because that is what is slowly fading away.

If you desire release from fear in your life, you have to start accepting that you are part of a larger life force. It is very simple to recognize when you are not "going with the flow."  When you are worried about something, this is a clear sign that you are not trusting this larger force. When you are stressed about something, you are resisting the natural force that is guiding you. Life isn't meant to be resisted. Stop yourself and realize this every time you are experiencing these negative feelings and know that the cause of it can always be found in the fact that you are not allowing life to be as it is. Relaxing into things, enjoying, accepting…these are the feelings that will tell you that you are heading in the right direction. You have to make the conscious effort to notice this in your life because it is so habitual for most people to think these are normal feelings. They are NOT normal feelings. Just because they happen and everybody experiences them does not make them something that we cannot go beyond. QUESTION THIS BELIEF! We have to become aware of it so we can start the process of breaking the pattern of fear that is literally poisoning the world on a larger and larger scale. It starts with us. This is what Gandhi truly meant when he said that, "You must be the change you want to see in the world."

I know some of you may be skeptical of the idea of the "larger life force." But the only reason is that we don't take the time to notice it. We fill our lives with so many distractions (tv, stress, shopping, drugs, etc.) that it evades our perception. One of my challenges in this journey is to somehow bust through this wall of skepticism. So many spiritual writers and thinkers always take the easy way out by saying that you must experience it for yourself. But how in the world will many people even make the effort to attempt it without some compelling evidence? I feel like I was lucky because of my natural curiosity and experiences that led me to this. But what kind of information can I convey to make people begin to try? Anyway, I welcome your suggestions and criticisms!

From Selfish to Selfless

I mentioned in the posting titled 'Jed McKenna' that there were some of his concepts that I didn't quite get until I actually stepped foot out into the wide open world and into this new life.

The process before coming out here was selfish in the extreme. It actually opened me up to a whole new world of selfishness that I suppressed for a long time. I was a vegetarian for 12 years because I was so worried about hurting animals and felt enormous guilt for so long. In fact, guilt was my particular brand of fear that I subscribed to in many ways. Well, the vegetarian thing completely dropped away and other interesting things opened up for me.

But they were all very selfish and self-indulgent. And, as you know, this whole process culminated in the supremely selfish act of just dropping everything and leaving a mess behind. This is the part that never made sense to me when it came to Jed. He emphasized this idea that you have to dedicate yourself to something bigger than you in order for the universe to open up to you. Everything else was working, but I couldn't figure out how to fit the 'selfless' thing into the whole picture.

I had been thinking about this a bit and an email from my grandmother in response to the bus incident made me realize that it was time to talk about this important part. She read the bus story and explained to me that she lived her whole childhood "encased in fear." She goes on further to explain that when she became a mother that she "put fear on the back burner and never looked back."

When I read this, I was like wow. This is so true! Many woman describe motherhood in this way. You forget about yourself and are now dedicated to something bigger than you. This clears away the fog of fear like the sun piercing thru the clouds. It allows true love to enter and you step into a whole new life.

And this is the experience I had after being found in the shopping center that day in San Francisco. I came to realize that my life was really no longer my own anymore. Just like a mother does when she now has a child to care for. That is what this blog is now for me. It's like a child. I no longer feel self-indulgent and have dedicated myself to something much bigger than stupid old, boring, tired, me. My life now belongs to the world. Whatever messages that come thru clearly that may be of help to you guys is what matters to me. It's like daily I experience less and less self-interest since I started. I am obsessed with the 3 W's now. Watching, waiting, and writing. And to my friend's that know me…keep your fingers crossed that it is more than just a "Rocky-Phase" because never before has something felt more real and more important.

So here is the message: you have to figure out what that thing is that is bigger than you that you can lose yourself in. That is where you can find your happiness…"following your bliss" like Joseph Campbell says isn't about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. You will discover that true bliss comes from giving up yourself in something that drives you to forget who the hell you are. Who the hell you are is what is stopping you dead in your tracks.

Please comment, ask questions. This is what I am living for you guys. I want to be as helpful as possible and I can do that if you challenge me. Don't be nice and fluffy. Tell me that my ideas suck and why you disagree.

OREGON AT LAST!

I made it from California to Oregon. This is a state that has fascinated me for a long time. Mainly because of it's natural beauty and because of the city of Portland which I have been dreaming about visiting for a long time.

I met my good friend out here who was here visiting his brother. We had a blast today walking on the Salmon River Trail. Here are some pics. Isn't that tree humongous??

Greythoven's 5th

So, my grandmother has been reading my blog and she asked me, "why are you so obsessed with death?"

If I have given that impression, I apologize. I would say that I am more obsessed with fear. Fear because I have recognized its overwhelming influence in our lives. And so far, I have been inspired to talk about it and expose it for the limiting effects it has in an individual's life and larger society.

So anyway, I left California and came here to Oregon. I decided to take the Greyhound bus since it was cheaper than an airline ticket. What I have realized is that when you do this kinda thing that I am doing you become more aware of what's going on around you. I'm realizing that my life isn't my life anymore. I know that I have a specific thing to do and I am living for it rather than whatever the hell I was doing before.

So, my job now is to pay attention and look deeper into situations and see how they play a roll in what I am going to write about. Well, I got a ringside seat to a whole fear-symphony on the Greyhound trip. It highlighted so many important factors about the nature of fear, that I knew I had to write about it here.

First of all, if you have never taken a Greyhound bus, you have to understand that it attracts the dregs of society (wait, am I one of those now?). This bus was pretty packed. I was one of the first on the bus so I saw a lot of people going by. I noticed this one kinda twitchy guy get on. He was not paying attention to much and swung and hit a Hispanic lady with his bags. He was in his own world and looked a little freaked out.

Fast forward to about 4 hours into the ride. I actually fell asleep and awoke to a bunch of screaming and the bus violently pulling over. Apparently, this twitchy guy (who was white) got into a fight with another passenger. Mr. Twitchy felt the need to announce that it was a "black guy" who was hitting him. I don't know why but white people are so very scared of black people. A lot of yelling and commotion ensued and the bus driver came out and took full authority and started yelling back to tell them to stop. It calmed down and Mr. Twitchy had to move.  Guess who had an empty seat next to him? Yep! I was like, ok universe, you have my attention.

So, the bus continues a short way and for some reason the bus driver decided to pull over at a truck stop area. He made an announcement that we were stopping briefly and nobody was to get off the bus while he handled his business. The black, formerly fighting passenger, decided that he needed to get off to have a cigarette. His nerves were probably heightened and somehow smokers find smoking to have a calming affect. Well, the bus driver was having none of it. He and the black guy got into a very heated argument about letting him off the bus and it went on for several minutes.

Fear is sometimes disguised as bravery. And I think that this is what was happening with the bus driver. He had his authoritarian role to play and he was not backing down. His fear involved losing control. In my mind I was like just let the guy off and smoke his cigarette and calm down. Instead, the bus driver went to the extreme measure of physically blocking the guy so he couldn't get off. They were both yelling loudly, passengers were getting more and more excited and babies were crying.

Finally the guy pushed through the bus driver and got off the bus. Police were called. In the meantime, Mr. Twitchy was talking to me about how the black guy was mad at him because he kept wiggling in his seat and wouldn't calm down. This unnerved the black guy and apparently caused the original fight. Fear was very strong in Mr. Twitchy. He wore it on his sleeve and caused all sorts of problems and was what began this whole scene. Keep in mind we are at the beginning of the Cascade mountains, and here I am a witness to the cascading effects that fear causes. Coincidence? You tell me.

So now while the police are being called, someone yells, "Call an ambulance!" Another passenger was in the midst of a seizure. So now everybody is getting off the bus while some were staying close to the seizure victim. I was determined to stay in my seat and take notes…this was too rich! Was fear the cause of this guy going into a seizure at the height of panic on the bus? It's my assumption that fear-induced stress is a HUGE factor in all kinds of physical ailments. While I am taking my notes, another passenger runs off the bus and I can hear him puking right outside. Why was he puking? Ok, you get the idea now.

So the police came and Mr. Twitchy gets off to go talk to the police. Paramedics arrive to take away the seizing dude. And here I am at a truck stop in Redding, CA listening to this fear symphony. Music to my ears.

To my surprise Mr. Twitchy ends up not getting back on (his nerves probably just couldn't take it). And more to my surprise, the bus driver and the black guy worked it out and the black guy DOES get back on the bus. And we are off again into the cold night.

So, another hour goes by and we arrive at our next stop. This was a bus station in some small very northern Californian town and the driver announces that we can have a bathroom break. This was the driver's last stop and he was handing it off to the next driver. The driver gets off the bus and has a conversation that I can hear with the new driver and the black guy. The old driver explains the situation to the new driver. The new driver tells that black guy that she will have absolutely no shenanigans and the black guy is expressing to her his victimhood in the whole matter. While the black guy and the new driver are having their conversation, the old driver comes back on to get his things. And here is where the symphony reaches its crescendo. He says (verbatim here cuz I'm still taking notes), "I hate drama, but some people insist on having it!"

And here it is folks, the good ol' D&P. Denial and perpetuation. The bus driver was as much to blame here as anybody was. Are bus drivers trained to physically restrain people from getting off the bus? The people on the bus would have all heaved a sigh of relief to have this loose cannon get off and calm down. It was clear that the bus driver was going beyond his duty out of fear and the fear swelled up even further and at least 2 people were physically affected. And now here was the bus driver completely oblivious to the role he played. This denial is what perpetuates the symptoms of fear in our lives. We need awareness and it has to start on the individual level. Look. Listen. Dig it out. It stops when we shine a light on it.

Jed McKenna

Thanks for the thought provoking response again, Jonathan. I definitely want to make it clear that most everything that I have said really is not an original idea. The things I am talking about have been issues that were introduced to me, and then self-verified. The other disclaimer here is that all I know for sure is that they have been true for me in my life and I can only assume that they would be relevant to some other people. That's kind of the idea- to get these thoughts out and share with people what has and hasn't worked for me.

As far as talking about Jed McKenna - Well, I have made a conscious decision to not mention him yet and I don't really know if mentioning much about him is helpful now. I would definitely consider his books the most influential of any of the spiritually-minded things I have read. What's interesting tho, is that he is very critical of spirituality in general and had me questioning a lot of unexamined beliefs.

He is anonymous and the material is presented in a fictional and non-fictional format and it's hard to determine whether or not the events are imagined or real. Among all of the spiritual material I have been exposed to, his was most applicable to me and most self-verifiable. And things that he mentions in his books that I didn't understand, this journey has already helped me figure out. I'll probably talk more about those things soon.

He made me realize that you have to go and figure things out for yourself. And that the idea of this type of process is to move beyond the person that has taught you the most. And this point is funny because I got an email recently from a friend who told me that I should remember the old spiritual saying,  “If you meet the Buddha on the path, kill him!”

Basically you have to do something new, bring something new to the world and/or present it in a way that will be applicable to people who otherwise may not have been able to access this sort of stuff before. That's what my whole reason for this thing is. I gave up my life to do this, I now realize. My original intent was just to get out of a suffocating situation, and now this has opened up to me and given me a purpose. A purpose that continues to unfold…like on the Greyhound bus last night...Stay tuned!

Melancholia

A great movie. If you want to see what it means to be depressed, Lars Von Trier will show you. Kirsten Dunst gives a great performance. I can't say that I have a lot of experience with depression. I am pretty sure that as a teenager I went through a bout, but I came out the better for it. I studied psychology in college and a lot of emphasis is put on the condition. What makes it relevant to me is that it is such a common thing in society today.

Really?

I am not making a blanket assumption here, but I think that a big percentage of the people who have or are suffering depression are people that know too much. This is the point that I think Lars is making in his movie. The main character tries to fight it but as I can attest, you can't push things down for too long before they bubble over and cause some major problems. Medication is the common answer. Take some happy pills and you can manage it. But I don't think that a depressed person on medication is "happy."  I think it just keeps them treading water for a while or maybe a lifetime.

If you are depressed there isn't anything wrong with you. Yeah maybe there is a chemical imbalance, but what came first? Your sadness or this so-called imbalance? The fact is, if you are depressed, you are actually more honest about life than 99% of the people who claim not to be depressed. What the hell am I talking about and why am I being all dreary again? Well the point to my dreariness always has a silver lining. If you are depressed, get more depressed. Get even realer. Write down all the things that are making you depressed and look at them frankly. Then ask yourself why. The big thing in our society is the "SHOULDS."

How much of your depression is related to the things that you think you "should" be having, doing, or thinking? "SHOULDS" are just another name for fear. Fear of what exactly? I don't know, but you do. You just have to keep asking. How much of your life are you living for you and how much are you living based on the outside world's perception of you?

I don't mean to be lumping all people suffering from this illness into the same category, but I am fairly certain that many people can help themselves by looking fear in the face and exposing how prevalent it is your life. Then take a hard look at the things you are grateful for. From the vantage point of a depressed person, it is hard to do. But there is always something. Having a nice bed to sleep on, getting a phone call from a friend who cares, watching kitten videos on YouTube. Start stock piling your gratitudes and slowly but surely you will start to see the other truth about life. You will start to see how amazing it is and noticing the details that makes everything a miracle. Life is crazy beautiful my friends and it is brief. Love each other and take responsibility for your happiness. Forget about what other people think just for a minute and you see through your own eyes how much there is to appreciate.

From frazzled to dazzled

Thanks for the response Jonathan. I was kinda frazzled last night and your message frazzled me even more. But I gave it time and realized that being frazzled in this way is what I need. I approached this from every angle in my mind  before doing this and to have it examined by other people is good. If there are any doubts that I can't satisfy for myself then I made the wrong decision. And your message gave me some doubts and that was a sign that you really thought this out and called me out on the carpet like I should be, so thank you. Being a little frazzled last night and then reading this message that frazzled me more gave me a clear signal that waiting patiently, sleeping on it is always the best strategy.  I woke up today clear headed with clear responses to Jonathan's questions. At first I thought that explaining all this would be too much. Just give it up, I can't worry about whether or not people see this from my point of view. But that's not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to describe my process and let the world decide whether or not it is relevant in their lives. Jonathan's comments are starred and my responses follow:


**I think that the "very specific event" that made you change your mind about disappearing completely does matter--It's a key plot to your story here. **

Beginning this process required that I trust a life force bigger than me. Trusting is a key component to this. This means that I have to wait and watch and make decisions based on what feels right rather than making a choice reactively out of fear. My initial decision was that at some point I would disappear from society. Leave everyone. Why?  I no longer wanted to spend any energy on maintaining a self image. Contemplating fear and death for me was an isolating process. Towards the end of my days in Pittsburgh, I isolated myself because I no longer had the energy to give to worrying about how to interact with people. How to be the cute and darling little Rocky that I spent my whole life pretending to be.  It was fake and that Rocky had to die. It's the whole adage about dying to the flesh to be born of spirit or lose yourself to find yourself. Little did I know how real that is. Watch the new Lady Gaga video for "Marry the Night" she is expressing this idea in an amazing way.

Part of the trusting in this process is accepting the fact that you don't really know anything. The program of fear is so ingrained that it practically animates your body and vocal chords and mind. So I know better than to ignore specific events as clear messages that perhaps I need to consider a different approach. Right now at this moment I have no approach unless one comes to me spontaneously and without the fog of fear clouding my judgment.

Another factor for me was that I developed no tolerance for any kind of arguing with my partner. It came to a point where I found myself arguing and I immediately had to leave. I thought "this is it, this must be my moment." And I left. Arguing never helps any situation. Walk away...sleep on it...breathe..and then resume resolving a situation. So I left and walked for a short distance and got myself intentionally lost in a shopping center. I sat on a bench and my mind was reeling. It got super real for me in that moment. Yes, I had been contemplating doing something for a while. I just didn't know the how, when, or where. I thought it could be California and prepared myself for the possibility.  So when this happened, I waited on the bench to see what came next. What came next was that my partner found me. Now it seems reasonable that he would but he wasn't even looking for me. He was assuming that I was going to come back to the hotel, but I knew that I was never going back. But then there he was and I remembered that I don't know anything - I watch and wait. It seemed so unlikely that he would find me (and it was because he was going to the store to find an item that I was supposed to bring on the trip!) I know for certain that if he hadn't found me, this blog wouldn't exist and Rocky as people knew him would not exist. And this incident busted this whole journey wide open for me. I had no purpose before, but as soon as I accepted his finding me (and the story of how we originally met is even more interesting). I knew that I was shutting out a major part of this process...including the people that I did genuinely care about..this journey became about them and the larger world.  So as I assumed, Rocky did die, but something way bigger was born. And the idea of selflessness pierced my heart. And recognizing the importance of the people who I have cared about along the way is the gasoline that keeps an otherwise empty tank full.


***The original question was "Why was it important to leave without saying goodbye? Isn't that a cowardly thing to do? (Fear as you say) Or did you REALLY have NO idea that you were leaving when you got out there?" You answer the part about having an "inkling" about leaving, but don't really say why you did it the way you did. Why in the world did you feel the need to disappear completely? I don't understand this in comparison to your relationship with death at all. People who are dying still say goodbye.****

To really understand you this, you have to do the journey yourself. What I did was poison the life I knew with the elixir of honesty. I looked hard and frankly at my life. I found fear as this disgusting slime that was making my whole life in Pittsburgh toxic. I knew I had to get out before something bad happened. I need to make it clear that this is NOT about being brave. Some people have said that oh what a brave thing you are doing. But no...I have no illusions here. What I did was leave a room that was clouded with carbon monoxide. Is it brave to do that? You have 2 choices...go or perish.  Jonathan says that not saying goodbye was a cowardly thing to do. Maybe so. But I was an empty shell...I ripped my whole life apart from the inside. Why say goodbye? If you are trying to disappear you don't broadcast it...you just go. Slip away into the void. When I was found in that shopping center during our Thanksgiving Holiday...guess who was the most thankful dude in the world?

****Also, the top line of your blog description ends with "I wanted to see if it works." If the "it" is dropping your life, how do you know if "it" works? What's the gauge or the desired outcome it is judged to be functional by? Or then what is the IT of the 'if it works?****

I don't know, Jonathan.  Come with me and find out!!!

Death

This is a post that has been brewing up for a while and Jonny's question seems to make an appropriate time to bring it up.

Why was I so compelled?  How could I do something so heartless? Act like a happy asshole?

Well the short answer is death. During the last probably 6 months the idea of death consumed me. The realization that I was living in a dream world. Living as if I had some idea that I would just keep living for many years to come. The fact is that nobody knows when the scythe will come down. It happens in every imaginable way. Rather than facing this very real fact of life I spent my life distracting myself from this reality. Watching mindless TV, reading spiritual books that dance around this fact, working in a job that I wasn't satisfying.

I don't know if everyone could be as lucky as me to have this relationship with death. That's right, the luckiest guy in the world. Maybe it was more real for me because of my experiences. Not many people know, but I was pretty sick for a very long time. Since I was a teenager, I experienced a very odd sort of condition. I won't get into the sordid details of it, but I had some really scary symptoms. Doctors gave me medication and tests and never found out nor solved my problem. The symptoms were so scary that I really thought I had something majorly wrong with me. Death was always knocking, but I was always WAY too scared to really give it the attention that it deserved.

So maybe that is why this pull was stronger in me, but I suspect anybody..sick or well, happy or sad could develop an honest relationship with death and be as lucky as me. Lucky because when you take an honest look at your mortality LIFE becomes stronger. Colors are brighter, joy is more available because you know that you are no longer taking life for granted.

Jonny asks why did I do it the way I did. Why didn't I say goodbye and more interestingly why am I saying now that the support of my friends means so much to me? Great question Jonny!  Keep them coming and I encourage everybody to ask me the tough questions…I need them.

Ok, so yes I did have an inkling that this would all happen. I wasn't sure until I got here, but my original idea was that I would have to disappear completely. Just like I actually did die. Leave without a trace. However, a very specific event happened in San Francisco that made me realize that this wasn't necessary. If you think this whole thing sounds selfish now, consider my original idea of just vanishing. What an asshole. I can relate the event if you are interested at some point, but for right now it doesn't matter. What does matter is that this event busted the whole thing wide open for me and is actually what led to me doing this blog. And also led me to a deeper appreciation of my friends and loved ones and I am so thankful for that. Talk about GRATITUDE.

If I left anything unanswered, please ask.

Dirty Laundry

Ok. So I guess it's time to air my dirty laundry. Part of this process is to ask other people to be completely honest about their life. That is the way that you can really get the bottom of things and make some real changes in your life.

So here goes:  I was in a relationship for 9 years. Truthfully the best 9 years of my life. With a partner that treated me better than anyone has ever treated me (well maybe a tie with my amazing grandmother). In fact, in our circle of friends, we were the only couple that had some kind of stability and compatibility that lasted.

For a big chunk of our relationship I was undergoing this whole "spiritual" journey. I put that in quotations because the term spirituality has a lot of baggage and assumptions about it. More than spirituality I was on a mad hunt to discover the best way to live my life.

So to spare you the boring details about that (some details will definitely be revealed in later posts) I will move up to the culminating event that began this whole thing.

I knew that I could no longer go on living the same life that I was living. The weird part here is that it was a damn good life. I mean the irony here is that I wasn't leaving some miserable situation. I think that this highlights the power of the process I underwent. It actually compelled me to leave a good life behind.

So, like I said I was with my partner for 9 years. We had a rental house together and 4 really awesome cats. This thing was brewing up inside me and I really didn't express or communicate this to him. We had a vacation planned to go to California during the Thanksgiving holiday. I thought that this might be it and I kinda made half assed arrangements (a big one was quitting my job) that I would stay in CA rather than go back with him to Pittsburgh. He knew nothing. I really wasn't sure that I would actually stay, but there were some interesting signs that said I was on the right path.

So, we had a wonderful trip and visited some of the most beautiful places I had ever seen. I broke the news halfway thru the trip that I probably was going to stay. Of course he wasn't thrilled but he handled it like a real trooper. If I questioned before that he cared about me, it was no longer a question.

It was tough on me, but especially him. That's really hard to see when somebody that has treated you so well is hurting. I would never ever wanted to hurt him. So I stayed. Left him with the house (with rent due) and the cats. Just like that. I can't emphasize enough the fact that this pull in me was super strong. Nobody would actually understand it unless you felt the same way I felt.

The only thing I can do at this point is do my best to make it up to him somehow. If this thing works out, I will. I am counting on it. I said at the beginning of this blog that I wasn't a nice guy. Nice people don't do what I did. They would have made better plans, worked it out so that the impact on other people was minimized. I didn't do that. I think that my reasons will become clearer as the blog goes on. That's the point. This is a process and if you come along for the ride you will learn as I learn. That's all I can ask.

Photos for Becky

My friend, Becky, who advised me to stay at the lighthouse hostel asked for some photos. It is a really pretty place and she should definitely come check it out someday.  Also, she and her husband are doing some really cool things with hover doo dads and you should check it out. Would make some cool Xmas gifts!  Hoverthings

Fear vs. Gratitude

If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is "thank you," that would suffice. - Meister Eckhart

We live in a big bathtub of fear. Fear is what animates our lives and it is so ingrained that we don't even realize it. But all it takes is that we look closely at our own life to see how true this is. Ask yourself why you do the things you do. If you are honest, you will ultimately get to the root of the matter and it's always the same thing...fear.

Why do you have an alarm clock to wake you up in the morning? (perhaps because you are afraid to oversleep and be late to work) Why do you go to work? (perhaps because you are afraid if you don't your life will collapse..no money..no food, etc.). Why do you brush your teeth 2-3 times per day? And the list goes on. The only way that you could refute this is if you are doing something that you absolutely enjoy and couldn't think of something better to do.

This all sounds kind of pessimistic, but fear is some pretty interesting stuff if you take a good look at it. It runs the world. But it also can't sustain us anymore. We all are slowly waking up to the fact that the way the world is run at present cannot continue forever. Maybe it can't even continue for another decade..or less. There is some pretty scary stuff out there all about how the world is headed on a crash course for something. I can't pretend to know what, but it looks like it will be a lot worse than what we have now.

So here is my 2-bit notion to save the world. We need a new way to run our lives. A completely new substrate from which we can continue to grow and lead more satisfying lives. I think that the new replacement for fear is to live our lives based on gratitude. Now, this isn't my novel idea. A lot of thinkers promote the idea and I know from personal experience that being conscious of your own gratitude can really make magical things happen. But so far, not many of the people that I have heard talk about gratitude (with 1 or 2 exceptions) really are promoting it the way it could or should be. Gratitude as fear replacement.

A lot of people have heard or dabbled in the idea of law of attraction. Well what I am talking about here is kinda different. If you have read about or tried to use the so called law of attraction you might find that you end up kind of cold. Like maybe some things happen and it's kinda cool but nothing that brings about the kind of change that you really wished it could. The book "The Secret" was a huge phenomena. But guess what? Most of those people who read and applied the concepts aren't living in mansions, appearing in blockbuster movies, or walking around as bikini models.

The thing about this is that people aren't aware of how much fear runs their lives and makes choices for them. I can use "the secret" to help find me the relationship of my dreams. But wait...did you really ask yourself why you want a dream relationship? Did you really look at your reasons? If you find that kernel of fear at the bottom (fear of being alone) then you have already derailed the process for yourself. Did you try to use "the secret" to bring you a million dollars? Look close and see if fear is fueling that desire somehow. I think this point is somewhat emphasized in "The Secret" but I think that it was NOT emphasized enough.

We need a new way to run our lives. That is why I did what I did. I wanted to take a stand against fear. I asked myself what would you do if you weren't afraid? And here I am. Now that doesn't mean that I am not scared!!  Cuz believe me, the nights in the Redwoods was some scary shit (which I will talk about soon enough). So here it is world. This is my idea. Gratitude will take you places that fear can't. And if my experiment fails, then I was dead wrong. And I will be the first to admit it.