Concepts

2 concepts that people will fight fiercely and in vain for are the absurd notions of right and wrong and that free will somehow could exist.

Die Daily

"in some way one must pay with life and consent daily to die, to give oneself up to the risks and dangers of the world, allow oneself to be engulfed and used up. Otherwise one ends up a though dead in trying to avoid life and death." Ernest Becker

Becoming Lucid

Becoming awake within the dream means seeing exactly what is…2+2=4  and not bending your mind or contorting it to come up with 2+2=5 just because you don't like the fact that 2+2=4.   Beliefs, hiding in someone else, accepting society and culture without any conscious thought to its validity. This is what it means to be a stuck in childhood. No longer hiding is what becoming an adult is about. Letting fear be present if it is going to be there. Dealing with it honestly. Finding out the source (which is always death) Illuminating your world. That's what this takes. Hiding behind concepts that don't have any real meaning just so that you can pretend there is meaning. Concepts like love, family, political affiliation, your favorite sports team, thinking you are somehow special or in possession of knowledge, thinking that you are somehow in control of your life. These are all of the hiding places that we go and stay trapped like in an ant farm, circling the same terrain our entire lives, too afraid of the truth and of death because then our life has no meaning. Life is meaningless. Once you recognize this, it is no longer an issue. Ok, so life has no meaning and we give up the struggle to pretend that it does. This is the point where life becomes beautiful. We realize our days are numbered and we set out to experience the fullness and beauty of what it means to be alive. Actually see the beauty in everything. No longer separating things into what we like and what we are scared of, we now see the awesomeness of the things that previously scared us. We give up judgments. We give up the idea that anything could ever possibly be wrong and just live. The most surprising thing about all of this is that it does surprise me. How could I have gone my entire life as if blindfolded? That is what makes me wonder, but also what makes this process so amazing.

Never

Never lose sight of wonder

Kierkegaard

He who is educated by dread (anxiety) is educated by possibility. When such a person, therefore, goes out from the school of possibility, and knows more thoroughly than a child knows the alphabet that he demands of life absolutely nothing, and that terror, perdition, annihilation, dwell next door to every man, and has learned the profitable lesson that every dread which alarms may the next instant become a fact, he will then interpret reality differently.

Trying to make it better

Is trying to make it better the core problem? Is covering it up with encouraging words or pills the best way? What is the alternative? What about keeping death as a close companion and letting him decide what is worth trying to make better. I think he would say, "live your life, I'm coming when you least expect it"

Here's what death does

Death makes you look at yourself and go, "What the fuck am I doing?"  Death looks at your problems and makes you realize you never even knew what that word means. Death makes words dissolve and leaves you with experience. Death is the only way to glimpse what love is. Death takes a color sitting on the floor and makes it dance. Death makes you realize that memory is worthless and the future will never find you. Death makes every song the most beautiful, every taste the sweetest, every vision sparkle, and every breeze feel the coolest. Death looks at your complaints with disbelief.  Death shows you that you have never before used your senses.

Death makes you understand for the first time what life is.

Death is speaking, but we don't listen

Why do we live as if we are not about to die? Do we pretend in every moment that there isn't a chance that death is not a breath away? Death is in fact the great unknown. But we know it follows us, stalks us, but yet it as if we have completely decided to ignore it and live these mundane, nothing lives. Instead of turning around and facing the fact that, yes indeed, we will die, we walk hand in hand with fear. We listen to fear, breathe fear, and do fear's bidding in each moment that death is not recognized as a real and true presence. The irony here is that we are treating fear with the utmost respect and authority where it deserves none and has none. Fear is the illusion, death is the reality. There is no meaning to life other than death. And what is death constantly trying to say to us, but yet we ignore it? Death says to us constantly and insistently, "Live."

"Death most resembles a prophet who is without honor in his own land or a poet who is a stranger among his people." ~ Khalil Gibran

Selfishness

Let's talk about selfishness. It is the most ridiculous notion that could be created. To accuse someone of being selfish means that you are saying to that person that they did not act in a manner which considered your feelings or that seemed motivated towards their own interests. What does that even mean? Isn't the act of telling someone that they have behaved selfishly confirming your own selfishness? Now, let's say that I acted in a way that seemed to the other person as being unselfish. I really considered their feelings and maybe even put my own desires aside for such a purpose. If I did so what exactly are my desires then? It would seem that my desires were to act unselfishly to benefit the other person, but am I not seeking to benefit the other person for my own purposes? Was that not my own selfish intention that is being over-looked? There is no difference whatsoever between acting selfishly and acting unselfishly. Charity workers, gift givers, Mother Theresa. They behave exactly as they wish to behave. To define selfishness is pure absurdity disguised as "proper moral behavior"  The inner-workings of fear…One of fear's favorite pastimes is putting lipstick on a pig.  Wipe off the makeup and get real.

Destruction

"The day man experienced the consciousness that made him feel separate and superior to the other forms of life, at that moment he began sowing the seeds of his own destruction."  ~ U.G. Krishnamurti

Love??

O.K. gang. It's morning and time for work. Wakie Wakie. Do you really think your parents loved you? Shit, I think I hit the wrong button here..... How could they? Did they even know what love was? Did they love themselves? You have beliefs that you adopted from them and want to keep them because you trusted your parents. I cannot think of a less compelling reason than trusting your parents as a basis for taking on their beliefs. Am I attacking parents?... of course. They don't have a clue about love, no idea whatsoever. Did a parent ever define what it even is? If you really get down and dirty, how can a dream character truly love a dream character? A little comfort and a hug feel good, but 'love'? They had/have no idea. They were driven by their own demons and taught what love is by their parents who had even less of an idea. Need, desires, sex, companionship, security, yes, they are much more likely the motivators but not love. Just look at how many lies they told you. Would you lie to a person that you truly loved? What kind of love would that be? They were doing the very best they could with what they had, that's all that was going on. Do I love you? What would I do, pretend there is a separate you and then devote myself to that illusion? Not worth the effort and a complete delusion. There is no me/you division to begin with.

Thought

I have skirted the edges of the conundrum of thinking and have made cursory statements about it on this blog, but I am ready now to take it on full force. The tricky thing about thinking is that it is the tool that brought me as far as I have come. Thinking was the force that shoved my nose in my own shit and made me realize the pervasive nature of fear and how I have allowed it to dictate my life. Thinking showed me all of the lies that I was unwilling to face until I got honest and really thought about things. Thinking is what showed me how I was wrapped up in the illusion of other people's perception and made me realize that I really don't care about what other people think and how it's really none of my business anyway.

But now that I have come to the point where I now realize that thinking is also a large cloud that fogs up the mind. Thinking takes you only so far. It's like the saying about using a ladder to climb to heaven. The ladder was crucial for making the journey, but what is the benefit of carrying that ladder around after you have climbed it? The same goes for thought. Thought is a tool that is valuable beyond measure, but it is also a tool that is wielded by the ego and used to continue the illusory perception of identity and separation.

It took me awhile to see this, although there have been signs pointing me in this direction all along. But it takes clear seeing. Kind of like advice. Does anyone really ever take anybody else's advice? It takes you having to see things for yourself before it sinks in and makes a difference. At least that is how it has always worked for me. People could tell me things until they were blue in the face, but until I saw it for myself, it never made much difference. The same goes for this blog. It doesn't make any sense to someone unless they have experienced it, so the reading of it by another really isn't of much value. But it is helpful in the fact that it shows you that something else exists. I would have never done any of this had I not realized there might be something else out there.

So things have gone relatively slowly for me (hence the lack of postings) and it took me a bit to understand what was happening. But what has been happening is the dawning of the fact that I need to let thought go. It serves little purpose and only causes me to cut things up and label things as good or bad or boring, etc. etc. What I am done with is the whole business of judging anything. I am weary of it and need it gone. Thought isn't going to do anything for me at this point and it's time to sweep it away. It's a tough realization considering that I have always considered myself a thinker and have reaped the benefits of thought for quite awhile. But now here I am, a place where experience and happening and recognizing my own lack of free will. Thought is now a tool that presents the illusion of free will and that can only cause frustration.

For many people and certainly for me at times, thought is hell. It is the borderland that separates us from our own nature. It walls out life and cuts up experience into pieces that are then held up and judged by a force that has no real power to judge. The act of judging anything has always the same purpose: to keep separate. To claim that there is a "me" and there is an "out there" out there, which is the only source of pain and suffering that exists.

So how is thought going to go? It probably won't quietly step out of the picture. It will linger off and on, but through the desire to release it, it will go. What will replace it is what has always been there. The energy of life that guides everything. Thinking about it doesn't stop it or reverse that force anyway, so why bother?

Ego

Ego is the dream. Ego is the story. Ego is the made up part. Ego is the wall. Ego is the wrogness. Ego is what isn't. Ego is the name. Ego is the difference. Ego is the separation.

Free Will and Desire

I've talked about free will and desires, but what is the link here?  Where did your desires come from? Is there some you inside that directs and comes up with those things that you desire? Or is desire inherently mysterious coming from seemingly nowhere and showing up on your doorstep? I think about the things that I like or desire and I have to admit I have no idea where they have come from and no idea how to make them happen. Well, yeah, maybe I think I know how to make them happen, but I also see what makes them not. Micro-managing, impatience, frustration, constant checking, blah blah blah etc. are ways that we are held apart from our desires. Trusting, accepting, appreciation, patience, breathing...this is what ushers in those desires that come from nowhere.

Is there a pattern here? I think so. The idea of free will is kind of a blinder and a binder. Because we think we created our desires we think we know how to make them happen rather than relaxing, witnessing, and flowing.  But there is no separation so this ego isn't separate from the process either, just the way we pretend to have free will and keep separate and keep desiring. Ego is us, we are ego, we are everything, nothing is separate. Does this make sense? It is hard to write about because it takes a sense of it for it to click. Just ask yourself, "who is desiring?" "who makes it happen?" then perhaps you will come to realize there is no you...there is only desire and there is only the happening.

Books

“...the books we need are the kind that act upon us like a misfortune, that make us suffer like the death of a person we love more than ourselves, that make us feel as though we were on the verge of suicide, or lost in a forest remote from all human habitation--a book should serve as the ax for the frozen sea within us.”
Franz Kafka

Ten Paciencia

I am generally rather patient, however I still notice times where patience is short or I get worked up about something and I feel the impatience coming thru. Another ego ploy and also not the ideal way to be if you are looking for that universal flow that I have been talking about.

Let's dissect impatience. What is it? Why is it? To me, it seems like a state of mind and feeling that we aren't going to get what we want or expect. Or someone isn't behaving in the way we think they should. Next time you are impatient ask yourself "why?"  How does this feeling serve me?  In fact it doesn't serve you at all. It keeps you out of flow and you probably would rather not be that way. I've seen people impatient and I am sure that I have been so myself even when there wasn't any hurry to get somewhere or do something.

This is all a process of deconstructing ego. Recognizing it where it pops up, seeing it for what it is, and letting it go. The state of impatience is setting you up for everything you don't want because your state of being is such that you are anxious. Anxiousness is a no-flow zone. Ego is telling you "uh oh lets freak out cuz you might not get what you want!"

Catch it when it happens and you can get rid of the BS!!

Sin expectativas

One of the hardest things to put into practice is adapting to the way the universe works. I have been stubborn and foggy about it but it is definitely starting to come into focus. I see it in my life and other people's lives so clearly, but haven't put it completely into practice yet. It's an easy thing to do but we get caught up in mental loops, old habits, patterns, whatever.

Think about this: Think about the people in your life who you really are drawn to. The ones who it is fun to do things for and spend time with. For me, it usually is the people that are humble, grateful, and get a kick out of life. The ones that aren't insistent or clingy and really get surprised and thankful for what you do. Especially the ones without any expectations.

It's been a tricky road to navigate for me because sometimes your desire for something is really strong and you get kind of wrapped up about it or obsessed in the expectation and almost a demand for it to manifest in your life. On the other hand sometimes people are scared of something and do things to push them away or kinda block it out of awareness. And that, I have come to understand directly, are the ways that you really spin your wheels and never get those things that you want.

I've heard often that every seemingly separate part of life contains the whole and it makes sense in this case. I look at the kind of people that I am drawn to and understand that that is exactly a mirror of how I must treat life. Open-hearted, joyous, thankful, and empty of all expectation. It is easy to say, but kinda tough to start out doing it, but gets easier with practice. If you have a strong desire for something, let it be known, takes steps towards it and then release it. Be patient, breathe, give it time. There is a paradox here that is interesting to note. It's like you want something but then have to figure out how to be ok without it and still go about being appreciative for everything else that is in front of you. The other part, at least for me, is that it is really tough for you to see it unless you start doing it.  It's a 2 steps forward 1 step back type of thing, but then suddenly it clicks and becomes the way you live your life.

If you aren't having fun, why not?

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.”  - Brendan Gill

It's all you

“Not I, nor anyone else can travel that road for you. You must travel it by yourself. It is not far. It is within reach. Perhaps you have been on it since you were born, and did not know."

~Walt Whitman

Just Be

March 8th has come and gone and I have to say that I was probably a bit too ambitious in the idea that I would be more clear on what I am going to do with myself.

Let me try to explain what has been happening. I made the conscious effort to stop feeding my brain more and more information about making the progress that I am seeking. I realized that I was addicted to stuffing my brain full of info and then thinking and thinking. I am so happy to have seen a reduction in this distraction and it has made me understand that I kind of never needed all of the information in the first place. I mean, I am glad to have had it because it cut through some of the walls that fear erected and allowed me to see what I wasn't seeing. But, the fact is, nobody needs any additional information. In fact, you don't even need any of the information that I am writing about on this blog. What is most important is to allow yourself to just be.

But what does that even mean, "just be?" It is hard to explain because it is without explanation. You just simply allow yourself to have the feelings that come through, do the things that feel right, and don't block your flow. I spent my whole life behind a wall that was erected by fear and this made me think that I should adhere to a particular way of being. A certain moral code. A particular persona to uphold. A way that would make other people more attracted to me. But now that I have cleared much of that mental garbage, I feel freer to just be. This isn't a process of becoming anything. It is a stripping away at the layers of what you thought was your "self." Rather than beating myself into submission to follow the very strict rules of fear, I am loosening up and recognizing more easily how things flow and more importantly where they don't.

In the past, I didn't really recognize where things weren't flowing because I just accepted the fact that I must do things that were uncomfortable for me. So the lack of flow was happening so often that I just accepted it as a normal way of life. But now that I have taken so much garbage to the curb, I see more easily where the flow is getting stuck. And I see that that is the area which deserves my attention. Figure out why it isn't flowing and fix it. And guess what is the cause of that small area of being stuck? You guessed it! Fear. It hides in places and it is our job to root it out. Certain things that have felt stuck are seen as pockets of fear that I am resisting. And that is all that mental and emotional suffering is: places where we are resisting because we are afraid. But that is what this game is all about and that is what I am still in the process of doing. Once I clear more debris, I think I will start to realize what will come next. But, even that is something that I have to let be. It will come when it will and in the meantime I will keep slaying the dragons that pop up and continue to enjoy the wonderful blessings that I have.

There is a life beyond thinking. Life lives through you. You do not live your life. Thinking becomes an addiction because we think we have to be and do certain things. However, once that silliness is seen for the waste of time that it is, thinking is no longer required. Thinking is a prison. Of course it comes in handy sometimes, but how do we shut our brains off when we are stuck in a loop? It starts with the process of becoming honest about fear. Once the fear begins to lift we see that there is little that needs to be thought about and this Hafiz quote makes complete sense: "I am a hole in a flute that the Christ's breath moves through; listen to this music."

Control Issues

Have you ever noticed that the things that bug you on the level of frustration or anger are usually about things that you can't control?  That's what seems to be what galls us most and it seems to typically be about other people's behavior. But you have to go below the surface: Why do certain things bother you?

For me I have had to take a close look at this in my attempt to eradicate this feeling from myself. It seems like a simple matter of being honest about it. Do I like having these sorts of feelings? Hell NO!  So, I look and see where it comes from and the seeing has a magical lifting effect. Just being honest with myself has the ability to loosen up the pull towards wanting control.

And it is control that we have to be willing to give up. Control over our own identity. So what if someone says something bad about you? So what if she didn't act according to expectations? So what if someone doesn't give you recognition? All these things revolve around the idea of keeping an identity intact. But the supporting and cobbling together of an illusory identity has a draining effect on your energy. Energy that can be opened up and used for purposes that are much more satisfying. Like figuring out what kind of life you truly want or making things flow in a more relaxed, less serious, and fun way.

A Course in Miracles mentioned something that has always stuck with me, "Would you rather be right or happy?"  This is touching upon what I am trying to explain. Letting go, releasing control, going with the flow. Being unconcerned about how you are perceived in the world is a liberating thing.

Extreme Spirituality

What I am writing about on this blog is extreme spirituality. And the only reason that I call it spirituality is because I don't have another word to call it. But it isn't spirituality in terms of believing in anything or finding a religion. You realize eventually that life IS spirituality. We are not something that is apart from things we associate with spirituality, like magic and grace.

 What I am detailing is an engagement with life and finding out what is true for you. I call it extreme because you actually have to be willing to die for the cause. It sounds crazy and unbelievable unless you truly have become fed up with your life as you currently live it. If you are satisfied with your life and looking for a positive uplifting rather than a radical change, I definitely recommend NOT reading this blog. Eckhart Tolle and Deepak Chopra have written some great books about adding a spiritual dimension to your life that many people might enjoy.

What I am talking about here is a deconstruction of the ego. I define ego as the force powered by the energy of fear with the goal of continuing an illusion of separation. The illusion of separation is just that, an illusion. But the ego is a very tricky and sneaky force that is charged entirely by fear. Fear that the individual identity does not exist. I say that you have to be willing to die for this cause because that is really the only way that you can work yourself out of the driving force of egoic fear. Look closely and see how fear moves everything in the common way of life on earth.

Now, I am about as far away from suicide as a person can get. I have no desire at this point in time to end my life. However, if I had to go back to a way of life that was entirely controlled by fear, work in an unsatisfying job, live as if I perceived everything as separate from myself, I wouldn't bat an eye at the thought of ending my own life. This is the extreme part. It sounds negative and pessimistic, but it is really the opposite. When I glimpsed the reality of fear in my life, I knew I no longer wanted any part of it. I understood it was exactly the reason why I made so many unsatisfying choices in my life. But now that I have seen it, I know that I can't go back.

I have no guarantee that I would not have to come to a point where it would seem that I might have to make, once again, choices that are fear-based. However, I am fairly certain that my tolerance for that would be highly limited and the thought of death would seem much more attractive. But that is an amazing thing if you can see this. The reason why is because the fear that once fueled my actions is now being replaced by an amazing sense of awe and gratitude for life. Since I know that death is a much better option for me than to live my previous life, fear is being pushed out. Fear and ego that were so powerful in my life are now becoming only a flickering flame. Once death is seen as a viable, preferable option vs. a life run by fear, what is there to be afraid of?

So, that's why I say that this stuff may not be for you. If it isn't your heart's desire to end what you have going and truly see what life without fear can be like, then stop reading right now. If you are interested in killing your identity and living a life on the crest of a universal wave, then maybe this is the place you want to be.

This video is a good representation of how the ego works. Fear animates her and she exists as an exhibit for the gawkers, until she has had enough.  Listen to the lyrics, she is over it and wants to be free at all costs. This is extreme spirituality.

Worthiness

Another way that we go about the insanity of separation is through the idea of worthiness. Am I worthy? I think many people, including me, have either considered this question consciously or unconsciously in their thoughts and actions. If you look deeply into the matter it really does become absurd. How could anyone not be worthy of anything? If you are still alive in this world that is your automatic pass at worthiness. As a matter of fact, the subject becomes a moot point once it is seen for what it is.

Many people may think that they have had influences in their lives that have caused them to feel a sense of unworthiness. Like you have to prove yourself somehow in the world in order to be accepted. Utter bullshit. Just look at it. Even if someone has treated you in a way that has made you feel unworthy, why do you continue to believe it?

I have noticed the ways in which I have proven to myself that I was operating from a place of feeling unworthy. Like being overly concerned with my appearance. Feeling that only if I look a certain way would I be proving my worth somehow in the world. This doesn't stand much scrutiny. Fear keeps this idea in place. What if I just allowed myself to be and look the way that I am rather than try to impress someone? Well the reason comes down to the underlying goal that drives us all: fear and separation. That is where we should turn our attention. Not towards what perfect clothes I can wear or how my body could look better if I do 100 more sit-ups.

This has been one of the biggest struggles for me. My ego fought back hard on this. I guess we all have things that our ego with fight us on, and this ego-trap was particularly sticky and only recently started to loosen its grip. I had to be willing to look at it. Grooming an image of ourselves for the world is an utter waste of our energy. Rather than thinking our appearance needs fixed look instead at how the fear of being worthy sticks its hand inside us and moves us around like puppets.

Are you worthy of being loved? Are you worthy of having your dreams come true? Of course you are.

Integrate

Our notions of separation are false. All you have to do is look deeply into any situation where you perceive separation and ask how it is possible. The authors Alan Watts and Adyashanti have excellent books that discuss this topic.

I have made posts about the notion of Human Adulthood and I am sensing even more deeply that everyone is already in the state of Human Adulthood. I am defining this state as one where the perception of separation no longer exists. This isn't a state where you have to learn and practice and become. You simply look and see what is true. Any belief that you hold has the potential to create the unnecessary perception of separateness. It is this sense of separateness that engenders all kinds of needless suffering in an individual life. Want to see this? Look at a problem that you think you have. How are you separating a "you" from an external world in that situation?

Recently I have been recognizing that this state of Human Adulthood is something that we actively opt out of, but it is available to everyone. In fact, you work a lot harder, expend much more energy to keep out of this state. The way this happens is by perceiving wrongness in any situation. The universe isn't a chaotic and scary place unless you artificially assume yourself to be a separate entity. What are you that could exist separately?

Beliefs are the artificial bubbles that we create to sustain a notion of separation.  For instance, the notion of worrying. We may say that to worry about a situation is human. But is it? Look closely at the situation that you are worried about. Recognize that part of you that is trying to control the situation. Is control even possible? Worry wouldn't exist if there wasn't some part of you that sensed a power to control. If we look deeply at the notion of any power to control we find that there is none. And worry is dropped like the hot coal that it is.

What are the beliefs that don't work for you? Could you simply look at the foundation of that belief? Could you detect that constant pull towards a sense of separation and let that go? If you are suffering there is simply no need to identify that situation as wrong. Of course you are not happy to be in the state of suffering, but if you allow it to be rather than trying to run from it you will find yourself recognizing that the reason you suffered was because you tried to escape it so vehemently. Allow it to be. Integrate. Recognize a feeling of separation as an opportunity to look closer.

Deeper into addiction

I am recognizing deeper into what I am addicted to. I am addicted to information. Reading, thinking, reading, thinking. When does it all end? I guess my prison IS right here in the midst of continually seeking. The idea that I am trying to give up control of my life seems absurd when all I am doing is seeking more information and then thinking, thinking, thinking. What am I doing but STILL trying to perpetuate this illusion of control. What else do I need to know? If I need to know something it will come to me. But like any addiction, it could be tricky to drop. I need another detox. I guess this detox is to just to allow. Stop reading and thinking. Try only writing and being and doing. I've got all the information I could possibly need right now. I should be asking the question of myself when I catch myself in seeking mode. What am I seeking? What do I need to know? There has never been an answer that didn't come to me of its own accord when I needed to know it.

The fear of being truthful

"the core of this fear is that most people know intuitively that if they were actually totally truthful and totally sincere and honest, they would no longer be able to control anybody. We cannot control somebody with whom we have been truthful. We can only control people if we tell half-truths, if we shave down what is true. When we tell the total truth our inside is suddenly outside. There's nothing hidden anymore." - Adyashanti

Worthy of contemplation

"Every man is tasked to make his life, even in the details, worthy of contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour." - Henry David Thoreau

The time has come

Ok, so I am putting it out there.

The time has come for me to really do something to move forward. It is time to set an intention regarding what I am going to do with myself. I have had a wonderful time and have had a pretty good break. I am so blessed to have had the support, encouragement, and patience from the people around me.

I am ready to see what the next phase of this journey is going to be. My intention is to figure this out in the next 2 weeks. Today is the 22 of Feb, so by the 8th of March I would like to have a decision about what I will be focused on. I've been a little scattered and I have had a good rest, but I am ready to keep going. I have a lot of energy inside to give. I am ready to put aside my fear and dedicate my life to the selfless and focused task, whatever that may be. I hope it is adventurous, maybe involving travel, possibly involving communication or teaching. But who knows? I am open for whatever is to come. The idea is to expand myself to the possibilities rather than bringing them down to me and what I think is best. Will it be this blog going to the next level or perhaps something I haven't even considered? I know enough now that the choice isn't really mine. I am leaving it up to the universe to take me where it wants me to go.

I am going to take Joseph Campbell's advice as part of his Hero's Journey and dedicate about an hour a day for the next 2 weeks to open myself completely up to this process. The idea is make my intention known and be guided to take this journey. The way it works I think is to be open, breathe, not make any demands, be humble, and the answers will come.

Thank you to all who have supported me in this effort. I may or may not be posting between now and 3/8, but by 3/8 I hope to have an interesting post to share...who knows maybe even sooner! 

You have to spend energy to earn it

Ok, so I have to admit I have fallen off the wagon a bit. I have allowed my attention to become absorbed a bit too much again with the internet, a tiny bit of TV, and this really cool new phone that I have been messing around with.

However, it is a good thing. It is always a good thing. When you throw out the idea that anything is ever wrong, a new world of possibilities opens up. So the reason it is a good thing is because it allowed this idea to come of needing to spend energy to earn it. I have alluded to this a little bit in previous posts, but it is coming full circle for me now.

So, since I have been doing silly things like allowing my laptop back in my room and fooling with this smartphone I have totally noticed a sharp decline in my energy level. This is compared to the surge of sustained energy I had for awhile after really giving up all things electronic. But I thought about it briefly and then let the answer come. The other thing to point out is that if you want answers to specific questions just release them and then wait for the answer...it will always come. Not much thought necessary. Which is a good thing for me because I'm kinda dumb.

Anyway, the answer came and was completely obvious and unsurprising, but helpful nonetheless. You have to spend energy to earn it. If you are a passive receiver through spending too much time on the internet, watching t.v., or becoming wrapped up in an electronic device, your energy is not being generated. Perhaps this isn't a surprise to anyone, but it helps to have this in my awareness. That's why just getting up and doing something...anything is the way to get energy and inspiration. Just do whatever you can do. Clean the house, write, go somewhere. That's why our culture is addicted to things like caffeine and energy drinks. We sit around not doing much, wonder why we don't have any energy, then gulp down some kinda go-go juice to get us moving. Well, you don't need that. You just need to remember that you have to spend energy to earn it. So start spending!!

There is a caveat to this: your state of mind while spending. Don't ignore this because it will also suck away your energy the same way t.v. and internet does and furthermore lead to frustration and stasis. If you are doing things that you aren't happy to do or can't figure out a way to do happily, then something is telling you to stop and do something else. 

Actions Speak Louder than Words

Ok, so I read and I write and I talk. While all this is well and good and necessary, it doesn't amount to squat unless it means I actually DO something.

"A little less conversation, a little more action please" - Elvis

So, I realize that my reading and writing process is winding down and if I want it to count for something I need to figure out how this will translate into me doing something. So, I know the specific things that I will be reading and taking notes on in the coming week, however my process needs to be different. Rather than taking lifeless notes, I am going to write the notes as an action plan. In fact, if it can't be translated into action, I may as well not even take the note.

I am a little annoyed at myself for not doing this all along, but you live and learn. In the process of trying to change your life, you actually must do SOMEthing. Anything. Failed attempts are infinitely greater than a non-existent attempt.  So, from now on, if it something inspiring doesn't include a way for me to carry it out, it should just be thrown out with the rest of the useless garbage. I need to get Nike on my ass and JUST DO IT!

What is true?

What is absolutely true? If you think about this honestly you may discover that nothing is true. And if it is true, maybe only true for you and quite impossible to prove. Can you think of anything that you are absolutely 100% sure of?

And when I say true, I am talking personally, and directly verifiable. What is the point of anything unless it is something that we can experience first-hand?

Necessary Discontent

If my recent posting have sounded rather vitriolic it was on purpose. But don't mistake it as me being pessimistic. I know it all sounds very pessimistic, but this is a necessary discontent. What I am exposing is what someone has to go through to wake up. What has happened is that we all have tricked ourselves (through the pervasiveness of fear) that things are all ok. When we start to feel a certain discontent, we start to push it down or make excuses and fall back asleep for a little while.

It's like we are fish swimming comfortably in the water where it is nice and warm and then because of external circumstances or something happens inside to push us near the surface of the water so that we can breathe fresh air, break free and become something different. But then fear comes along and puts the kibosh on finally breaking the surface of the water and we swim back down again without realizing what else is possible.

We have to actually cultivate our discontent so that we stop fooling ourselves. Finally get fed up with this low-level, mediocre status quo that human beings are content to live with from day to day. Wake up and finally see that we can't waste our time while we are alive doing things that are unsatisfactory. Stop pretending that there is this other horizon that we can get to someday. Because while we wait for that someday to come we fall back into the same patterns. Accept mediocrity and mindless distractions on our way back down to the bottom of the dark ocean.

So my vitriol has a purpose. A highly optimistic purpose of propelling myself out of the depths of the murky water and breaking the surface. I am angry at myself for being so foolish for so long for placing blindfolds over my eyes and living a fear-based existence. So this is it, come hell or high water I am envisioning something better, something honest, something to get excited about.

Thinking you exist is the core error

Why would thinking that I exist be the core error? Ok, picture this, "you" are driving along the road and some "other" person gasses it out of a parking lot into the street and cuts you off and almost causes an accident.

Now, because you think that this other person is separate from you rather than simply an event happening in your perception, you have now separated yourself from that other person by thinking all sorts of nasty things. "What a fucking idiot"  "How could he just pull out right in front of me?"  and on and on in your attempt to create a "you" and an "other."  Look at this situation rationally. Is this not something that simply happened in your awareness? Think of how many things that you made up along your way of justifying all this anger at someone whom you have never met.  Nothing is ever more than an event occurring in your awareness. It is only the silly things that we make up and tell ourselves that causes all of these "unwanted" emotions.

Don't overlook the fact that I have placed the word unwanted in quotations. I do this because I am asking if those emotions are truly unwanted? To take a simple event in your awareness and spin it into some kind of you vs. the world scenario. You did that. All the other person did was pull out in front of you. So are the emotions of anger, frustration, etc unwanted if you have completely orchestrated the entire event of unpleasant feelings on yourself?

Now take this scenario and apply it to EVERY circumstance of your life. There are no exceptions here. You and You alone are responsible for how you feel. And when you drop the preposterous notion of separation do you see how foolish you have been.

Our One True Talent

I have been going on a bit about how I am discovering more and more how unintelligent I truly am and how little to no talent exists within me. And when I say "me" I mean as this illusory separate being of myself, distinct from the world. How is distinction even possible?? How is separation possible?

And here is where our true talent lies as individuals. This all-encompassing power to completely and utterly confound and confuse ourselves with the sole, and ridiculous goal of pretending that we are all separate entities. How is that even possible? How have I fooled myself for all these years!!??!  That is true talent. How in the world does anyone think that he or she exists?

I realize now that this is something that has been bubbling within me for many years and I have just been continually calling on this masterwork of deceit to fool me. What used to bubble up inside me was this idea that life was barely worth living. Like there was just a barren wasteland of existence and somehow I was just barely treading water. Living one-inch ahead of myself. That one inch was the only thing that kept me going, that living life was just barely a better choice than not living. And I would have moments of rage saying WTF am I doing? WTF am I living for???  And perhaps at the height of this grating against meaninglessness and purpose, I took a sleeping pill and charmed myself back into ignorance. And this, my friends, was my only talent.

The way I did this was through a hodge-podge spirituality. All peace and love and everything is beautiful. This talent is like going to the most putrid of all garbage dumps and arranging the toxic waste in a particular way and then convincing myself this is all lovely and treasured. What a bunch of shit! Some talent!  A talent that turns shit into pretty-shit. One big fucking oxy-moron.

The fact is that I never got real. Never woke up and took a look around and realized that what I was pretending was good and beautiful was dull, monotonous, petty, superficial, and nonsensical garbage. And those adjectives are a fitting description of modern day human society. Modern human society is a piece of fucking shit and we all stand around and hold hands and pretend that this heap of trash somehow, in the right lighting and appropriate sanitizing spray actually is tolerable.

Are you KIDDING ME!!  Our life here in the USA revolves around these holy things: eating, fucking, being mindlessly entertained, quarreling, and for many a variety of substances we can breath, snort, inject, or snort. And THIS ladies and gentlemen is what we call life. Yeah, a beautiful trash-heap of bullshit. And THAT is our talent. Making all of this tolerable, livable, and for some, "worth living"

The Heirophant

I have been looking through and studying my old tarot cards lately. A big help has been from my friend Silver Crow's book called "The Metaphysical Tarot Workbook."

I recently came across a card called The Heirophant and started delving into the meaning of what this card represents. To quote Silver Crow, in his workbook, The Heirophant "represents all the stubborn traits and mindless adherence to outworn ideas that human consciousness seems to need to bog itself down with...our obsession with putting limits and boundaries on The Spirit of God that resides within us."

This is interesting and important to me on this journey into Human Adulthood. Realizing my stubbornness, realizing my tendency towards self-congratulation, my "intelligence."  Thinking about my own intelligence kinda makes me laugh. I guess I have always considered myself "smart" but now I am realizing how dumb I actually am. What is being smart anyway? The only thing that I can claim maybe is a good memory and the ability to string words together that "sound" intelligent. Is that what we consider smart? What seems more and more clear is that the only smart thing is realizing how ignorant I am. How I think that I can put labels on things or know what a person should do to improve her life. I used to enjoy dispensing advice, but now I don't feel qualified. Or if I do, it's coming from somewhere else and I just need to get out of the way.

I can't lay claim to my clever ideas, inspirations, talents because they aren't mine and never were. Artists talk about a "muse" but what that really is happening is they have sufficiently opened themselves up to something much bigger. To claim that you are actually the source of talent and intelligence is what The Heirophant so cleverly does. Putting limits, acting puny in something called "individualism." Seems so gross now. So old-fashioned and boring.

The Heirophant also symbolizes our collective resistance to change. Why do we resist the one thing that can actually give our life some pizazz, something fresh? Oh yeah, thats right: fear. Boring old, worn to the bone, fear. Puke, puke, puke.

How can we be content?

How can we be content with the mystery of life? Why do we accept so much information from all of these outside sources (science, religion, media, whatever) and just shrug our shoulders and say, "ok."

Are people actually just ok with not knowing about life? Not knowing what the hell is going on? I am asking a lot of questions here without answers, but the mind boggling part is this: how are we just ok to live our lives either accepting meaninglessness or buying into some childish dogma that can't stand more than 2 minutes of scrutiny?

We actually haven't even solved the chicken or the egg question for ourselves, but we live as though the answer is obvious. But is it? We are nothing more than mindless robots programmed into believing all kinds of things. For instance, nutrition. I have been a hard-core vegetarian turned voracious meat eater with absolutely no change in the feeling of my well being. Who knows if anything that people say is good for us really is? Or what is bad isn't good? If we do experience some sort of relationship, which came first, the symptom or the belief that there could be a symptom?

Why do we act like lambs headed for the slaughter? Living...or being lived for some other larger machine without really taking anytime whatsoever to wonder. Even for a minute...what is real?  Thoreau said, "man's capacities have never been measured; nor are we to judge of what he can do by any precedents, so little has been tried." So little has been tried. So LITTLE has been tried! We know almost nothing through self-verification. How can we be content with that?

More about breathing

Why is breathing relevant to this blog? Well, if you have read some of the recent posts, you will see that the assertion is that you are completely responsible for the experience of your outside world and that it begins on the inside. The outside circumstances are only relevant according to your reactions to them. Until your thinking is smacked up, flipped, and reversed, you will continue the same old patterns. If your breathing is poor, your internal world isn't going to be at its optimum state. It's that simple, but you have to make the effort to begin by breathing right. I found this video that talks about proper breathing and this dude has some excellent advice. Check it out!

It's like this:

Alone in a forest, being chased by a big bad wolf, the faster you run, the faster the wolf runs, until suddenly, out of breath, exhausted, overwhelmed, you slump down behind a tree- only the tree turns out to be a wall with a light switch. You flip the switch, the lights go on to reveal a mirror, your reflection- you in a wolf costume.

Resistance is Futile

What are spiritual teachers on about when they talk about how we are limited beings, about seeking freedom, and waking up? We are all being boxed in by imagining ourselves victims of the world and how we somehow have to figure out where we fit in, how we can get our needs met, how we can experience joy. Most of this whole thing is determined by how we perceive other people. We are looking at a world where other people are going to give us a job, pay us a wage, bring us joy, and keep us not-alone . This is all because the biggest fear of the ego is of meaninglessness and being alone and ultimately of not existing at all. So the ego has created this vast network to make us completely convinced that A. We are not alone B. That we are at the mercy of external forces and C. We are limited by external forces and have little control over our lives.

Fear is the glue that holds this big network together. We have to be willing to completely reverse our attitudes about the world and our place within it. We all get to a point of being fed up with how things are working in our lives and we seek things to try to cope. But these coping strategies are really just ways that we waste our time. Addictions and things that distract us from looking directly at the truth are common (drugs, internet, TV, porn, etc.) Also practicing a particular spirituality is also likely to be a distraction. Let's all meditate, find peace, look up to a guru, blah blah blah. These are all ways that we can keep the ego safe and warm and in its comfortable home. Looking outside instead of inside. Looking at the world as a place where other people and circumstances control us is exactly how ego thrives. If you want to make a change, this is where you begin, by looking at how your ego is working to create exactly the conditions that you want rid of.

If I have characterized fear as something that we should fight against, resist, etc., then I apologize. Resistance is futile. Resistance is exactly what the ego would have us do. J. Krishnamurti hits the nail on the head talking about the best way to approach the issue of fear:

"It is not that you must be free from fear. The moment you try to free yourself from fear, you create resistance. Resistance in any form doesn't end fear. What is needed rather than running away or controlling or suppressing or any other resistance is understanding fear; that means to watch it, learn about it, come directly into contact with it"

If you want to change you have to make it the number one focus of your life. What could be more important? Recognize how you avoid fear. How do you distract yourself? How do you resist? All of this is knowable if we stop and look. Look at how you have enabled the ego. How you have enabled the outside world to determine the course of your life?

It's all YOU

"The white light of consciousness hits the prism of self. If the prism of self is gray and murky with ignorance, choked with fear, contaminated with ego, then so becomes the universe that radiates  out from it. It's that simple. As the prism becomes free of such flaws then the whole universe changes with it. It resolves into clarity, becomes brighter, more playful and magical. Because we are the lens through which it is projected, we are participants in its shape  and motion; co-creators of our own universe." -Jed McKenna

Fixing a Hole

"I'm fixing a hole where the rain gets in
And stops my mind from wandering
Where it will go"
-The Beatles

For the majority of my life I lived with an emotional sieve. Events and people could bleed my emotional energy straight through and it was if I had no say in the matter.

As a society, it seems we have simply gone along with the idea that there are emotions over which we have no control. Many feelings are a "natural" human response to life's ups and downs. Well who are we? Three year-old toddlers living in adult bodies??

A prime advantage of being human beings is that we can wake up to our situations and think about how we spend our emotional energy. It takes thought and focus to grow up emotionally and we can actually decide how and when we want to experience our emotions.

Contrary to popular belief, worry, anger, jealousy, guilt, frustration, anxiety, and any other unpleasant feelings can be placed under our control. This is not through the act of emotional suppression. Believe me, I've tried it and it doesn't work. Our emotions need to be spent when they arise, but the focus should be channeled more effectively. You must make the decision that you are not interested and no longer will put up with the feelings that make you feel bad. Direct your anger and frustration towards the feeling itself rather than what you perceive as the external cause of the feelings. The external event is completely irrelevant, unless perhaps you enjoy having your energy sucked out or get a kick out of handing your power over to other people and situations.

This takes practice and determination to plug up the emotional energy holes. For me it is still a work in progress, but I see the results clearly. Situations that used to make me angry or jealous wash over me and sometimes cause me to laugh instead. Get angry at your anger. Get frustrated at the frustration. This emotional energy gets channeled towards the feelings that you don't want and sooner than later you will see how ridiculous and childish you have been. You can't force people to act like you want them to or get yourself worked up enough to make people become better drivers or have better manners. You CAN decide how you respond to these situations and stop the perpetual motion machine of madness.

"Life is very short, and there is no time for fussing and fighting my friend" - The Beatles

All is Truth

O ME, man of slack faith for so long!
Standing aloof- denying portions so long;
Only aware to-day of compact, all-diffused truth;
Discovering to-day there is no lie, or form of lie, and can be none, but grows as
inevitably
upon
itself as the truth does upon itself,
Or as any law of the earth, or any natural production of the earth does.

(This is curious, and may not be realized immediately-But it must be
 realized;
I feel in myself that I represent falsehoods equally with the rest,
And the universe does.)

Where has failed a perfect return, indifferent to lies or the truth?
Is it upon the ground, or in water or fire? or in the spirit of man? or in the
meat and
blood?

Meditating on liars, and retreating sternly into myself, I see that there
are really no
liars or
lies after all,
And that nothing fails its perfect return- And that what are called lies are
perfect
returns,
And that each thing exactly represents itself, and what has preceded it,
And that truth includes all, and is compact, just as much as space is
compact,
And that there is no flaw or vacuum in the amount of truth- but that all is
truth
without
exception
And henceforth I will go celebrate anything I see or am,
And sing and laugh, and deny nothing.

-Walt Whitman

Caveat

There is a caveat to the previous posting that I am compelled to share. The idea of frustration and appreciation isn't quite as cut and dry as I portrayed it to be. It would seem as though I am saying don't ever get frustrated. The fact is that there isn't much benefit to suppressing emotions. In fact, the opposite could be true.

There is healthy frustration. It is even the kind of frustration that could lead to disgust. But it is central to the idea that I expressed when I am talking about how there is no 'you' in you. We should be frustrated and disgusted by the fact that we keep insisting that there is such a thing as an "I." Because it is that very misperception that leads us to all of the feelings that we generally don't want. Getting frustrated at the fact you get frustrated is generating energy that will help you bust through that kind of paradigm.

But the only healthy frustration is directed inward at the feelings that you don't want and the beliefs that have left you in an unsatisfying life. This inward frustration is NOT like self-blame. The self-defeating thoughts like, "Oh I shouldn't have done that" or "oh no maybe I said the wrong thing" aren't going to get you anywhere. I am talking about getting utterly fed up with the fact that things in the outside world have some sort of power to influence your emotional state of mind. It boggles my mind that I spent the majority of my life simply accepting the fact that an idiot on the road could shake my state of mind. That I would continue to allow a pattern of jealousy to take control of my feelings. That I would worry about the most inane things or that I would even worry at all. These are the types of things you should be sick of. Let them disgust you, rather than getting hung up on the external event that gives you the bad feeling. Look at the feeling itself and decide how you are fed up with it. Reupholster the interior of yourself.

Trying in vain to change the exterior environment by giving attitude or acting prideful will keep you on a hamster wheel rolling towards the nowhere destination of "I."

No such thing as "I"

What are you? This is kinda the ultimate question. The question that we really don't want to ask because the truth is a bit uncomfortable. But the fact is, "you" as an entity in isolation don't exist. We all speak in terms of "I."  I went to the store today. I am angry at her. I don't like eating squid. The only use the "I" has for our purposes is for communication. Otherwise it's a myth we perpetuate. A limiting myth. There is no you in you.

We exist in a soup of external and internal influences and yes, perhaps there is a body that moves, a mind that thinks, but there is no you. There is no me. We misinterpret all of the things that we are doing as something that I do or he does. But the fact is, it is all just happening. You have nothing to feel guilty about and you have nothing to be proud of.

The only thing that maybe we are able to do is decide to feel frustration or appreciation for our circumstances. Frustration is a state of low energy and therefore low energy (unfun) things happen. Appreciation is the function of high energy. If we actually do have a role to play it is from either of those 2 standpoints. If you feel frustrated, try appreciating. It's that easy. There is no other power or control of which you are capable.

When we truly have looked within to see that there is not any sort of "I" lurking inside, the notion of feeling anger, blame, envy, or other yucky stuff towards someone else seems utterly absurd. There is no separation. You are everything. To send any other kind of energy away from yourself other than love, acceptance, joy, appreciation or other fun stuff is only, I repeat, ONLY hurtful to you. Because you ARE everything that you see, feel, taste, smell, hear. So let's stop the insanity.

"You got the power to let power go?"  - Kanye West

The Fear

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don’t care about clever I don’t care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuck loads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

And I’ll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
Cause everyone knows that’s how you get famous
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah I’m on to a winner
 I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

Life’s about film stars and less about mothers
It’s all about fast cars and cussing each other
But it doesn’t matter cause I’m packing plastic
and that’s what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault it’s how I’m programmed to function
I’ll look at the sun and I’ll look in the mirror
I’m on the right track yeah we're on to a winner
 I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear
 Forget about guns and forget ammunition
Cause I’m killing them all on my own little mission
Now I’m not a saint but I’m not a sinner
Now everything's cool as long as I’m gettin thinner
 I don’t know what’s right and what’s real anymore
I don’t know how I’m meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
‘Cause I’m being taken over by the fear

The inordinate amout of bullshit

I have been thinking a bit about the ways in which people go about their lives in denial of reality. It boggles my mind really, how much bullshit is and was taking up mental space in my head.

I look back to my years in college. Only a small fraction of it was interesting and worthwhile, but still I did it. Kept doing it. Einstein's idea of insanity, right? And I think back to the papers that I had to write and how the act of bullshitting was rewarded. I mean how much of life is based on the talent of bullshitting? He who bullshits best wins? If I can submit a paper to a college professor and earn an 'A' based on a few sprinkled facts and a sack-load of bullshit, what does that mean about our society?

When people are filling up space and not living passionately, that is, not doing a job that they honestly care about, we end up with a world where bullshit is routinely dressed up, sprayed with febreeze, and shoved around to a bunch of people who don't really care. That's not life, it isn't living. How many people would happily fall from the WTC if they woke up and realized how much bullshit is filling up their world? Even love is buried in a huge heap of ego and bullshit. When someone can't even make up their mind to live their life the way they want to because it might "hurt" someone else is ridiculous. Who is this person that you would "hurt" and how in the world are they loving you to hold you back from such a thing?

Get real, stop the bullshit, live the life that you dream about or go jump off a building for God's sake.

September 11th, 2001

"I worked ten hours a day and commuted two. I cooked, cleaned, shopped, paid bills, and was lucky to get four hours of sleep at night. I told myself it was all for the children, but I always knew that was a lie. We could have done much better for the kids. We were just stamping out more versions of ourselves because that's all we knew how to do. We became just like our parents because we didn't know who else to be. That's what I'm thinking as I fall, that it's hard to be sad because I don't know who's dying. What does it matter that I'm gone if I was never really here? I'm seconds away from the end of a life that was never really mine. I was all these people but I was never me,  and now it's a beautiful September morning and my life is over and I don't know who to be."

Your world is only a representation of your mind

Kooky idea?

Ok, then I ask you: Is your world amazing, playful, joy-filled, and beautiful?

If so, consider your internal world. The only way that your world is like those above adjectives is because your internal thoughts could be described exactly the same way.

If the opposite is true, Here is something that could help you: Breathing.

Conscious, deep breaths are very calming to your thoughts. If you are fearful, anxious, worried, try it. Pay attention as often as you can to deep, belly-expanding breaths. If your internal world is calm, there is simply no way that the external won't be as well. 

Have you ever thought?

"Men fear thought more than they fear anything else on earth- more than ruin, more than even death. Thought is subversive and revolutionary, destructive and terrible; thought is merciless to privilege, established institutions, and comfortable habits; thought is anarchic and lawless, indifferent to authority, careless of the well-tried wisdom of the ages. Thought looks into the pit of hell and is not afraid. It sees man, a feeble speck, surrounded by unfathomable depths of silence; yet bears itself proudly, as unmoved as if it were lord of the universe. Thought is great and swift and free, the light of the world, and the chief glory of man. But if thought is to become the possession of the many, not the privilege of the few, we must have done with fear. It is fear that holds men back- fear lest their cherished beliefs should prove delusions, fear lest the institutions by which they live should prove harmful, fear lest they themselves should prove less worthy of respect than they have supposed themselves to be." - Bertrand Russell

After reading this the first time, I really didn't see how this could be true. Now I can't see how it couldn't not be true.

I spent time in 2 small downtown metro areas this week and saw the people coming and going. The same thing that they likely do every day. Over and over again. And that is how I know the above statement is the truth. And I even found myself thinking of the people who have influenced me in my life and felt anger and frustration about the fact that they never really spent any valuable time thinking about reality and how their lives are just being tossed in the trash. We find all kinds of excuses to rationalize why we do what we do rather than thinking about exactly what and why we do them.  But, as I always do, I realized that my anger and frustration was simply at myself for doing exactly the same thing for years and years. Not thinking. Not realizing that I was slowly flushing my life in the toilet.

This is what thought does, it leads you to uncomfortable realizations. But these realizations are exactly the fuel that is needed for change.

What If?

What if, today, this very moment, you made the following decision: "I will no longer do anything that I do not want to do."

What if?

So, now what happens is a voice comes in your head to explain to you the numerous ways why you couldn't possibly make such a decision. Now, if there was ever a time that you didn't know what the "ego" was, now you do. It is that exact voice. The one that thinks it has it all figured out. The voice who is making up all of those reasons why life can't be like you wish it to be.

What is that voice? How is it so certain? How does it create that fear fence that holds us apart from our dreams?

Human Adults and Human Children

My greatest aspiration in life is to become what Jed McKenna calls a “Human Adult.” He asserts that the world is comprised mostly of “Human Children” mainly because we don’t understand that there is anything such as a Human Adult to which we can aspire. In the coming days I will be talking a lot about this topic because it is THE subject of intense focus of my life and weaves perfectly into my goal of this blog, which is to help people at the individual level to effect change in their lives. The change I speak of is based on the awareness and transcendence of fear.

In his book, Spiritual Warfare, McKenna explains that the human race lives life kind of like a grasshopper that has been caught by a spider. The grasshopper is still alive, but wrapped in layers of the web. Alive, but not alive.  Thoreau suggests, at the end of Walden, “only that day dawns to which we are awake.”  In fact, I would go as far as to say that Thoreau is giving perhaps one of the first, most detailed accounts of what life as a Human Adult is like. Thoreau’s “mass of men leading lives of quiet desperation” are the Human Children who are sleeping through an unsatisfying existence.

As an introduction, I will note the traits of Human Adults and Human Children.

­Human Children

Fear-based, worrying, selfish, believe in reality of past and future, asleep, addicted, seeking  to be controlled, controlling, blaming, questioning, unknowingly ignorant, petty, dishonest, believe in imperfection, materialistic

Human Adults

Gratitude-based, surrendering, in the moment, awake, unencumbered, selfless, certain, appreciating, knowingly ignorant, magnanimous, honest, accepting of perfection, content, manifesting authentic desires, simple, finding of true calling

DIY HDT

In my last Thoreau post I was complaining about the fact that we are continuing to live our lives in exactly the same way for generations and generations. There is nothing new under the sun that truly represents engagement with new forms of art or new ways of life. Thoreau's idea was thus, "One generation abandons the enterprises of another like stranded vessels."

If we weren't so content with mediocrity and keeping the status quo, perhaps Thoreau's vision would be realized. But like I have stated repeatedly in this blog: we as a human race are strapped down by the forces of fear. One of the main purposes of this blog is to get the message out so that we take an honest look at the role fear plays in our lives at the individual level. It would be nice to affect change in the world, but this is mainly about what a single person can do to make a real change for him or herself. And I think Thoreau has some good suggestions.

"...find encouragement and inspiration in precisely the present condition of things, and cherish it with the fondness and enthusiasm of lovers"

Forget the past, stop worrying about the future. Life is right here; it's happening now. There will never be a time in your life that is not right now. So embrace what ever is happening. Forgive the people who you say have done you wrong because that keeps you stuck in the past and hurts only you. Who knows why people do what they do? By not forgiving you are asserting your own false ego by saying that you are better than they are. And that is never the truth, just a shadowy, imaginary thing that keeps you stuck. If you claim that you know for sure that everyone is not always doing the best that they can, you are living in a false reality where somehow you have been given the knowledge of God to judge. And worrying about the future is equally as futile. Accept fully everything that happens as if you planned it exactly to be that way. Because you have.

"Live in all respects so compactly and preparedly that, if an enemy take the town, he can, like the old philosopher, walk out the gate empty-handed without anxiety"

Henry is encouraging us to give up attachment to things. The material objects of the world are transitory and we have spent a large part of our culture becoming a slave to inanimate objects. If all of the contents of your home were robbed, would it really be such a big deal? What is it that you truly need?

"This spending of the best part of one's life earning money in order to enjoy a questionable liberty during the least valuable part of it, reminds me of the Englishmen who went to India to make a fortune first, in order that he might return to England and live the life of a poet. He should have gone up garret at once."

It completely amazes me that as a society we are content with handing over our lives to corporations or ways of making money that are unsatisfying, stressful, and unfulfilling. It amazes me even more that I didn't question this idea more strongly and spent years and money towards a career that was absolutely NOT what I wished to spend the best part of my life doing. What is going on? Why do we do this to ourselves? Well, the obvious answer is fear, but more importantly it's the fact that we are sleeping our way through life. Working for the weekend. Working to make money to do fun things that we scarcely have the time to enjoy. Is money that precious or are we guilty, like I am, of not investing the energy and thought in the direction of those things that light the fires of our passion? Thoreau says, "Let not to get a living be thy trade, but thy sport."

"All nature is your congratulation, and you have cause momentarily to bless yourself"

Take the time to appreciate nature. It seems that it is an innate characteristic of being alive that we are abundantly blessed with the ability to take joy in our natural surroundings. Go camping. Get a birdfeeder. Go for a walk and find your favorite tree. Henry is probably rolling in his grave at the sight of how disconnected from nature we are. There is a satisfying and awe-inspiring effect that nature has on our lives. We simply just have to notice : )

The Irritation Game

A little game I like to play with myself is to look inside and find out what I am irritated by. It's fun because it always helps me move forward and always keeps me honest with myself.

If you aren't honest with yourself, then you are destined to keep running in that hamster wheel of life.

Here's what I do:  I either catch myself at the moments when I find myself irritated at other people or sometimes I simply look inside and figure out what my triggers are. Then I ask myself why. Why am I irritated by this person or triggered by a particular thing? And the same answer comes up time and time again. There is something that I don't like about myself or something that I am not being honest about.

For instance, people who act like they know stuff REALLY has the power to irritate me. Why? Well, I have played the know-it-all act for most of my life. Acting as if I know the answers. The reality is, as I have said here before on the blog, is that I don't know shit. (Keep that in mind anytime I act like I do or write as if I do)

So, that's why people that act like they know stuff annoys me. Because it is a part of myself I dislike. In fact, I challenge anybody to take an honest look at the things that trigger them and you will find that it is intimately linked to something that you don't like about you.

We are much better off behaving and thinking like the ignorant beings that we all are. Socrates said, "I do not think that I know what I don't know." And he further explained that the only real difference between him and other people was the fact that he had an understanding of his own ignorance.

The only things we know for sure is that we are experiencing the world with our own senses. Oprah actually has a list of Things She Knows For Sure   I actually kind of like her list, but these things are true for her and you have to verify them for yourself. And the question I would ask is, how do you really know for sure each and every time? Make your own list, but beware that they are mainly just your own thoughts and opinions and that we actually really don't know shit ; )

Oh, Henry!

“How can he remember well his ignorance- which his growth requires- who has so often to use his knowledge”

I think Thoreau is expressing the fact that society promotes continual use of what we know and how we are perpetually adding on to existing knowledge, nowadays through the media of television and internet, that we forget what we don’t know. Humility is a virtuous trait when it comes to our own knowledge. We have to be willing to realize that we don’t know that much. In fact we know hardly ANYTHING from direct experience. We continually take the word of so-called “experts” and keep adding to a belief system based on endless information. Even science is subject to so many biases and distortions that we truly cannot accept ANYTHING without first-hand experience.  He was big on the notion that you need to try things out for yourself. What information do you accept with blind faith? More importantly, what type of behaviors have you adopted based on what somebody else tells you?

“The Finest Qualities of our nature, like the bloom on fruits, can be preserved only by the most delicate handling. Yet we do not treat ourselves nor one another so tenderly.”

I would say this quote speaks for itself.

“It is never too late to give up our prejudices”

Amen, Henry!

“If I have any experience which I think valuable, I am sure to reflect that this my mentors said nothing about…so little has been tried”

Oh, Henry!  I love this quote because one of his assertions is that we rarely accomplish anything new. The mass of men, as Thoreau calls us, are living mostly the exact same lives that our parents lived and theirs before them. Yeah, we may have more convenient technology, but what is the point of existing to just keep the cycle going endlessly? The same thing. Grow up. Go to school. Get a job. Have a family. Die. Repeat. Where is the new frontier? What is the last thing that was radically new? Like Henry says, so little has been tried because we keep living the same fucking lives. Fear keeps us this puny little nothing race that has nothing to offer especially to this beautiful planet that we are trashing. We are human beings with the intelligence and materials to continue to expand and create. All we create is something to stick on a wall or titillate our senses.  I am sorry, artists, but I’ve seen enough paintings and the movies that come out are mostly the same goddamn stories rehashed. Is this all we are limited to? Let’s turn off the television and think of something radical that doesn’t require a paintbrush or a computer. Aren’t we better than this??

2 Links 2 Share

Thanks to KC for this one: http://advancedriskology.com/sunk-costs/

This seems to be somebody who likes straight talk, and I admire that : )

Thanks to Mamasu for this comedy and honesty gem!

What is Energy?

If you have spent any time around New Age freaks and goofs you have likely heard the word “energy” or “vibes” tossed around with little explanation. These terms have also been infused into common vernacular with comments like “eww she has a really bad energy” or “ I really like the vibe in this room.”

What the hell are people talking about? Well, I have come to the realization that maybe those New Agers aren’t so freaky or goofy and perhaps there is something to this idea of energy. This realization seems to be coming to me over the soul searching that I have been doing in regards to money. Money is simply a representation of energy (and not a very good one actually).

The issue also came up during my retreat through an internal voice that said, “I no longer want money as a parent.” Well the last time I checked, money wasn’t changing my diapers or pushing my stroller around the zoo. So what does that mean? I think it means that what we have done as a society is set up this monetary system as a parental figure. Fear makes us desperate for something to control us so we don’t feel scared about being in control. That is the irrationality of fear: trade one scary thing for another, but dress it up as something that only seems less scary.

Let’s face the facts people. We are scared of being in control of our own lives. And the people who appear to like being in control are the most scared. So, we have set up the system of money so that it has the seeming power to control us. Look at the world you live in. How much power do you give away daily? By having a boss who is in charge. A government to watch over you. An literal parent still controlling your life even though he is sitting in a nursing home. And then at the end of the day we let the television suck out what’s left of it.

So, my own fears about money have led me to the point where I am literally sick of it having control of my life and praying for a way to release its power and reclaim my own.  And the idea of energy is now starting to make more sense to me. The energy I put out is always given back to me. And most of the time the energy returned is in surplus of what I have expended.

Can you honestly answer the question, “what is money?” I mean really get down to the root of what it is? Paper?  What is behind it? Gold in some stockroom that none of us have laid eyes upon? Numbers being added and subtracted in a computer at some bank by God knows who?  Speculation passed around by companies and governments? I mean, somebody please tell me what the fuck it is!?!!?

So how do I remove the power of money? I think the answer is energy.  We put out energy into the world by noticing beautiful things. By loving the people that we care about and even ones that we don’t. By noticing my own joy and encouraging the joy in others. And overall, through appreciating and the gratitude that we take the time to send out back into the world. As long as I am doing that, money loses its power. Because it has no actual power. Meister Eckhart has a famous quote, “If the only prayer you ever say in your whole life is thank you, that would suffice.”

If I am allowing fear to run my life, if I am concentrating on more negative things than positive, if I am not appreciating life then I am sucking energy out and it is not being returned to me. If I am doing my job of taking the time to dedicate myself to my passion, enjoying what is around me, and using the moment to express gratitude, money no longer needs to neither remain a fear nor rule my world. And you skeptics out there who think I am full of shit have actually done all of these things that I am talking about, right?

So, I made the comment about money not being a good substitute for energy because it has no real value. Energy has value in terms of its expression in our lives. I don’t care if it is money that I am getting back or a fresh fruit basket that comes to my door by a smiling and sexy deliverer. The joy is what gets returned. There are plenty of trust-fund babies who have tons of money coming to them without any seeming energy being expended. But what is the money truly affording them? If they are experiencing joy from the money it can only be because they are putting joy back out into their world. So, don’t judge people by the amount of money they have, rather, judge them by the amount of joy they experience and follow THAT example.

Walden's Inspiration

Hey everybody! As I mentioned before, I am going to share some inspirational quotes from Henry David Thoreau's "Walden" which I read during my rehab retreat.

I want to stick with the subject of internet and television addiction for just a bit because I was strongly inspired during my retreat to address this issue for myself and share it with you guys on the blog. Also, Thoreau's writing is very applicable in today's world despite the fact that it was written over 150 years ago. I would go as far as saying that his writing is even MORE applicable today because of the influence of television and internet in modern culture.

"Most of the luxuries and many of the so-called comforts of life are not only not indispensable, but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind." 

This quote made me consider the fact that our own imagination and creativity is not engaged in the act of watching television and surfing the web. I have heard people express dismay over the fact that we haven't seen the likes of Einstein since he has passed away in the 1950's. Sure, we have some inspiring and smart people, but nobody that has expanded our thinking of the universe as far as he did. And I always remember Einstein's quote, "imagination is more important than knowledge."  So where is the new Einstein? Is he sitting at home playing video games instead of wondering about the cosmos?

"Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end"

So somebody please tell me what the last great invention has been!?!  Many would say the internet, but let's be honest, what has it really done for us? For our lives? Ok, so yes it has been used to share some important information and dismantle some corrupt governments in the Middle East. And I admit that it has some good qualities. I love laughing at the newest YouTube silliness and I am obviously making use of it now. But it has hardly been an agent of social change in this country. About the best it does here is promote the cult of celebrity or help you reconnect with an old boyfriend. I will admit to being wrong here if I am being narrow minded, but I need some help being convinced.

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things which he can afford to let alone"

I love this quote. If only because it appeals to my non-conformist (wink, KC) bent that I seem to have. But, in addition to that, Thoreau is honestly trying to get the message out that our lives are not being improved by the luxuries of life. If we are not engaging our creativity or interacting with nature, how is it possible to have a fulfilling life? I am not saying there aren't other ways, but I haven't heard about them. The television and the internet may expose us to some interesting and valuable ideas, but if all we are doing with those ideas is putting them in the back of our mind so we can watch the next episode of "Jersey Shore," what the hell is the point?

"If men would steadily observe realities only, and not allow themselves to be deluded, life to compare it with such things as we know, would be like a fairy tale and the Arabian Nights Entertainments"

What I think Thoreau is trying to express here is that we are walling ourselves off from a greater, richer, more glorious reality when we allow ourselves to be deluded. Sure it is great to get swept away in a good movie or just relax with a mindless show once in a while, but we have to realize that without the steady engagement of imagination and creativity, we are blocking ourselves off from real life. And, according to Thoreau, "reality is fabulous." But, how would we know this? We have spent out entire lives being plugged in to the boob tube or reading about what kind of dress Kim Kardashian wore when she was served with divorce papers. But try it out for yourself. What is the longest stretch of time that you went without seeing a TV or looking at a computer screen?

I am not sure what this reality is that Thoreau is talking about, but I have glimpsed it. Since I have seriously restricted myself from the internet since my retreat, I have felt more motivated, have been waking up earlier, and have a more palpable sense of joie de vivre   Try it for yourself, you won't believe me until you do.

"That which puts out our eyes is darkness to us. Only that day dawns to which we are awake"

Ok, so this might be my favorite. What Thoreau is effectively saying is that unless we are using our own eyes, hearts, and minds, we are essentially in the dark. And this is what TV and internet does. It shuts off our own brain and we are linked in to somebody else's creativity and imagination. He goes even further to say that the mass of men are "asleep" in the sense that we are not seeing the true reality of the world because we are too busy looking at what other people are creating. It's time to wake the fuck up. I am not saying that television and internet should be banned. How could I talk to you here? What I am saying is notice how dependent you are on technology. Notice how we walk into a living room and without even thinking about it we have turned on the television and 3 hours later realize that we haven't moved from the couch the whole time. Notice how the simple intention of going to check your email leads you to an endless search to see if you can win a Publisher's Clearing House prize or find out about Justin Bieber having sex in a public bathroom.