The Drought

It would be difficult to exaggerate the miracle it is to stop giving a shit about what other people think about you.

Now, I am not saying that this is about saying a big "screw you!" to people. In fact, it's more about saying "screw you!" to yourself.

What I realized about myself was that a vast majority of my life was being spent being concerned about how people saw me through their eyes. Until you really look at it, it is mostly an unconscious thing. This is what a lot of thinkers and writers are speaking of when they talk about the EGO.

The ego is the false self. This is the face that you put on for people that is really not you. I remember seeing it and not knowing what it was even when I was a kid. This false self is not as strong with the people that you are intimate with. Have you ever noticed that people who are really close to each other often treat other people better? This is true many times with romantic partners.

My father (sorry, dad, if you ever read this) would put on this particular face with his friends and strangers. I noticed that he actually would treat other people better than he would treat his wife. Now don't get me wrong. He treated his wife very well. What I am talking about is that friendly openness and charm that comes out when you are around people that aren't as close to you as somebody you live with. I remember that she would point this out to him, how he was nicer to his friends than to her. I'm not sure if he agreed, but I certainly could see it. And as I got older I did EXACTLY the same thing. It's kinda along the lines of "you always hurt the ones you love." But most of the time it isn't hurting necessarily, it's just that your ego is less active with people who really know you well.

Let me give some other examples of this false self that I succumbed to and still have to vigilantly monitor. For instance, I would occasionally drink red wine. Now I am telling the truth when I say that I think that red wine is mostly disgusting. I can drink a glass here and there, but I don't really like it. I am sure that many people have acquired a taste for it, but as much as I have had red wine, it has never appealed to me. However, after watching a movie called "Sideways" I got it my head that drinking red wine was cool. Not just any red wine, Pinot Noir specifically. God forbid I would have Merlot. Now, my taste buds are not so sensitive to know the difference, but my ego knew. Pinot Noir is cool. I want other people to be aware of my preference for the superior quality of Pinot Noir. For crying out loud, give me a beer or a glass of cheap white wine. Better yet, give me a glass of milk.

One of my greatest joys in life is music. And my ego would even creep in here to monitor what type of music I would listen to. My ego would pay attention to what was cool and what I wanted other people to know that I listened to. And concerts, probably my favorite thing to do, would be corrupted by this noxious ego. There were times that I didn't fully enjoy the concert experience because I was more worried about whether or not other concert goers would notice that I could lip-sync the lyrics to the songs really well. Are you kidding me??!! Talk about nonsense.

 These are just a couple of examples of how the ego can really control who you are. For me it was a constant thing. Always hyper-aware of how other people would see me. But the crazier thing was, it was my interpretation of how they saw me, not necessarily what they did see. It was particularly strong when it came to my physical appearance. I always was critical about how I appeared and would constantly monitor this. It led me to feelings of inadequacy when I perceived people as better looking than me.

The ego is a consumer of your soul's energy. If you can get to the point where you stop caring about what other people think, it frees up so much of this energy and you start to notice more and more the beauty of life around you. Gratitude comes more and fear comes less. Many people may not relate specifically with the way my ego affected me. But look at your own unique hangups. Where are you spending the majority of your mental energy? What are the things that you take so personally that really aren't that important?

This highlights the need I already mentioned for people to find that thing that they become selfless within. For some it is dedicating their life to their family. For others it might be their work or their art. But the idea is to stop the wasting of energy that the ego consumes and that is a breeding ground for fear.

I was driving back from Cannon Beach today and a song popped up while I was shuffling through. It is, fittingly, by a band from Portland called Horse Feathers. The song is called, "The Drought." It made me think of the ego's influence in my life. How it created a drought of the soul all of my life. It is a shockingly beautiful song. Check it out. And pay attention to the lyrics.


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