From Selfish to Selfless

I mentioned in the posting titled 'Jed McKenna' that there were some of his concepts that I didn't quite get until I actually stepped foot out into the wide open world and into this new life.

The process before coming out here was selfish in the extreme. It actually opened me up to a whole new world of selfishness that I suppressed for a long time. I was a vegetarian for 12 years because I was so worried about hurting animals and felt enormous guilt for so long. In fact, guilt was my particular brand of fear that I subscribed to in many ways. Well, the vegetarian thing completely dropped away and other interesting things opened up for me.

But they were all very selfish and self-indulgent. And, as you know, this whole process culminated in the supremely selfish act of just dropping everything and leaving a mess behind. This is the part that never made sense to me when it came to Jed. He emphasized this idea that you have to dedicate yourself to something bigger than you in order for the universe to open up to you. Everything else was working, but I couldn't figure out how to fit the 'selfless' thing into the whole picture.

I had been thinking about this a bit and an email from my grandmother in response to the bus incident made me realize that it was time to talk about this important part. She read the bus story and explained to me that she lived her whole childhood "encased in fear." She goes on further to explain that when she became a mother that she "put fear on the back burner and never looked back."

When I read this, I was like wow. This is so true! Many woman describe motherhood in this way. You forget about yourself and are now dedicated to something bigger than you. This clears away the fog of fear like the sun piercing thru the clouds. It allows true love to enter and you step into a whole new life.

And this is the experience I had after being found in the shopping center that day in San Francisco. I came to realize that my life was really no longer my own anymore. Just like a mother does when she now has a child to care for. That is what this blog is now for me. It's like a child. I no longer feel self-indulgent and have dedicated myself to something much bigger than stupid old, boring, tired, me. My life now belongs to the world. Whatever messages that come thru clearly that may be of help to you guys is what matters to me. It's like daily I experience less and less self-interest since I started. I am obsessed with the 3 W's now. Watching, waiting, and writing. And to my friend's that know me…keep your fingers crossed that it is more than just a "Rocky-Phase" because never before has something felt more real and more important.

So here is the message: you have to figure out what that thing is that is bigger than you that you can lose yourself in. That is where you can find your happiness…"following your bliss" like Joseph Campbell says isn't about sex, drugs, and rock-n-roll. You will discover that true bliss comes from giving up yourself in something that drives you to forget who the hell you are. Who the hell you are is what is stopping you dead in your tracks.

Please comment, ask questions. This is what I am living for you guys. I want to be as helpful as possible and I can do that if you challenge me. Don't be nice and fluffy. Tell me that my ideas suck and why you disagree.