Greythoven's 5th

So, my grandmother has been reading my blog and she asked me, "why are you so obsessed with death?"

If I have given that impression, I apologize. I would say that I am more obsessed with fear. Fear because I have recognized its overwhelming influence in our lives. And so far, I have been inspired to talk about it and expose it for the limiting effects it has in an individual's life and larger society.

So anyway, I left California and came here to Oregon. I decided to take the Greyhound bus since it was cheaper than an airline ticket. What I have realized is that when you do this kinda thing that I am doing you become more aware of what's going on around you. I'm realizing that my life isn't my life anymore. I know that I have a specific thing to do and I am living for it rather than whatever the hell I was doing before.

So, my job now is to pay attention and look deeper into situations and see how they play a roll in what I am going to write about. Well, I got a ringside seat to a whole fear-symphony on the Greyhound trip. It highlighted so many important factors about the nature of fear, that I knew I had to write about it here.

First of all, if you have never taken a Greyhound bus, you have to understand that it attracts the dregs of society (wait, am I one of those now?). This bus was pretty packed. I was one of the first on the bus so I saw a lot of people going by. I noticed this one kinda twitchy guy get on. He was not paying attention to much and swung and hit a Hispanic lady with his bags. He was in his own world and looked a little freaked out.

Fast forward to about 4 hours into the ride. I actually fell asleep and awoke to a bunch of screaming and the bus violently pulling over. Apparently, this twitchy guy (who was white) got into a fight with another passenger. Mr. Twitchy felt the need to announce that it was a "black guy" who was hitting him. I don't know why but white people are so very scared of black people. A lot of yelling and commotion ensued and the bus driver came out and took full authority and started yelling back to tell them to stop. It calmed down and Mr. Twitchy had to move.  Guess who had an empty seat next to him? Yep! I was like, ok universe, you have my attention.

So, the bus continues a short way and for some reason the bus driver decided to pull over at a truck stop area. He made an announcement that we were stopping briefly and nobody was to get off the bus while he handled his business. The black, formerly fighting passenger, decided that he needed to get off to have a cigarette. His nerves were probably heightened and somehow smokers find smoking to have a calming affect. Well, the bus driver was having none of it. He and the black guy got into a very heated argument about letting him off the bus and it went on for several minutes.

Fear is sometimes disguised as bravery. And I think that this is what was happening with the bus driver. He had his authoritarian role to play and he was not backing down. His fear involved losing control. In my mind I was like just let the guy off and smoke his cigarette and calm down. Instead, the bus driver went to the extreme measure of physically blocking the guy so he couldn't get off. They were both yelling loudly, passengers were getting more and more excited and babies were crying.

Finally the guy pushed through the bus driver and got off the bus. Police were called. In the meantime, Mr. Twitchy was talking to me about how the black guy was mad at him because he kept wiggling in his seat and wouldn't calm down. This unnerved the black guy and apparently caused the original fight. Fear was very strong in Mr. Twitchy. He wore it on his sleeve and caused all sorts of problems and was what began this whole scene. Keep in mind we are at the beginning of the Cascade mountains, and here I am a witness to the cascading effects that fear causes. Coincidence? You tell me.

So now while the police are being called, someone yells, "Call an ambulance!" Another passenger was in the midst of a seizure. So now everybody is getting off the bus while some were staying close to the seizure victim. I was determined to stay in my seat and take notes…this was too rich! Was fear the cause of this guy going into a seizure at the height of panic on the bus? It's my assumption that fear-induced stress is a HUGE factor in all kinds of physical ailments. While I am taking my notes, another passenger runs off the bus and I can hear him puking right outside. Why was he puking? Ok, you get the idea now.

So the police came and Mr. Twitchy gets off to go talk to the police. Paramedics arrive to take away the seizing dude. And here I am at a truck stop in Redding, CA listening to this fear symphony. Music to my ears.

To my surprise Mr. Twitchy ends up not getting back on (his nerves probably just couldn't take it). And more to my surprise, the bus driver and the black guy worked it out and the black guy DOES get back on the bus. And we are off again into the cold night.

So, another hour goes by and we arrive at our next stop. This was a bus station in some small very northern Californian town and the driver announces that we can have a bathroom break. This was the driver's last stop and he was handing it off to the next driver. The driver gets off the bus and has a conversation that I can hear with the new driver and the black guy. The old driver explains the situation to the new driver. The new driver tells that black guy that she will have absolutely no shenanigans and the black guy is expressing to her his victimhood in the whole matter. While the black guy and the new driver are having their conversation, the old driver comes back on to get his things. And here is where the symphony reaches its crescendo. He says (verbatim here cuz I'm still taking notes), "I hate drama, but some people insist on having it!"

And here it is folks, the good ol' D&P. Denial and perpetuation. The bus driver was as much to blame here as anybody was. Are bus drivers trained to physically restrain people from getting off the bus? The people on the bus would have all heaved a sigh of relief to have this loose cannon get off and calm down. It was clear that the bus driver was going beyond his duty out of fear and the fear swelled up even further and at least 2 people were physically affected. And now here was the bus driver completely oblivious to the role he played. This denial is what perpetuates the symptoms of fear in our lives. We need awareness and it has to start on the individual level. Look. Listen. Dig it out. It stops when we shine a light on it.