From frazzled to dazzled

Thanks for the response Jonathan. I was kinda frazzled last night and your message frazzled me even more. But I gave it time and realized that being frazzled in this way is what I need. I approached this from every angle in my mind  before doing this and to have it examined by other people is good. If there are any doubts that I can't satisfy for myself then I made the wrong decision. And your message gave me some doubts and that was a sign that you really thought this out and called me out on the carpet like I should be, so thank you. Being a little frazzled last night and then reading this message that frazzled me more gave me a clear signal that waiting patiently, sleeping on it is always the best strategy.  I woke up today clear headed with clear responses to Jonathan's questions. At first I thought that explaining all this would be too much. Just give it up, I can't worry about whether or not people see this from my point of view. But that's not the point of this blog. The point of this blog is to describe my process and let the world decide whether or not it is relevant in their lives. Jonathan's comments are starred and my responses follow:


**I think that the "very specific event" that made you change your mind about disappearing completely does matter--It's a key plot to your story here. **

Beginning this process required that I trust a life force bigger than me. Trusting is a key component to this. This means that I have to wait and watch and make decisions based on what feels right rather than making a choice reactively out of fear. My initial decision was that at some point I would disappear from society. Leave everyone. Why?  I no longer wanted to spend any energy on maintaining a self image. Contemplating fear and death for me was an isolating process. Towards the end of my days in Pittsburgh, I isolated myself because I no longer had the energy to give to worrying about how to interact with people. How to be the cute and darling little Rocky that I spent my whole life pretending to be.  It was fake and that Rocky had to die. It's the whole adage about dying to the flesh to be born of spirit or lose yourself to find yourself. Little did I know how real that is. Watch the new Lady Gaga video for "Marry the Night" she is expressing this idea in an amazing way.

Part of the trusting in this process is accepting the fact that you don't really know anything. The program of fear is so ingrained that it practically animates your body and vocal chords and mind. So I know better than to ignore specific events as clear messages that perhaps I need to consider a different approach. Right now at this moment I have no approach unless one comes to me spontaneously and without the fog of fear clouding my judgment.

Another factor for me was that I developed no tolerance for any kind of arguing with my partner. It came to a point where I found myself arguing and I immediately had to leave. I thought "this is it, this must be my moment." And I left. Arguing never helps any situation. Walk away...sleep on it...breathe..and then resume resolving a situation. So I left and walked for a short distance and got myself intentionally lost in a shopping center. I sat on a bench and my mind was reeling. It got super real for me in that moment. Yes, I had been contemplating doing something for a while. I just didn't know the how, when, or where. I thought it could be California and prepared myself for the possibility.  So when this happened, I waited on the bench to see what came next. What came next was that my partner found me. Now it seems reasonable that he would but he wasn't even looking for me. He was assuming that I was going to come back to the hotel, but I knew that I was never going back. But then there he was and I remembered that I don't know anything - I watch and wait. It seemed so unlikely that he would find me (and it was because he was going to the store to find an item that I was supposed to bring on the trip!) I know for certain that if he hadn't found me, this blog wouldn't exist and Rocky as people knew him would not exist. And this incident busted this whole journey wide open for me. I had no purpose before, but as soon as I accepted his finding me (and the story of how we originally met is even more interesting). I knew that I was shutting out a major part of this process...including the people that I did genuinely care about..this journey became about them and the larger world.  So as I assumed, Rocky did die, but something way bigger was born. And the idea of selflessness pierced my heart. And recognizing the importance of the people who I have cared about along the way is the gasoline that keeps an otherwise empty tank full.


***The original question was "Why was it important to leave without saying goodbye? Isn't that a cowardly thing to do? (Fear as you say) Or did you REALLY have NO idea that you were leaving when you got out there?" You answer the part about having an "inkling" about leaving, but don't really say why you did it the way you did. Why in the world did you feel the need to disappear completely? I don't understand this in comparison to your relationship with death at all. People who are dying still say goodbye.****

To really understand you this, you have to do the journey yourself. What I did was poison the life I knew with the elixir of honesty. I looked hard and frankly at my life. I found fear as this disgusting slime that was making my whole life in Pittsburgh toxic. I knew I had to get out before something bad happened. I need to make it clear that this is NOT about being brave. Some people have said that oh what a brave thing you are doing. But no...I have no illusions here. What I did was leave a room that was clouded with carbon monoxide. Is it brave to do that? You have 2 choices...go or perish.  Jonathan says that not saying goodbye was a cowardly thing to do. Maybe so. But I was an empty shell...I ripped my whole life apart from the inside. Why say goodbye? If you are trying to disappear you don't broadcast it...you just go. Slip away into the void. When I was found in that shopping center during our Thanksgiving Holiday...guess who was the most thankful dude in the world?

****Also, the top line of your blog description ends with "I wanted to see if it works." If the "it" is dropping your life, how do you know if "it" works? What's the gauge or the desired outcome it is judged to be functional by? Or then what is the IT of the 'if it works?****

I don't know, Jonathan.  Come with me and find out!!!